Moms and Maids

More Boundaries

Hi all. I am back unfortunately. Thankfully my fiance is still on the same page with setting boundaries but at one point even he had to leave the room because the discussion was driving him nuts.

My FMIL and FFIL are paying for the rehearsal dinner and now want to host a breakfast the next day. That's fine, and I am appreciative of it. However, the rehearsal dinner is getting out of hand and they basically want to invite all of their friends, our friends from our schools, grad programs, etc so all in all envision the entire wedding minus 15-20 people. I get they are paying but I truly wanted to rehearsal dinner to be not over the top and a little more intimate. We were never invited to our friends rehearsal dinners and we loved it because we got to eat where we wanted with our friends. Now they are saying that anyone invited to the wedding should be invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch. In addition, they are adamant about the fact that certain traditions we wanted to incorporate into our wedding must be done in a church. Mind you I have two siblings who did different weddings. They incorporated different elements of their faiths into gorgeous and touching ceremonies and I wanted to do the same. 

My fiance is going a little crazy with them especially when this stuff gets brought up. There are just too many rules we have to follow on their end. I was raised Jewish and Catholic and we are incorporating elements of both while he was raised Greek. Therefore, we thought we would play the Horah at the reception and a Greek song but they insist on many Greek songs. What is frustrating me the most is that this is turning into their wedding and not ours or my Mom's. This wedding is very special for my Mom and I as I am the only girl out of a large family and in talking to her this weekend we felt that a lot of what we want is being taken away. I really welcome any kind and good advice for both my fiance and I. 

Re: More Boundaries

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi all. I am back unfortunately. Thankfully my fiance is still on the same page with setting boundaries but at one point even he had to leave the room because the discussion was driving him nuts.

    My FMIL and FFIL are paying for the rehearsal dinner and now want to host a breakfast the next day. That's fine, and I am appreciative of it. However, the rehearsal dinner is getting out of hand and they basically want to invite all of their friends, our friends from our schools, grad programs, etc so all in all envision the entire wedding minus 15-20 people. I get they are paying but I truly wanted to rehearsal dinner to be not over the top and a little more intimate. We were never invited to our friends rehearsal dinners and we loved it because we got to eat where we wanted with our friends. Now they are saying that anyone invited to the wedding should be invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch. In addition, they are adamant about the fact that certain traditions we wanted to incorporate into our wedding must be done in a church. Mind you I have two siblings who did different weddings. They incorporated different elements of their faiths into gorgeous and touching ceremonies and I wanted to do the same. 

    My fiance is going a little crazy with them especially when this stuff gets brought up. There are just too many rules we have to follow on their end. I was raised Jewish and Catholic and we are incorporating elements of both while he was raised Greek. Therefore, we thought we would play the Horah at the reception and a Greek song but they insist on many Greek songs. What is frustrating me the most is that this is turning into their wedding and not ours or my Mom's. This wedding is very special for my Mom and I as I am the only girl out of a large family and in talking to her this weekend we felt that a lot of what we want is being taken away. I really welcome any kind and good advice for both my fiance and I. 
    So, there's honestly not much you can do in the situations where they're paying.

    I personally didn't want a huge rehearsal dinner - we both have large numbers of aunts and uncles, and I preferred to have just the people who actually had a reason to be at the rehearsal (i.e., bridal party, grandparents, godparents, and immediately family). We conveyed that to MIL, who was hosting, and she "agreed" - then invited all the family from her side anyway. At that point, DH told her that she should invite my aunts and uncles too so that wasn't crazy awkward. You just have to accept the rehearsal dinner is their show, or host it yourselves. Same for the brunch. They're welcome to say "everyone" needs to be invited, if they are the ones inviting.

    If they're not paying for the ceremony, reception, DJ, etc., though, then all you have to say is "Your opinion's been noted, thanks" and do whatever you wanted to do anyway. Make sure the vendors that you or your parents are paying know that they can only take direction from you or your parents, and no one else.
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi all. I am back unfortunately. Thankfully my fiance is still on the same page with setting boundaries but at one point even he had to leave the room because the discussion was driving him nuts.

    My FMIL and FFIL are paying for the rehearsal dinner and now want to host a breakfast the next day. That's fine, and I am appreciative of it. However, the rehearsal dinner is getting out of hand and they basically want to invite all of their friends, our friends from our schools, grad programs, etc so all in all envision the entire wedding minus 15-20 people. I get they are paying but I truly wanted to rehearsal dinner to be not over the top and a little more intimate. We were never invited to our friends rehearsal dinners and we loved it because we got to eat where we wanted with our friends. Now they are saying that anyone invited to the wedding should be invited to the rehearsal dinner and brunch. In addition, they are adamant about the fact that certain traditions we wanted to incorporate into our wedding must be done in a church. Mind you I have two siblings who did different weddings. They incorporated different elements of their faiths into gorgeous and touching ceremonies and I wanted to do the same. 

    My fiance is going a little crazy with them especially when this stuff gets brought up. There are just too many rules we have to follow on their end. I was raised Jewish and Catholic and we are incorporating elements of both while he was raised Greek. Therefore, we thought we would play the Horah at the reception and a Greek song but they insist on many Greek songs. What is frustrating me the most is that this is turning into their wedding and not ours or my Mom's. This wedding is very special for my Mom and I as I am the only girl out of a large family and in talking to her this weekend we felt that a lot of what we want is being taken away. I really welcome any kind and good advice for both my fiance and I. 
    My advice is to decline their offer to host the RD. They're definitely in the wrong in regards to inviting so many people. But, if they're hosting, they have control. 

    I assume they're not paying for the wedding, so they don't get a say in that. Your FI has to tell his parents that they don't get to insist on a church, or so many songs. I'd stop discussing anything wedding related with them. 

    MobKaz
  • Have you watched the "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" series of movies?  I think they may be beneficial here in regard to the RD.  Their idea of the RD is everyone's invited if they're able to attend, yours is only the WP, they're paying.  Either your FI needs to talk to them or you need to relax and let go of the detail.  Same goes for the brunch the next day.  Just FYI - make sure the brunch doesn't turn into a public gift opening party (DO NOT mention this to anyone to risk planting a seed) - js.  

    The whole interfaith aspects, the IL's win this one in that "Those should be done in a church/Synagogue".  If you're having a non-Catholic/Greek Orthodox/Jewish ceremony in the appropriate house of worship, don't try to play dress-up with whomever is performing the ceremony if they aren't a Priest/Rabbi.  
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  • I have seen the movie many times. Thankfully there is more tolerance than in that movie. That said, a rehearsal dinner and a cook out to have the parents meet are two separate things. 

    I don't see there being a "winning" with regards to the ceremony. My Dad was Jewish and my mother Catholic and the incorporated elements of both and were married by a priest and rabbi side by side in my grandparents backyard. My father has since passed and this is why it is important for me to incorporate elements of all of it. We are not trying to "dress up" anything. We are both honoring the upbringings that we find important and that we want to incorporate to honor our parents and what is important to us as a couple. 
    redwoodoriginal
  • I appreciate the transparency. My best friend gave me the same advice: keep the wedding details a "surprise." They are not paying anything for the wedding and I think that's fair. 
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    Have you watched the "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" series of movies?  I think they may be beneficial here in regard to the RD.  Their idea of the RD is everyone's invited if they're able to attend, yours is only the WP, they're paying.  Either your FI needs to talk to them or you need to relax and let go of the detail.  Same goes for the brunch the next day.  Just FYI - make sure the brunch doesn't turn into a public gift opening party (DO NOT mention this to anyone to risk planting a seed) - js.  

    The whole interfaith aspects, the IL's win this one in that "Those should be done in a church/Synagogue".  If you're having a non-Catholic/Greek Orthodox/Jewish ceremony in the appropriate house of worship, don't try to play dress-up with whomever is performing the ceremony if they aren't a Priest/Rabbi.  
    Isn't the Horah traditionally done at the reception? IDK for sure because I've never been at a Jewish wedding. There may be a similar Greek tradition. However, I've been to a lot of Catholic weddings and there are no reception traditions that are only for Catholics. You can't have a Catholic wedding outside of a church (without a special dispensation) so the ILs are correct about that.
    MobKazcharlotte989875
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have seen the movie many times. Thankfully there is more tolerance than in that movie. That said, a rehearsal dinner and a cook out to have the parents meet are two separate things. 

    I don't see there being a "winning" with regards to the ceremony. My Dad was Jewish and my mother Catholic and the incorporated elements of both and were married by a priest and rabbi side by side in my grandparents backyard. My father has since passed and this is why it is important for me to incorporate elements of all of it. We are not trying to "dress up" anything. We are both honoring the upbringings that we find important and that we want to incorporate to honor our parents and what is important to us as a couple. 
    Yeah, on the whole, practicing Catholics (and the Church itself) aren't a fan of "honoring the tradition." They figure your either have a Catholic wedding (which is what actually honors the tradition of the Church and the reasons behind it) or you don't and you just own that choice. I'm not sure how your parents pulled off what they did. Hopefully they got a solid dispensation because both their faiths were very important to them. If the faith itself (not merely nostalgia) isn't similarly important to you, I wouldn't do anything that has religious meaning.

    The Horah is a reception dance, yeah. No problem there.

    This is merely advice for the integrity and optics of what you're doing. As far as the ILs go, my original advice still stands - you make your choices and you stick to them. You can say what your decision was if asked about something, but both you and your FI should be ready with "That decision is final, but thanks for your input."
    banana468
  • I have seen the movie many times. Thankfully there is more tolerance than in that movie. That said, a rehearsal dinner and a cook out to have the parents meet are two separate things. 

    I don't see there being a "winning" with regards to the ceremony. My Dad was Jewish and my mother Catholic and the incorporated elements of both and were married by a priest and rabbi side by side in my grandparents backyard. My father has since passed and this is why it is important for me to incorporate elements of all of it. We are not trying to "dress up" anything. We are both honoring the upbringings that we find important and that we want to incorporate to honor our parents and what is important to us as a couple. 
    In all of that please make sure that what you do is actually considered in line with the teachings of that faith.

    I am not well versed in the teachings of Jewish faith but as a practicing Catholic I know that a marriage needs to be in a church in order to be recognized by the faith or there needs to be Dispensation by the Bishop.  I don't believe a practicing priest can do this and be in keeping with the faith and one who DID do this could face being reported to the Bishop.

    So just keep in mind that incorporating traditions vs. actual aspects or portions of the religious ceremony really should be cleared with a clergy member in that faith.    

    If you're opting for a secular ceremony but wanting to incorporate all of your faiths into this then I'd do plenty of research in this OR be quite clear about what you intend to do.   You can always have things like a Bible reading but if your FI is Greek Orthodox his parents may be attempting to say that faith isn't something to pick from a buffet.  And in that vein please do keep that in mind if you aren't marrying in their or your FI's faith.
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • I have seen the movie many times. Thankfully there is more tolerance than in that movie. That said, a rehearsal dinner and a cook out to have the parents meet are two separate things. 

    I don't see there being a "winning" with regards to the ceremony. My Dad was Jewish and my mother Catholic and the incorporated elements of both and were married by a priest and rabbi side by side in my grandparents backyard. My father has since passed and this is why it is important for me to incorporate elements of all of it. We are not trying to "dress up" anything. We are both honoring the upbringings that we find important and that we want to incorporate to honor our parents and what is important to us as a couple. 
    THIS aspect is a/the key element that was missing in the OP - "by a Priest and Rabbi." as they concelebrated the sacrament.  The priest would have likely been the one to receive the vows.  Rather than discussions with your in-laws in this, you really need to be setting up meetings with the respective Priests and Rabbi as that is where the "This is how it's going to be" is determined, not necessarily by you, FI, nor the in-laws.  
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    charlotte989875
  • Thanks for your replies. I think it might be getting overboard with the traditions. We are talking a ceremony with a Catholic reading, done by a friend from our Church, smashing the glass (a Jewish ceremonial tradition), and Greek passage reading. That's it. The ceremony will be relatively short. There's no picking from a buffet but we also live in a time where incorporating different religions based on the upbringings of the bride and groom is no longer frowned upon. Regarding anything wedding, I appreciate the poster who gave the advice of the firm but civil "We have made a decision and that's what we are doing" especially if they are not contributing to it monetarily. I've decided they simply get full reign on the RD and that's fine. 
  • Thanks for your replies. I think it might be getting overboard with the traditions. We are talking a ceremony with a Catholic reading, done by a friend from our Church, smashing the glass (a Jewish ceremonial tradition), and Greek passage reading. That's it. The ceremony will be relatively short. There's no picking from a buffet but we also live in a time where incorporating different religions based on the upbringings of the bride and groom is no longer frowned upon. Regarding anything wedding, I appreciate the poster who gave the advice of the firm but civil "We have made a decision and that's what we are doing" especially if they are not contributing to it monetarily. I've decided they simply get full reign on the RD and that's fine. 
    I think you are making a good choice personally.   Sometimes it's just easy to let it roll of your back and know it's something that they get control over so let that be their THING.

    To the bolded though, I hope there's an understanding here.   The important thing to understand is how to incorporate your faith while also being secular and still respectful to those who practice the faith.   Based on what you said you're doing I think it's fine.
    charlotte989875
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree, that this particular instance your plans are fine.

    No one's saying they frown upon interfaith marriages, or upon figuring out how to include two faiths in your ceremony when you are of two faiths. You just have to be careful including things when you don't agree with or practice the actual meaning behind them.
  • Thanks for your replies. I think it might be getting overboard with the traditions. We are talking a ceremony with a Catholic reading, done by a friend from our Church, smashing the glass (a Jewish ceremonial tradition), and Greek passage reading. That's it. The ceremony will be relatively short. There's no picking from a buffet but we also live in a time where incorporating different religions based on the upbringings of the bride and groom is no longer frowned upon. Regarding anything wedding, I appreciate the poster who gave the advice of the firm but civil "We have made a decision and that's what we are doing" especially if they are not contributing to it monetarily. I've decided they simply get full reign on the RD and that's fine. 
    That is what secular society and the magazines would have you believe, not Greek Orthodox nor Catholic weddings.  Again, you MUST talk with the Priests and Rabbi concelebrating for the logistics!
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