BESTMAN OR NOT??

knottie2aa758ec26ebb092

Sooooooo, my Fiance and his buddy were childhood friends and after they graduated highschool they have drifted apart, but still talk every few months (maybe see each other 2 times per year). When they were in 6th grade or so they made this "pact" to be each others bestmen when they get married. Well when my fiance announced our engagement the first thing his buddy brought up was "man I can't wait to be your bestman". My fiance has a different bestman already, and doesn't even want this guy as a groomsman. How do we tell this guy he is not in the bridal party?????

flantastic

knottie2aa758ec26ebb092 said:

Sooooooo, my Fiance and his buddy were childhood friends and after they graduated highschool they have drifted apart, but still talk every few months (maybe see each other 2 times per year). When they were in 6th grade or so they made this "pact" to be each others bestmen when they get married. Well when my fiance announced our engagement the first thing his buddy brought up was "man I can't wait to be your bestman". My fiance has a different bestman already, and doesn't even want this guy as a groomsman. How do we tell this guy he is not in the bridal party?????

Don't, unless he presses the issue. He'll figure it out.

If he does press the issue -
1) You are obviously not involved, this is between your FI and him, and
2) "Dude, I know that we made a pact when we were kids, but we're just not as close as we used to be. Thanks for understanding. I do appreciate your friendship."

That said, just because this issue comes up a lot - your FI is absolutely the one who should say who is in his bridal party, and they should be people with whom he's close. However, sometimes close people get left out because people choose an arbitrary number or think the sides have to be even, which they don't. If your FI could have everyone he wanted, and isn't artificially limiting himself to a "top 5" or whatever, would this guy then make the cut? Or are they just not that close? I assume the latter from your post, but just want to check.

knottie2aa758ec26ebb092

My FI keeps bringing up the issue to me every time he talks about wedding things like bachelor party or buying tuxes, but his buddy hasn't said much about the issue since the engagement announcement from what I know. I'm tying to stay out of the middle of it, but I'm also trying to give him advice at the same time.

And that's the other issue, we talked about having 5groomsmen and only 4bridesmaids if he wanted to go that route, but it doesn't seem that way. The way my FI talks about the issue is not having this guy in the bridal party at all.

This guy definitely would be in his top 5 friends though. So, I just don't know what to tell my FI anymore.

charlotte989875

knottie2aa758ec26ebb092 said:

My FI keeps bringing up the issue to me every time he talks about wedding things like bachelor party or buying tuxes, but his buddy hasn't said much about the issue since the engagement announcement from what I know. I'm tying to stay out of the middle of it, but I'm also trying to give him advice at the same time.

And that's the other issue, we talked about having 5groomsmen and only 4bridesmaids if he wanted to go that route, but it doesn't seem that way. The way my FI talks about the issue is not having this guy in the bridal party at all.

This guy definitely would be in his top 5 friends though. So, I just don't know what to tell my FI anymore.

Just keep telling him to ask those who he really wants to be his GM. If he doesn’t want this guy to stand up with him that’s his choice. If he does that’s also his choice. If the guy brings it up your FI can say “we haven’t picked our party yet” or if he’s sure “sorry man, I picked the people I’m supper close to these days. I really want you to attend the wedding & I can’t wait to celebrate with you”. 

As for the 5 GM/4 BM— he gets to pick who he wants, you get to pick who you want. The sides don’t have to be even and if he wants 5 friends and you want 4 that’s totally fine!

short+sassy

I'd tell him to just stop worrying about it.  There's no reason to.

He shouldn't bring it up with his friend because it's rude to tell someone they weren't chosen for something, when it's pretty much out of the blue.  Sure, the guy made an offhand comment awhile ago.  But it was right after you all got engaged and I'm assuming the WP hadn't been chosen yet.

However, if the guy asks again, your FI needs to nip this in the bud if he has no intention of asking him to be the BM or even in the WP.  PPs gave good examples of how to say that.

Is it awkward and will it make your FI feel a little bad to disappoint a friend?  Sure.  But it's a worse decision to choose someone to be in his WP, out of guilt.

And a 6th grade pact?  Seriously?  I hope the friend is not bizarre enough to bring anything like that up.  I think we'd all be in a lot of trouble, if we were expected to honor whatever promises we made as young children, lol.

(Sorry my former 3rd grade class.  Alas, I have not been able to achieve world peace, like I promised.)