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Wedding Woes

Trying to find my place in this world.

Dear Prudence,

I am a 30-year-old trans man who came out roughly a year and a half ago. I was raised within a strongly female family, went to an all-girls’ high school, and have generally been mostly in communities with women. I do not feel comfortable at all in all-male spaces, including bathrooms, and while I have a few friends who are also trans men, I’ve not really enjoyed being part of groups that are all trans men and transmasculine people. I just prefer mixed-gender spaces.

However, I also really miss women’s spaces. I think partly this is down to the “lad culture” in my country making male spaces (even trans ones) unpleasant, but also I miss feeling like I was part of a community that I just don’t feel with other men yet, not helped by still having fairly feminine interests. I feel like the women’s spaces I am mourning have been taken from me for something I didn’t choose, which I know is an unfair way to think about it, but I don’t know how to move past that. I am on the waiting list to see gender services in my country, but I probably have at least another year to wait, and therapy in our health service is very difficult to access with long waiting times. I do not have any income to see a private therapist.

—Missing Familiar Spaces

Re: Trying to find my place in this world.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I would highly recommend seeking groups on social media for those who are in a similar situation.   At least start by conversing with them and perhaps that can help you at the beginning.

    From there I'd also consider looking into local LGBTQ groups in your area.   
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • Many women’s spaces welcome anyone except cis-men. Certainly not all, and they don’t have to, but at least some spaces may be open to you if you ask. 
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This is not a great area for me, b/c I hold some unpopular opinions about this issue, TBH, and I struggle with an answer to this problem. I do think it is a problem for many transmen who struggle to give up queer women and femme spaces and don't want to be a part of toxic masculinity which cis-gay men tend to suffer from just as bad as cis-het men.

    But, instead of concentrating specifically on missing "women only" spaces, why not find groups related to the "feminine interests" (I'm imaging something like our crotchet and knitting groups around here) LW is missing.  Also, the local LGBTQ groups should have something that would fill the need for a mixed gender space.
    STARMOON44MissKittyDangerOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • I think LW is missing it partly from being around it so much, but as @VarunaTT ; mentioned, something with mixed gender space would probably be ideal.
    OurWildKingdom
  • It sounds to me like LW could use a good support group, and perhaps a therapist who has strong experience with LGBTQ issues. I'm no expert, but I would expect that for a lot of trans people, coming out and transitioning does not solve everything and that they still have a lot of questions and concerns, including ones similar to LW's. Hopefully LW will find someone who can help.
    image
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think LW might need to create the community he’s seeking, if he can’t find it ready-made. Starting my feminist Meetup has connected me with cool folks I wouldn’t have met otherwise. It expanded my circle beyond work and 12-Step meetings.
    short+sassyVarunaTTCharmedPamcharlotte989875
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I think LW might need to create the community he’s seeking, if he can’t find it ready-made. Starting my feminist Meetup has connected me with cool folks I wouldn’t have met otherwise. It expanded my circle beyond work and 12-Step meetings.
    I love meet up

    OurWildKingdom
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