• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Woes

You sound super judgey, so maybe start with an apology?

Dear Prudence,

My older brother “Sean” recently came out to our family. It wasn’t really necessary, though, since we already knew. Not in an “Oh, we always knew” sort of way, but because he already came out to us when he was 17, nearly a decade ago. He had a boyfriend and everything at the time. Some of the family took it well and some didn’t, but eventually it all came together. Then he went away to college, and while he didn’t have anyone serious, I know he dated. Then last week he turned up on Sunday with his new boyfriend to a family dinner and “came out” to us all. Again. We mostly said we’d already known, and he got annoyed and said this had been difficult for him. He “wanted us to take it seriously.” So we kind of went along with it because we didn’t want to call him out in front of his boyfriend. My mom says to just ignore it, but I feel like I should talk to Sean about this. It’s weird, and if there’s something bothering him I’d like to know. I just don’t know how to broach it or what questions to ask.

—Come Again

Re: You sound super judgey, so maybe start with an apology?

  • Talk to him one on one.   Ask how he's doing and what's going on.   
    ei34
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 12
    VarunaTT said:

    Also re-reading this...he said he wanted it taken seriously.  In my experience, that usually  means someone was on the "Are you sure?  Maybe it's a phase" train in "that family that didn't take it well."  So yeah, he had to do it again, so he could be respected as an adult finding his identity.
    YES! Maybe the family's reaction sent Sean down a rabbit hole of self-questioning/doubt about who he is and it's taken him all this time and reflection to be the 'real' Sean.  I get why he'd leave his family out of that process and honestly, mom's reaction is super telling by saying to 'ignore it'.  What?  I mean I get family patterns and I definitely know when to engage/stand up and when to let shit go with my sisters based on our dynamic, but it's trivial shit...not their identity and romantic relationships. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomei34
  • I agree with @VarunaTT ; in the fact it sounds like before no one took him seriously about it.

    LW could talk to brother but it really won't be useful, unless they ask if they were a problem before {ex: if they accepted him before, did he not feel it to be so?} and figure out how to change it if he says so. Or even let him know that if other family is still wishy-washy, you're still around.
  • What a bizarre thing to get your knickers twisted over.  I feel sorry for Sean, his entire family sound condescending and petty. 

    short+sassycharlotte989875OliveOilsMom
  • It sounds like when the brother came out the first time, people didn't take him seriously.  Maybe because of his youth.  Plus, per the LW's own words, some family members were unsupportive.

    It seems like because of those reasons, the brother chose to avoid talking about his romantic life until this particular Sun. dinner.

    He obviously felt he needed to tell his family again.  I don't know why the LW is making a big deal about "but he already told us", instead of accepting that this probably has more to do with him not feeling very supported the first time it happened.

    Let it go already and treat their brother like they normally would.  Here's a starter, "It was so nice to meet John on Sun.!  He seems really nice.  How long have you all been seeing each other?"  Or any other typical chit-chat when a sibling brings home their new SO. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OliveOilsMom
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can’t even count the number of times in high school I heard “it’s just a phase. They’ll ‘straighten out.’” I bet that Sean’s family said something similar which was condescending and dismissive. LW should apologize to their brother. 


    image
    ei34
  • That Sean had to come out again tells me the family did a poor job the first time.  I feel bad for him.  I ditto a one on one conversation 
  • See, at first I thought LW was thinking it weird that the brother forgot he came out a decade ago, and for something that big I can see that being a concern.  But after reading through, I see what you all are saying - it isn't a concern about his memory, it's the fact that he must have felt that they didn't hear him the first time and he had to come out again.  
    Just forget the first instance and treat this as the first time he is coming out and support your sibling instead of having (what in my head is) a rolling eye reaction and not taking him seriously.
    imageimage
  • So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
  • So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    But both of those are still unacceptable. 
    climbingwifelevioosa
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    I'm not sure what kind of personality you could possess to make your family think it's a "phase". Or how you could say "I'm gay", and your family thinks "whatever". Your devil's advocate point doesn't really make sense? "Sean" came out to his family, and because of their reactions the first time, felt it had to be brought up again. 

    STARMOON44OliveOilsMom
  • So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    But both of those are still unacceptable. 
    Like I said at the beginning, I'm not saying it's right.
  • So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    I'm not sure what kind of personality you could possess to make your family think it's a "phase". Or how you could say "I'm gay", and your family thinks "whatever". Your devil's advocate point doesn't really make sense? "Sean" came out to his family, and because of their reactions the first time, felt it had to be brought up again. 
    As I mentioned in the beginning ... I'm not saying family's right was just trying a different p.o.v. Their reaction previously may have made him feel he needed to express himself again, and his family could have just 'brushed it off'
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    I'm not sure what kind of personality you could possess to make your family think it's a "phase". Or how you could say "I'm gay", and your family thinks "whatever". Your devil's advocate point doesn't really make sense? "Sean" came out to his family, and because of their reactions the first time, felt it had to be brought up again. 
    As I mentioned in the beginning ... I'm not saying family's right was just trying a different p.o.v. Their reaction previously may have made him feel he needed to express himself again, and his family could have just 'brushed it off'
    Right, that's what we're saying. But your counterpoint doesn't make much sense, and instead is putting the blame on Sean for his families poor reaction. 

    Maybe I'm still half asleep but I've read this over and over, and it does make sense to me?

    Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?

    STARMOON44
  • So I weirdly thought about this recently .... I'm gonna play mild version of devil's advocate here. {Note: I'm not saying family treated/treating him right - just a different p.o.v}

    Is it possible the way Sean's personality is made the family think it's a phase? Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    I'm not sure what kind of personality you could possess to make your family think it's a "phase". Or how you could say "I'm gay", and your family thinks "whatever". Your devil's advocate point doesn't really make sense? "Sean" came out to his family, and because of their reactions the first time, felt it had to be brought up again. 
    As I mentioned in the beginning ... I'm not saying family's right was just trying a different p.o.v. Their reaction previously may have made him feel he needed to express himself again, and his family could have just 'brushed it off'
    Right, that's what we're saying. But your counterpoint doesn't make much sense, and instead is putting the blame on Sean for his families poor reaction. 

    Maybe I'm still half asleep but I've read this over and over, and it does make sense to me?

    Or the way Sean said it they thought of it as a 'whatever' kinda deal and just moved on?
    No. Still blaming family. Maybe wording isn't clear - my apologies.
    Family not taking him originally telling them, and brushed it off and family moved on. Basically disregarding his comments for one reason or another - LW did mention it wasn't a surprise though.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards