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Wedding Woes

It's not about what anyone else wants. And the kids will be alright.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for five years. We were together for 13 years before that. We have two young children under 5 and have been separated for a year. Our marriage was awful. He started a new business and had absolutely no time for me or the kids. He also resented that my younger siblings lived with us and said that was one of the reasons he didn’t want to spend time at home. He was neglectful, unsupportive, and distant. I threatened to leave daily, and sometimes he’d laugh. Eventually I found out that he had an online dating profile. He swore he never met anyone. I moved back home with my family, and that’s where I’ve been for a year. However, everyone in my family and his has pushed me to try again for the kids, saying I’ll regret it if I don’t give it one more chance, since he’s apparently changed and sorry and wants to be better. His business is more on track and he has more time. My heart says it’s not worth it. I was so unhappy and honestly can’t remember anything good from those years. But our relationship prior to marriage was good, and I do want to do what’s best for our kids. I’m so confused.

—Worth Trying Again?

Re: It's not about what anyone else wants. And the kids will be alright.

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    "But our relationship prior to marriage was good, and I do want to do what’s best for our kids."  Prior to marriage, you also didn't have kids.  So maybe, your life before kids was good.  You can't come back from that.  What's best for kids often times is not to grow up in a dysfunctional home.  

    mrsconn23charlotte989875ei34
  • Have you talked to him?  What drove you two together and what's pushing you apart?  Did the siblings move in unexpectedly or were they a package deal?  Did things move quickly so that his only private time was when he was working? 

    People ask me if I want another baby and I know my husband needs his alone time.   I know that a baby is a team effort and when I'm pulling my hair out it's not fair to either mental state to increase his anxiety or mine.   Consequently if a 3rd was added we would love him/her but I am avoiding pregnancy.

    Cut to this couple - I think she needs to talk and figure things out.   It may be a marriage that was never going to work but they also need to figure out if she actually wants to save it and what would it take to repair it.     
    charlotte989875mrsconn23OliveOilsMomei34
  • It sounds like this marriage was unhealthy from the start; lying about having an online portfolio/not spending time at home is wrong, but so is threatening every day to walk out of the marriage. They both need to do some work here on what marriage looks & feels like to them, and then decide if those are compatible. 

    But if you're not interested in trying again, don’t. Because doing it just because other people want to you is not going to work. 
    banana468ei34MesmrEwe
  • What's best for the kids - two parents who behave like civilized adults instead of children.  There is enough blame in that letter to go around.  She was giving him an "out" and he wanted to live with her and the kids not her and his in-laws and the kids...  A healthy coparenting relationship is the starting point where the two of them communicate with boundaries and participate in their kids lives on a unified front even though they're not married!
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  • Why do families think it's better to stay together for the kids? Kids aren't stupid. They know when their parents aren't happy nor working together.

    I know one girl is still living with her ex - different room - because they have a kid, but it's also financially easier because she cannot afford a separate place.
    charlotte989875MesmrEweei34
  • Yup.   You should not stay together "for the kids".   If you stay together it's because you're working on your relationship together.

    The issue here seems to be that neither of them handled conflict well.
  • Why do families think it's better to stay together for the kids? Kids aren't stupid. They know when their parents aren't happy nor working together.

    I know one girl is still living with her ex - different room - because they have a kid, but it's also financially easier because she cannot afford a separate place.
    I know a guy who lived with his ex AND her new husband about two years after the divorce (he is also paying the mortgage on the house even though he has since moved out)...  That said, he's over there almost every night to say good-night to the kids and they're a team of three without being stressed out because the marriage just wasn't meant to be saved.  
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    MissKittyDangershort+sassy
  • MesmrEwe said:
    Why do families think it's better to stay together for the kids? Kids aren't stupid. They know when their parents aren't happy nor working together.

    I know one girl is still living with her ex - different room - because they have a kid, but it's also financially easier because she cannot afford a separate place.
    I know a guy who lived with his ex AND her new husband about two years after the divorce (he is also paying the mortgage on the house even though he has since moved out)...  That said, he's over there almost every night to say good-night to the kids and they're a team of three without being stressed out because the marriage just wasn't meant to be saved.  
    I mean if there are boundaries and amicable split, it could work. Tbh with how some parents co-parent, it works but it's so rare.

    Idc how amicable M and I would try to be if we split, we'd both need our own space for a bit to at least get over whatever the reason is - even if you're living close.
    MesmrEwe
  • I think there is a lot to be said for possibly giving the marriage another shot, but with a few major caveats.  Counseling is an absolute must.  Including both of them acknowledging their own part in why things failed, because  I'm not getting that vibe from her.  And I also think they should "date" for awhile to see how things go and not jump back in to living together.

    With all that said, if she absolutely positively cannot see herself back with him even in the best of circumstances.  Or still being unhappy even in the best of circumstances.  Then she needs to stand firm and tell her family/friends to MYOB, because the subject is closed.  Staying in an unhappy place "for the kids" is bad for everyone. 
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    MissKittyDanger
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