Avoiding a memorial mess

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My dad recently died, and my siblings and I are in the middle of planning his memorial. My dad’s sister and her husband are devout Christians and would each like to speak at the memorial. They have hinted that part of their speeches will include some religious content. My dad was not religious—he was even mildly anti–organized religion, and their religious zeal was an ongoing source of conflict—but had his own brand of private spirituality. My siblings and I are similarly religiously unaffiliated. How can we respectfully ask (or tell) them to keep their beliefs about the afterlife and any other Christian content to themselves?

—Respecting Dad’s Wishes

charlotte989875

Rather than having them as dedicated speakers at the memorial if you’re having a dinner/meal together offer a space for people to write their own memories or tributes of Dad? That way they won’t be preaching to a choir whose not interested in the song but they still to offer their memories/feeling for him. 

mrsconn23

If we could go back in time, MIL's sister would have never spoken at her memorial.  She went off the rails about their dead brother, golden rooms in heaven, telling us to not 'give up' on the holidays because MIL was gone, and led everyone in unending rounds of 'Praise God' to the tune of Amazing Grace.   MIL was pretty much estranged from her sister until about a year before her death and saw her sister for the first time in a number of years about 6 months before she died.   So it was odd and inappropriate to DH, FIL, BIL, and SIL. 

So I'm on team, "shut that shit down".  Maybe it's harsh, but I also know what a taint DH's aunt's BS  and going on and on put on MIL's memorial. 

banana468

This needs to be treated like a wedding with a DJ.    Only certain people get to be allowed to speak.   Be clear, "Auntie, we decided that at the memorial only my siblings and I will be speaking on behalf of our father.   If you would still like to say something in his honor we would love it if you'd give a toast at the luncheon. 

And depending on the relationship you have I'd be frank: "Please know that we need to honor Dad and his beliefs and his desire is to keep this service secular.   We know that you'll honor his dying wishes and keep any discussions in keeping with this." 

short+sassy

Agree with the PPs and I especially like @banana468's phrasing.

But this is something I've always been a little curious about.  Is it typical for adult children to speak at a funeral?  Admittedly, I have only been to one funeral and unfortunately it was my father's.  My sister and I were both adults, albeit young (19 and 22), and neither of us could imagine getting up to say something at the funeral and we made those wishes known ahead of time.  Our mother didn't either.  But over the years I've gotten the impression that children speaking is more the norm.  I have zero qualms or guilt that I didn't speak.  I've just wondered if that was more a "me and my sister" thing.  "Our youth" thing.  Or if I'm mistaken and adult children don't usually speak at funerals.

ILoveBeachMusic

@short+sassy, I've attended funerals where the adult children speak but also vice versa. I think it just depends on the family. I didn't speak at either of my parents funerals but my son spoke at my Dad's - actually he read a poem he had written in honor of my Dad.

banana468

short+sassy said:

Agree with the PPs and I especially like @banana468's phrasing.

But this is something I've always been a little curious about.  Is it typical for adult children to speak at a funeral?  Admittedly, I have only been to one funeral and unfortunately it was my father's.  My sister and I were both adults, albeit young (19 and 22), and neither of us could imagine getting up to say something at the funeral and we made those wishes known ahead of time.  Our mother didn't either.  But over the years I've gotten the impression that children speaking is more the norm.  I have zero qualms or guilt that I didn't speak.  I've just wondered if that was more a "me and my sister" thing.  "Our youth" thing.  Or if I'm mistaken and adult children don't usually speak at funerals.

@short+sassy first, thanks for the compliment!

Second, I've attended a decent number of funerals.   Nearly all of them were Catholic or Christian and for at least the Catholic ones, many involved a eulogy given by someone close to the departed in addition to a homily given by the clergy member.   When DH's grandmother passed she left behind two daughters: MIL and her sister.   Her sister spoke and then BIL spoke on behalf of MIL who would not have been composed to speak publicly.   When a dear family friend passed, his son in-law gave the eulogy. 

I've seen the round-table of speaking only a couple times and while heartfelt, it also felt less organized IMO.  

short+sassy

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

Agree with the PPs and I especially like @banana468's phrasing.

But this is something I've always been a little curious about.  Is it typical for adult children to speak at a funeral?  Admittedly, I have only been to one funeral and unfortunately it was my father's.  My sister and I were both adults, albeit young (19 and 22), and neither of us could imagine getting up to say something at the funeral and we made those wishes known ahead of time.  Our mother didn't either.  But over the years I've gotten the impression that children speaking is more the norm.  I have zero qualms or guilt that I didn't speak.  I've just wondered if that was more a "me and my sister" thing.  "Our youth" thing.  Or if I'm mistaken and adult children don't usually speak at funerals.

@short+sassy first, thanks for the compliment!

Second, I've attended a decent number of funerals.   Nearly all of them were Catholic or Christian and for at least the Catholic ones, many involved a eulogy given by someone close to the departed in addition to a homily given by the clergy member.   When DH's grandmother passed she left behind two daughters: MIL and her sister.   Her sister spoke and then BIL spoke on behalf of MIL who would not have been composed to speak publicly.   When a dear family friend passed, his son in-law gave the eulogy. 

I've seen the round-table of speaking only a couple times and while heartfelt, it also felt less organized IMO.  

That's actually how my father's funeral was, to an extent.  There were a few people who were planned to speak, with our pastor being the last "planned" person.  And then he opened it up to anyone who wanted to come up and say a few words.  I found it to be a neat experience.  But, unlike the LW, we didn't have any "problem children" we were worried about, lol.

Some of his coworkers stepped up to talk about him.  My dad had worked at the same place for over 10 years.  It was a nuclear power plant, so not somewhere I could pop in and visit!  As such, I didn't know any of them.  It was interesting for me to get a glimpse of my dad through their eyes. 

Come to think of it, his sister chose not to speak also.

MesmrEwe

There is a lot to be said about that last little "inviting people to come up and speak" without having allowed them extra time to prepare remarks or know that option will exist.  In my experience, some of those have been by far the best moments as it is often introduced with a spirit of both brevity and levity to tell stories appropriate about the deceased.  And most of the time, we've all been belly laughing while crying at the same time with some of the stories that come out at those times!  (Like the time we were out to a restaurant after a meet and the little 123lb. "mighty mouse" OUT-ATE and drank by a long shot the 450lb. individual that hadn't eaten all day and was hungry!  He is who had died after a long battle with a very rare form of brain tumor)..  

I think that'd be the way to go rather than allowing them the platform for the long religious speech.  

VarunaTT

I don't tend to care for the "open invite" b/c I feel like that tends to get out of control rather quickly sometimes.  When that goes off the rails, it's bad.  I think it's fine to say, "We've already decided on our speakers, thank you for volunteering" and give her another job like the sign in book or usher or something.  Funerals are for the living and if it's going to make anyone in the immediate living family uncomfortable, I'm not here for that.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

I don't tend to care for the "open invite" b/c I feel like that tends to get out of control rather quickly sometimes.  When that goes off the rails, it's bad.  I think it's fine to say, "We've already decided on our speakers, thank you for volunteering" and give her another job like the sign in book or usher or something.  Funerals are for the living and if it's going to make anyone in the immediate living family uncomfortable, I'm not here for that.

Yep. It reminds me of that article that talks about the concentric circles of people during an illness (the person who's ill on the inside, their partner and/or children next, then parents/sisters/brothers in the next, and so on).  It applies here.  The wishes of the partner/children and knowing the wishes of the dead is most important here. 

If the LW feels these people will cast any sort of shadow on their wishes for the service and that their sentiments would not be desired by their dad (no matter the intention), they are well within their right to say 'thanks, but no'.  I don't care if it is their aunt and uncle.  I also know the 'crisis' of feeling torn in these situations, because you are making so many decisions in a short time and you're trying to hold your shit together through grief.  So sometimes you say yes to not rock the boat, but in hindsight you wish you had not agreed.  

kerbohl

I've got a huge family on both sides, and so have unfortunately been to a fair share of funerals.  Mostly I've seen the kids do the speaking, and I suspect it will be that way when my parents pass.  

levioosa

I’m not a big fan of the whole “open mic” plan. I’ve been to so many funerals where it either dragged on for literal hours, or it became incredibly awkward. At my uncle’s funeral, my dad gave a lovely eulogy, then this other guy stood up right after to say that he and my uncle were actually the “real” best friends, not my dad. I felt so bad for my dad and the guy came off looking like a huge tool. The other time I can think of that went super awry was an old family friend’s memorial. He had divorced his wife and remarried (like 50 years earlier) to a woman who was closer in age to his daughters than to his ex-wife. They were married forever, but at the funeral the daughters stood up and talked about how they were the real family, the “new” wife didn’t matter, and how he always loved them more. It was so so awkward. I felt so bad for his grieving widow who just sat there through the whole debacle. It’s been 50 years. Let it go. 

mrsconn23

levioosa said:

I’m not a big fan of the whole “open mic” plan. I’ve been to so many funerals where it either dragged on for literal hours, or it became incredibly awkward. At my uncle’s funeral, my dad gave a lovely eulogy, then this other guy stood up right after to say that he and my uncle were actually the “real” best friends, not my dad. I felt so bad for my dad and the guy came off looking like a huge tool. The other time I can think of that went super awry was an old family friend’s memorial. He had divorced his wife and remarried (like 50 years earlier) to a woman who was closer in age to his daughters than to his ex-wife. They were married forever, but at the funeral the daughters stood up and talked about how they were the real family, the “new” wife didn’t matter, and how he always loved them more. It was so so awkward. I felt so bad for his grieving widow who just sat there through the whole debacle. It’s been 50 years. Let it go. 

Ugh.  That's awful.

The worst funeral I ever went to was the FIL of DH's uncle.  It was a 15 min funeral.  The funeral director did the service.  One poem was read.  And literally, the only things that were expressed about his life is that was a Vietnam veteran and liked to gamble.  Not anything about the father and grandfather he was or anything else he enjoyed doing.  It was jarring when the service was over, because I really thought they were going to open it up for people to eulogize him and instead it was, "All right, get out so the family can have a few more moments with him."