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Wedding Woes

I want to retract my blessing.

Dear Prudence,

My 19-year-old daughter died in a car accident two years ago. It splintered the few, frayed bonds holding my marriage together. My ex and I still have an 11-year-old son with special needs. I depend on my in-laws for assistance and see them often. My ex’s niece is pregnant with a girl, and her due date falls on my daughter’s birthday. They want to “honor” my daughter by bestowing her name on the baby. My ex is happy about this and cried when they asked him. When they asked me if it would be OK, I froze. My daughter was close to her cousin, and I know this comes from a place of love and loss, but the idea of hearing my daughter’s name over and over kills me. I don’t know what to do now that I have given my blessing. Everyone in the family is happy about this and sees the baby as an extension of the life my daughter never got to have. I am just reminded she isn’t here anymore. I feel sick. What do I do? What do I say?

—Namesake

Re: I want to retract my blessing.

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    THERAPY! 

    This is awful.   The loss of a child is terrible and I don't know how I'd feel if someone used my daughter's name in her honor.  

    I think you can handle this in a few ways:

    1) Brutal honesty.   Say you mean no ill will but this is truly difficult for you.  Recognize that their choice to name their baby is truly theirs and theirs alone (and MEAN IT) but you can say that hearing your daughter's name is painful and you hope that they respect that you are still grieving.

    2) Think about whether the honesty is worth it.   Also recognize that what someone names their child is not your choice.   Know that no one is every trying to replace her and my guess is that anyone attempting to phrase this as such is misplaced in how they themselves are handling their grief. 

    There's no timeline or rule for how long you're supposed to mourn.   But if the name is making you ill perhaps it's time to seek the counsel of a trained professional. 
    charlotte989875
  • I second therapy.

    I'm lucky when I named BabyKitten after my dad, people knew it was a name that was on our list already even if he hadn't passed - his name was also associated with his dad {my grandfather} so in our life, it honoured 2 people.

    Anyways .... that being said, her middle name is honouring one of my grandmother's maiden name, and I did clear with her before making it official.


    Counseling will help LW in general, loss is never easy regardless.
  • I think it’s brutal honesty time; if this is hard for you tell them. But also know they can and may do whatever they want and name her after your daughter. And if they do you have to find a way to be at peace with it. 

    Maybe they can give her the daughters name as a middle instead of a first? That way they’re still honoring her, without the LW having to hear it frequently. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomei34levioosa
  • I think it’s brutal honesty time; if this is hard for you tell them. But also know they can and may do whatever they want and name her after your daughter. And if they do you have to find a way to be at peace with it. 

    Maybe they can give her the daughters name as a middle instead of a first? That way they’re still honoring her, without the LW having to hear it frequently. 
    I had a hard time knowing what to say about this one, but you summed up my thoughts.  I'm so sympathetic to the LW, but then the rest of the family is excited about it.  Including the LW's ex.  And, of course, people can name their child what they would like.  In fact, if it wasn't for the fact that they asked her how she felt, I would have said to not even bring it up.

    But they did.  So I do think it's okay for her to go back to them and say something like, "I've given it a lot more thought..." and then explain her feelings.

    Using the daughter's name as a middle name sounds like a great compromise, if the parents are open to it.
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    charlotte989875OurWildKingdomei34ILoveBeachMusic
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