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Wedding Woes

Another sad marriage letter.

Dear Prudence,

Last week, I told my husband to leave our home. I’ve done this many times over the past three years, for good reasons—drinking too much, not adequately treating his mental illness, verbally abusing our kids and me, and making terrible financial decisions that affect all of us. Every time, I’ve let him come back, sometimes because it benefited me (I needed him to watch the kids over the summer), and sometimes because the kids begged me to give him another chance. The last time I let him come back, the only thing I asked of him was to be respectful to me and our kids. Last week, he screamed at me because I made pasta for dinner. I’d asked him to pick up a chicken dinner at the grocery store, but he was late, and he didn’t call or reply to my texts. The kids were hungry, so I made some pasta. He screamed at me for wasting his time and his money.

I told him to leave and I really mean it this time. Now he’s telling our kids, his family, and even people at church that he can’t believe I kicked him out over something so insignificant. He’s got everyone thinking this one tiny thing isn’t worth “making him leave,” but in my view it’s one tiny thing piled up on top of everything else he’s done over three years. Am I wrong? Does it really seem that I really ending a marriage over pasta versus chicken, or am I ending a marriage after three years of continued abuse and disrespect, with one tiny last straw that finally broke my back?

—Straws

Re: Another sad marriage letter.

  • He's trying to make LW the villain.

    If people ask, I would suggest explaining "It wasn't just that. There's more to it" and depending on comfort/person, LW could go in the fact this isn't the first time he's been kicked out.

    But LW needs to remember a quote I saw not long ago. Somebody needs a villain in the story. Sometimes that's you.
    short+sassyei34
  • edited September 12
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    mrsconn23short+sassyOliveOilsMomei34
  • mrsconn23 said:
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    Are you a Vanderpump Rules fan?  ;)

    I wish LW could care less about people at church and what he's telling them.  Because if they care about her, they'll ask her what's up.  If they judge, then they're assholes that aren't in her corner. 

    As far as his family, if they step to LW to ask or shame her, she should pull no punches.  The kids is the hardest one.  But kids aren't dumb, and at this point she needs to stay strong on keeping him out, for the kids.  I'm sure they've felt a sense of decompression with his volatility removed. 



    mrsconn23short+sassyclimbingwife
  • mrsconn23 said:
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    Are you a Vanderpump Rules fan?  ;)

    I wish LW could care less about people at church and what he's telling them.  Because if they care about her, they'll ask her what's up.  If they judge, then they're assholes that aren't in her corner. 

    As far as his family, if they step to LW to ask or shame her, she should pull no punches.  The kids is the hardest one.  But kids aren't dumb, and at this point she needs to stay strong on keeping him out, for the kids.  I'm sure they've felt a sense of decompression with his volatility removed. 



    Image result for pasta vanderpump rules gif
    charlotte989875climbingwifekerbohl
  • LW can own this.   She also needs to be pretty damn clear to her H and anyone else that this is a pattern of behavior.

    She isn't saying it but I think she needs to be clear in her communication to everyone so this doesn't come across as knee-jerk and rather that his pattern of behavior is not working for anyone in the home and thus he's bringing this upon himself.   

    And LW may do well with therapy so there's a clear understanding with how to handle conflict here. 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomei34
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 12
    He's trying to make LW the villain.

    If people ask, I would suggest explaining "It wasn't just that. There's more to it" and depending on comfort/person, LW could go in the fact this isn't the first time he's been kicked out.

    But LW needs to remember a quote I saw not long ago. Somebody needs a villain in the story. Sometimes that's you.
    I like a general statement like this that the LW can have at the ready.  It's a reminder for people that they don't know what goes on behind closed doors, without the LW going into specifics.

    I seriously love that quote and need to remember it!  As a landlady, I know I'm occasionally the villain in people's stories when I've done nothing but be respectful and professional.  Even when I'M not treated the same way.  It's been an interesting lesson in psychology that people will get mad at everybody else, no matter how thin the reason, when they should actually be looking in the mirror.

    My H and I have a friend who's like that also.  He often makes obviously bad decisions.  And then makes up the craziest "six degrees of separation" stories as to why bad outcomes are someone else's fault and not his.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875ei34
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    Are you a Vanderpump Rules fan?  ;)

    I wish LW could care less about people at church and what he's telling them.  Because if they care about her, they'll ask her what's up.  If they judge, then they're assholes that aren't in her corner. 

    As far as his family, if they step to LW to ask or shame her, she should pull no punches.  The kids is the hardest one.  But kids aren't dumb, and at this point she needs to stay strong on keeping him out, for the kids.  I'm sure they've felt a sense of decompression with his volatility removed. 



    Image result for pasta vanderpump rules gif
    idk who this person you're quoting is, but he has fascinating eyes :O 
  • VarunaTT said:
    I went through something really similar in my divorce.  Honestly, it's not worth it.  There will be some people who will come to LW with respect and ask.  There are some who will make judgement and picks sides.  It will all uplift and pull LW down for awhile.  The best thing though, is just to know that LW is doing what is right for LW and that you have to take back the power over your life.  If that makes you a villain so be it.

    However, I did make this for myself and I used it often in the story where I was made the villain, deserved or not, b/c at the end of it:

    Image may contain 1 person
    Stealing for later. Because I am just waiting for the day when I see someone who heard half of a situation I was part of and made into the villain so I can actually explain how no one was a villain essentially.
    VarunaTT
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    Are you a Vanderpump Rules fan?  ;)

    I wish LW could care less about people at church and what he's telling them.  Because if they care about her, they'll ask her what's up.  If they judge, then they're assholes that aren't in her corner. 

    As far as his family, if they step to LW to ask or shame her, she should pull no punches.  The kids is the hardest one.  But kids aren't dumb, and at this point she needs to stay strong on keeping him out, for the kids.  I'm sure they've felt a sense of decompression with his volatility removed. 



    Image result for pasta vanderpump rules gif
    idk who this person you're quoting is, but he has fascinating eyes :O 
    His name is James.  He's British and a dumpster fire.  But his family is a whole trash yard fire, so the apple->tree and all that.  He is one of the most compelling characters on Vanderpump Rules and definitely keeps the drama fire fueled. 

    Everyone on that show is some level of trash (except for Ariana, a  who's a boss-bitch queen). 
    charlotte989875climbingwife
  • mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    mrsconn23 said:
    You’re not wrong. It’s not about pasta. You can’t live in a house where you don’t feel emotionally (or physically) safe. He’s still trying to abuse you by bad mouthing you to everyone. This is gaslighting, it’s abusive, and you don’t have to take it. 
    Are you a Vanderpump Rules fan?  ;)

    I wish LW could care less about people at church and what he's telling them.  Because if they care about her, they'll ask her what's up.  If they judge, then they're assholes that aren't in her corner. 

    As far as his family, if they step to LW to ask or shame her, she should pull no punches.  The kids is the hardest one.  But kids aren't dumb, and at this point she needs to stay strong on keeping him out, for the kids.  I'm sure they've felt a sense of decompression with his volatility removed. 



    Image result for pasta vanderpump rules gif
    idk who this person you're quoting is, but he has fascinating eyes :O 
    His name is James.  He's British and a dumpster fire.  But his family is a whole trash yard fire, so the apple->tree and all that.  He is one of the most compelling characters on Vanderpump Rules and definitely keeps the drama fire fueled. 

    Everyone on that show is some level of trash (except for Ariana, a  who's a boss-bitch queen). 
    The way his mouth moves in "pasta" I guessed Brit/English tone.

    Ahhh the dumpster fires lmao! Can't do reality shows, be his eye omg.
    I do enjoy knowing who the dumpster fires are though ;) 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm just here for the Vanderpump gifs. 

    mrsconn23charlotte989875
  • He's playing the victim.  LW should try hard to stick to her guns this time, I know she struggles with that but this guy is horribly abusive.  
    I think it's sad that the kids are so involved, asking LW to give the dad another chance...he probably over involves him. Ugh 
    short+sassy
  • He ended the marriage over pasta by deciding to verbally abuse his wife because she was thoughtful enough to make dinner.  He decided to lose it over nothing, not her.   But yeah, sure, tell everyone that your wife is leaving because of pasta, and avoid the inevitable follow-up questions of "what do you mean..." that show him as clearly being the dick.  
    imageimage
    MissKittyDangershort+sassy
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