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Lack of drama =/= MFEO

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for just over three years, much of that long-distance. Last year he moved to my city to be with me; I was studying and working full time, and I realized recently we’d barely had sex since we started living together. In fact, the infrequency of our sex life has bothered me throughout our relationship, and I’ve mentioned my dissatisfaction more than once, with no success. I started seeing a psychologist for unrelated reasons and casually mentioned we only had sex about every two months, and she looked surprised and said I was too young to not be having sex (I’m 28). This encouraged me to tell my boyfriend that if things don’t change, we should break up and find more compatible partners. My boyfriend agreed. He also said we had never quite clicked, which I agreed with. Neither of us had a strong position, which left me deducing that we’d break up because indifference seemed as good as him saying he doesn’t want to be with me. Since then, we’ve been arguing less.

Now our lease runs out at the end of July, and I am conflicted. As long as we live together, it feels like we are a couple. I have made moves to find a new place, but I wonder if I should just stay put, seeing as we are getting along and it’s easy. All the prompting is coming from me—he is happy for me to call all the shots. How do I get past this and do what I need to do to move forward? He thinks he is making things easy for me by coasting along, but it’s making it harder! I love this man, and I firmly believe we will be friends someday. I want to move out and move on without feeling guilty, but this whole thing feels so bizarre because the lack of drama in our breakup is making me question whether we should actually break up!

—Clean Break

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Re: Lack of drama =/= MFEO

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    You're getting along because you're friends or at least you're acting like it.   But as a grown woman you also need to leave behind what is easy and know that this may be hard emotionally and physically but if you want a romantic relationship, staying with the ex isn't the way to go about doing it. 
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    What is MFEO? 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    kvruns said:
    What is MFEO? 
    Made for each other
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I think there were some mistakes along the way by LW, the BF and the therapist. 

    For LW and BF - there was a confusing breakup/non-breakup that occurred.  As LW described it, there did not seem to be a definitive "We are breaking up" statement said by either. 

    For therapist, the whole "too young" comment on not having sex.  As PP said, its not up to the therapist to decide what is an appropriate amount of sex.  Both parties in a couple need to decide that.  If they were both satisfied at every 2 months amount, then that is an appropriate amount of sex for them! 

    For LW alone, it is not spelled out, but did she ever try to initiate sex?  If she was unhappy with the frequency, she should have attempted to initiate more often.  LW is studying and working full time, BF may have just thought she was too tired for sex and didn't initiate. 

    Overall, I think the communication of LW and BF was not that great and that contributed to their breaking up.  But since they are broken up, it would be best for her to move out. 

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2019
    short+sassy said:
    kvruns said:
    What is MFEO? 
    Made For Each Other

    It seems so weird to me that they would be together this long LD and then he moves to her city, if they just feel "meh" about each other.  But, here we are.

    LW, you are broken up.  You definitely don't want to be with this guy if his lack of sex drive is a dealbreaker, which is what you said.  With that said, if you all don't mind the limbo for a couple months and it's not too emotionally difficult for anyone, I can understand that.  Just don't put your blinders on and forget that's what this is.

    And a little side-eye to your therapist.  Pretty judgy there.  Just because 20-somethings are a demographic that tends to have sex more often...and I'm guessing on that stat...doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with them or a relationship, if they don't.  It's the different sex drives the LW and her b/f have that's the issue and it would be the same problem, no matter what their ages were.
    That jumped out to me too. There's a whole host of reasons why some people/couples aren't as sexually active as others. It wasn't right of the therapist to react that way. LW revealing that she and the boyfriend only had sex every 2 months should have opened up a discussion as to the reasons for that and whether LW is okay with it (which clearly she is not). It isn't up to the therapist to decide how often LW (or anyone) should be having sex.

    That being said, "getting along and it's easy" doesn't seem like the best reason to stay living with someone with whom you've never really "clicked" and when a major component of the relationship is that disappointing to you. LW should find her own place and accept that this romance didn't work out as expected. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2019
    downtondiva said:
    short+sassy said:
    kvruns said:
    What is MFEO? 
    Made For Each Other

    It seems so weird to me that they would be together this long LD and then he moves to her city, if they just feel "meh" about each other.  But, here we are.

    LW, you are broken up.  You definitely don't want to be with this guy if his lack of sex drive is a dealbreaker, which is what you said.  With that said, if you all don't mind the limbo for a couple months and it's not too emotionally difficult for anyone, I can understand that.  Just don't put your blinders on and forget that's what this is.

    And a little side-eye to your therapist.  Pretty judgy there.  Just because 20-somethings are a demographic that tends to have sex more often...and I'm guessing on that stat...doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with them or a relationship, if they don't.  It's the different sex drives the LW and her b/f have that's the issue and it would be the same problem, no matter what their ages were.
    That jumped out to me too. There's a whole host of reasons why some people/couples aren't as sexually active as others. It wasn't right of the therapist to react that way. LW revealing that she and the boyfriend only had sex every 2 months should have opened up a discussion as to the reasons for that and whether LW is okay with it (which clearly she is not). It isn't up to the therapist to decide how often LW (or anyone) should be having sex.

    That being said, "getting along and it's easy" doesn't seem like the best reason to stay living with someone with whom you've never really "clicked" and when a major component of the relationship is that disappointing to you. LW should find her own place and accept that this romance didn't work out as expected. 
    I actually said that more from a practical side, not that it's necessarily a good idea.  Breaking a lease can be very expensive.  I'd guess many people either couldn't afford it or it would at least be a major financial hardship.

    I've seen the statistic a lot, sometimes with slightly different percentages, but something like 70% of Americans couldn't come up with $1,000 in an emergency.  I'd guess most leases cost more than that to break.  Especially if both people moved out right away and found other places.  They'd still be responsible for the rent, now at two places, until either their unit was rented out again or a reasonable enough time had passed where a landlord should have mitigated their damages with a new tenant.  Plus many leases have a "break lease" fee on top of that.

    As such, I could see putting up with some awkwardness to save a lot of money.

    As an aside, I had this happen with a set of tenants.  They broke up.  I'm actually not even sure when it happened!  But they gave me their notice a little over 30 days before their 1-year lease ended that they would not be reneweing because they had ended their relationship.  They were both still living there for at least that last month. 

    Edited to add:  Oh! And normally I write the check out for the security deposit return, with an "and" not an "or", to everyone who is on the lease.  Both parties verbally told me I should write the check out to just the guy.  But I made sure to get that in writing and signed by the other party ;).
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mrsconn23 said:
    kvruns said:
    What is MFEO? 
    Made for each other
    LOL  My brain immediately went to Sleepless In Seattle.  
    "M.F.E.O.?"  "Made for each other".  "It's cute.  It's like a little clue."

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