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Wedding Woes

A canceled wedding is cheaper than divorce.

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé is dead set on two women he was formerly in love with attending our wedding—one of whom he confessed he still had feelings for a month before he proposed. He was infatuated with them for a very long time. They both turned him down for long-term relationships, but not before using him to cheat on their significant others. He was in love with them since high school. He is now 28. He claims that they are really good friends who only want to see him happy, but they never reach out to him to hang out. Our wedding is planned for November 2020, and we got engaged in November 2018. I am against these women attending, but should I give in and let them attend my happy day, since it would make him happy?

—Not-So-Welcome Guests

Re: A canceled wedding is cheaper than divorce.

  • Lol, yeah don't marry this dude.
    eileenrobOurWildKingdom
  • The fact that you don’t trust your FI should be enough not to get married. He proposed a month after saying he still has feelings for another woman, AND YOU ACCEPTED?!  
    OliveOilsMomeileenrobOurWildKingdom
  • I would, perhaps, be a little more sympathetic to him on wanting to invite his long-time friends/exes.  If he hadn't confessed the feelings he still has for one of them pretty recently!!!

    Though, I'm also really disturbed the primary problem the LW sees is "if she should be okay with inviting them".  What?1?!  OMG.  This is the LEAST of her problems and they need to do some serious pre-marital counseling.

    Because, while I think we all might occasionally have those feelings of "what ifs" or a fleeting "lost love" moment, for someone from the past that we liked/loved/crushed on, the key words are "occasional" and "fleeting".  Not a 10-year fixation and infatuation.

    I suspect neither of these women would come if they were issued an invitation.  I think whatever "strong" friendship this guy has with these women is largely in his head.  I bet if we asked them about FI, the response would be something like, "FI?  (thinking for a sec who he is) Oh yeah, I've known him since HS.  We even dated for awhile years ago.  We sometimes keep in touch on FB." 
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    OurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Run.  And go find a person who will love you and NOT pine after long ago GFs.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Side-eyeing all of this.  Ditto everyone else and are the two ex-gf's conjoined twins??  Why does LW's FI have two women he's not over?  Did he go on and on about his first love to the second one?
    OurWildKingdom
  • eileenrob said:
    Side-eyeing all of this.  Ditto everyone else and are the two ex-gf's conjoined twins??  Why does LW's FI have two women he's not over?  Did he go on and on about his first love to the second one?
    Maybe that's the real reason #2 is an ex ;).
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    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMomkerbohleileenrob
  • If I were in LW's shoes, I would feel like he was only with me because he couldn't get either of them. He's hanging on to the idea that they're all such good friends (which I highly doubt they are) because he can't accept them not being in his life anymore. If he insists on their being at the wedding, what else might be insist them being included in later on if he is still that hung up on them? 

    I think LW should cancel the wedding before they do more planning and spend more money, and either go for some counseling before setting a new date or end this relationship entirely.
    image
    OurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Oh hell no! LW needs to cancel the wedding and get away from this guy.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomeileenrob
  • There is one line in this that shifts my opinion a bit on this...  That is this one...  "I am against these women attending, but should I give in and let them attend my happy day, since it would make him happy?

    It's his wedding too, not just HER day...  I've been to weddings where the WP included men and women who had dated the bride/groom at some point in their earlier lives, and yes, good friends but know it'd been a disaster if they'd have gone for a long term relationship no matter how much they like eachother and still are friends.  If she doesn't trust them or him around eachother (has she interacted with them in a social situation - it doesn't sound like it), that's one thing.  I think they need to go out as a group for dinner sometime and LW get the layout of the land and if she's not comfortable with the social interaction have the talk then.  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    His still having feelings for at least one of them is the clincher here.

    You would be making him happy at your own emotional expense. Next thing you know, he'll be telling the next woman he "has feelings for" that he still has them for you.

    Get out while you still can.
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdomeileenrob
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Has she talked to him about this and how this makes her feel?  As in "hey, I want to make you happy, but you recently admitted to feelings for one of the women, and I am not okay with that.  Do you still have feelings for her?  If you do, we need to talk ..."  And then if it would me, I'd probably dump him.
    imageimage
    OurWildKingdomMesmrEweshort+sassy
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