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Wedding Woes

Pot or parenting?

Dear Prudence,

When my wife and I first got together over four years ago, one of the things that we bonded over was our mutual enjoyment of pot. We were daily smokers, and I always thought of this shared interest as being a foundational part of our relationship. She began having some mental health issues and decided to stop smoking altogether. I had no interest in stopping, so I continued, but would just do it in the backyard at the end of the day. She was fine with this. When we started talking about having kids, she told me she did not think that pot had a place in the parenting of young children and that she would like me to cut back significantly when we became parents. Her ideal was none at all, but she agreed that it could be more like drinking alcohol—occasionally, not to excess, and not around the kids when they’re very small.

Now my wife is pregnant, and she wants me to quit smoking pot yesterday. She constantly brings up that I agreed to stop smoking when we became parents and that I’d better start cutting back now that she’s pregnant so that I won’t have to go cold turkey once the baby is born. I still don’t want to quit. It enriches my life, it makes me more even-keeled and laid-back (I used to be quite anxious and prone to anger before I started smoking), and I don’t see how these qualities could be bad for raising a child. I wouldn’t ever smoke around the kid, but she’s acting like taking pot every day is equivalent to parenting as an active alcoholic. I just don’t see it this way. Can I parent while also smoking pot?

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Re: Pot or parenting?

  • I'll admit that I don't understand pot smoking and only tried it once, but if smoking a small amount to be high is akin to being tipsy then no, you're out of line.   You wouldn't say, "I find that alcohol helps to reduce my daily tensions and anxieties and mellows my temper.  Why can't I have two bourbons when I get home from work?" 

    This guy sounds like someone who needs a real therapist.   If you were prone to anger and have smoked pot daily for over half a decade and you're using this drug as your therapy then IMO it's as misplaced as using food for comfort but WORSE.

    This sounds like a relationship with poor communication and a guy who refuses to grow up. 
    STARMOON44OliveOilsMomOurWildKingdomei34
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with @STARMOON44 Also smoking around pregnant women is not safe for the woman and the fetus. LW is being really selfish. And if they have “anger issues” then they doubly need therapy and to identify why they need to use every day. 


    image
    STARMOON44OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • I don’t think it’s the smoking itself but that when you’re smoking you can’t care for the baby, so it’s all on your wife. And you’re talking about that every single day. 

    Now one hit before bed is significantly different than an entire bowl when you get home from work. But I’m just guessing we’re not talking about the former. 
    OurWildKingdomcupcait927OliveOilsMom
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Even in a state where this is legal (it's not stated one way or the other) this amount of smoking is excessive to me.  In an illegal state, I think it's even more outrageous that you're buying, holding, using an illegal substance in the same home with a newborn baby.  That's not ok.  
  • Casadena said:

    Dear Prudence,

    When my wife and I first got together over four years ago, one of the things that we bonded over was our mutual enjoyment of pot. We were daily smokers, and I always thought of this shared interest as being a foundational part of our relationship. She began having some mental health issues and decided to stop smoking altogether. I had no interest in stopping, so I continued, but would just do it in the backyard at the end of the day. She was fine with this. When we started talking about having kids, she told me she did not think that pot had a place in the parenting of young children and that she would like me to cut back significantly when we became parents. Her ideal was none at all, but she agreed that it could be more like drinking alcohol—occasionally, not to excess, and not around the kids when they’re very small.

    Now my wife is pregnant, and she wants me to quit smoking pot yesterday. She constantly brings up that I agreed to stop smoking when we became parents and that I’d better start cutting back now that she’s pregnant so that I won’t have to go cold turkey once the baby is born. I still don’t want to quit. It enriches my life, it makes me more even-keeled and laid-back (I used to be quite anxious and prone to anger before I started smoking), and I don’t see how these qualities could be bad for raising a child. I wouldn’t ever smoke around the kid, but she’s acting like taking pot every day is equivalent to parenting as an active alcoholic. I just don’t see it this way. Can I parent while also smoking pot?

    Yeah, and?  She's right.  That's almost exactly what it's like.

    Personally, I think an alcohol addiction is worse than a pot addiction.  And I'd have no issue with what he is doing if it was just him and his wife.

    But she's pregnant.  So cut way back on the smoke around her, ffs.  It doesn't matter if you just smoke outside and she stays inside.  She's still being exposed when he walks back in.

    She's also right that cutting back now will help him get into those habits for when there is baby/small kids around.

    And PPs make a great point he WON'T have time to be lazing around outside.  Babies/kids need a lot of time and also add a lot more housework.

    I think the wife is spot-on with the other part of it being similar to alcohol.  It's okay on occasion (like the weekend) and not to excess.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdomSTARMOON44ei34
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    As someone who works in child welfare, I agree with the mom. If it’s illegal, he needs to stop smoking. If it’s legal, he needs to cut back. Either way he needs counseling and anger management.
    MesmrEwe
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Casadena said:
    Even in a state where this is legal (it's not stated one way or the other) this amount of smoking is excessive to me.  In an illegal state, I think it's even more outrageous that you're buying, holding, using an illegal substance in the same home with a newborn baby.  That's not ok.  
    It’s the type of thing only privileged white men think is okay, because “pot smoking near the kids” is what winds up with poor minority women losing their kids. 
    This is unfortunately true.
  • First of all - foundation of your relationship is pot? Wtf I just can't get beyond that sentence 

    Also this couple needs to discuss things and she can't expect him to drop it like yesterday. Habits aren't easy to break, but he could say he'll cut down to quit.

    As a side note, M smokes. Not a whole lot, and always way after BabyKitten and I go to bed. If there is question on something {low grade temp, etc} then he will refrain as a precaution.
    He legit has maybe 3 puffs of a joint? He has issues sleeping and finds it helps quiet his brain ... but we are also in the midst of discussing him even cutting that down.
    OurWildKingdom
  • First of all - foundation of your relationship is pot? Wtf I just can't get beyond that sentence 

    Also this couple needs to discuss things and she can't expect him to drop it like yesterday. Habits aren't easy to break, but he could say he'll cut down to quit.

    As a side note, M smokes. Not a whole lot, and always way after BabyKitten and I go to bed. If there is question on something {low grade temp, etc} then he will refrain as a precaution.
    He legit has maybe 3 puffs of a joint? He has issues sleeping and finds it helps quiet his brain ... but we are also in the midst of discussing him even cutting that down.
    My H smokes too, and I do on occasion as well. It’s not (yet) legal here but likely will be soon. 

    I don’t expect that he’ll stop when we have a kid and I don’t think he would need to. He would never do it around me while pregnant or around a baby. He’s never unsafe (neither am I) and that wouldn’t change. 

    But it doesn’t sound like it’s whether or not he smokes but the how much/when/where he’s doing it and it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise. 

    I do think you can parent while taking pot because because I know a ton of people who do it responsibly. But it doesn’t sound like the LW is interested in that; he sounds like he doesn’t want anything to change and that’s not a responsible way to do this. 
    short+sassyMissKittyDangerOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • banana468 said:
    First of all - foundation of your relationship is pot? Wtf I just can't get beyond that sentence 

    Also this couple needs to discuss things and she can't expect him to drop it like yesterday. Habits aren't easy to break, but he could say he'll cut down to quit.

    As a side note, M smokes. Not a whole lot, and always way after BabyKitten and I go to bed. If there is question on something {low grade temp, etc} then he will refrain as a precaution.
    He legit has maybe 3 puffs of a joint? He has issues sleeping and finds it helps quiet his brain ... but we are also in the midst of discussing him even cutting that down.
    My H smokes too, and I do on occasion as well. It’s not (yet) legal here but likely will be soon. 

    I don’t expect that he’ll stop when we have a kid and I don’t think he would need to. He would never do it around me while pregnant or around a baby. He’s never unsafe (neither am I) and that wouldn’t change. 

    But it doesn’t sound like it’s whether or not he smokes but the how much/when/where he’s doing it and it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise. 

    I do think you can parent while taking pot because because I know a ton of people who do it responsibly. But it doesn’t sound like the LW is interested in that; he sounds like he doesn’t want anything to change and that’s not a responsible way to do this. 
    To a certain degree I agree with that.

    Having a kid will often change your lifestyle depending on what you used to do.   And IMO it's the mark of an asshole think that nothing should change for you because your wife is the one pregnant. 
    Totally agree. 

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • First of all - foundation of your relationship is pot? Wtf I just can't get beyond that sentence 

    Also this couple needs to discuss things and she can't expect him to drop it like yesterday. Habits aren't easy to break, but he could say he'll cut down to quit.

    As a side note, M smokes. Not a whole lot, and always way after BabyKitten and I go to bed. If there is question on something {low grade temp, etc} then he will refrain as a precaution.
    He legit has maybe 3 puffs of a joint? He has issues sleeping and finds it helps quiet his brain ... but we are also in the midst of discussing him even cutting that down.
    My H smokes too, and I do on occasion as well. It’s not (yet) legal here but likely will be soon. 

    I don’t expect that he’ll stop when we have a kid and I don’t think he would need to. He would never do it around me while pregnant or around a baby. He’s never unsafe (neither am I) and that wouldn’t change. 

    But it doesn’t sound like it’s whether or not he smokes but the how much/when/where he’s doing it and it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise. 

    I do think you can parent while taking pot because because I know a ton of people who do it responsibly. But it doesn’t sound like the LW is interested in that; he sounds like he doesn’t want anything to change and that’s not a responsible way to do this. 
    Agreed, and I think the main issue is the compromise of both LW and spouse and LW doesn't wanna change.
    charlotte989875OurWildKingdom
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    MissKittyDangerOurWildKingdomei34ILoveBeachMusic
  • Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 
    short+sassyMyNameIsNotInLoveInQueens
  • Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 
    I'm on the fence about it.   I can tell you that if you have any kind of clearance where that can be a major issue in retaining it then that's a big issue.

    But IMO whether or not you have it in your home is a discussion that you have with your spouse and you have to mutually agree how to run your household. 
    charlotte989875MissKittyDanger
  • banana468 said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 
    I'm on the fence about it.   I can tell you that if you have any kind of clearance where that can be a major issue in retaining it then that's a big issue.

    But IMO whether or not you have it in your home is a discussion that you have with your spouse and you have to mutually agree how to run your household. 
    Totally agree. One my of my best friends is a pharmacist and her partner smokes but only when they’re out of their house and he doesn’t keep any in the house because it could jeopardize her license. It works for them. And totally get it on the clearance part; neither of us (or my friends I referenced above) have careers where that is relevant. 

    And I totally agree it’s a decision people have to make the decision themselves on whether it is something they want in their house but I think a blanket “its never okay and people who do aren’t responsible” isn’t cool because for many people it’s just not a risk. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

  • Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 
    MyNameIsNotInLoveInQueens
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

  • Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
  • Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
    So your opinion is formed based on the item's legality only.     


    Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit?   Would you do it with kids in the car?  Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?  
    charlotte989875
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
    So your opinion is formed based on the item's legality only.     


    Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit?   Would you do it with kids in the car?  Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?  
    Not intentionally and absolutely not when other people are in my car.  
  • Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
    So your opinion is formed based on the item's legality only.     


    Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit?   Would you do it with kids in the car?  Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?  
    Not intentionally and absolutely not when other people are in my car.  
    Wow! On many of the roads I’m on driving the speed limit is unheard of. You must live in a dramatically more civilized part of the country than me! You’d be getting rear ended here. 
  • CasadenaCasadena member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
    So your opinion is formed based on the item's legality only.     


    Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit?   Would you do it with kids in the car?  Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?  
    Not intentionally and absolutely not when other people are in my car.  
    Wow! On many of the roads I’m on driving the speed limit is unheard of. You must live in a dramatically more civilized part of the country than me! You’d be getting rear ended here. 

    Haha, to be fair, my driving typically consists of stop and go traffic to and from work so there's not much opportunity to speed even if I wanted to.  But when I do venture further, I'm usually going away from the city where there's far more open roads and far less traffic. 
  • Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    banana468 said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:
    Casadena said:

    Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone

    idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird. 

    Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL.  I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user.  But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion.  H and I have had quite a few discussions about this.  I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally.  I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.

    I mean I get that, but in my state it’s decriminalized but not legal; meaning for the average person it’s a ticket/fine but not a crime with jail time (for people with under a certain amount, higher amounts/selling/distributing is a crime). 

    But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law. 

    I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation. 

    It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that.  And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.

    My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period.  Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would.  Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug.  Would you want that in your house? 

    I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved.  Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned. 

    Because it’s a different drug and the legal risks are substantially different, so yeah I wouldn’t have cocaine in my house but do have pot because the risks are very clearly not the same. 

    But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible. 

    I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children.  I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.

    If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them. 

    So you want to be able to say that people are irresponsible if they have pot in the house with kids but you also want people to acknowledge that they're free to ignore what you're saying?  

    I'm honestly not understanding.
    I personally think it's irresponsible if people have illegal drugs in the house with kids regardless of what the drug is - full stop.  

    Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic.  No one has to agree with me. 
    So your opinion is formed based on the item's legality only.     


    Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit?   Would you do it with kids in the car?  Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?  
    Not intentionally and absolutely not when other people are in my car.  
    Wow! On many of the roads I’m on driving the speed limit is unheard of. You must live in a dramatically more civilized part of the country than me! You’d be getting rear ended here. 
    Word.   On the Merritt Pkwy in Southwestern CT good luck if you don't go over the speed limit.   Tons of entrances force you to get to highway speed at a stop sign, drivers are often in the left lane knowing of the areas that are a pain and if you're going 55 mph you're definitely the slow one.

    But @Casadena, my point of questioning was if you would do this on a road, on a highway and if you see a difference between say 1-10 mph over the limit and in excess of 20 mph over the limit? 


    charlotte989875
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