Bonus Advice Column Letter - No Birds

short+sassy

I was reading Slate's Care and Feeding advice column...letters are primarily about families/kids/schooling...and thought this one was different and interesting:

My Aunt Mildred has just passed. She was in her late 80s, it was in her sleep, we’re all at peace about it.

Here’s the problem: In her will, she left my 14-year-old daughter her horrible bird. I am biased, because I grew up in New York and see all birds as rats with wings, but I never imagined one would wind up living and pooping in my house.

It’s a monk parakeet, which the internet tells me can live from 15 to 20 years (“Hawk” is, as far as we can tell, about 5 years old.) I don’t want it in my house, and I really don’t want to inherit it when my daughter leaves for college. What do I do? 

short+sassy

Despite Aunt Mildred's wishes, I'll give the LW a full pass to do whatever they wish with that bird.  As long as its humane, of course.  Aunt Mildred, even from the grave, does not get to dictate what pets will be in my house.

I wouldn't have even let it come in!  If it has some value and can be sold, I would do that and give my daughter the money.  If not, I'd try to give it away.  Or take it to a shelter or bird sanctuary.  

MissKittyDanger

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

ILoveBeachMusic

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

Nope. Just because the daughter would want it doesn't mean she would get if it were my house. My daughter and sons wanted lots of pets they didn't get. Of course, LW should talk to her daughter about the bequest and explain to her why the bird isn't/can't come to live with them. Definitely something humane should be done concerning the bird. I'm sure there are rescues for birds (don't know if this considered an exotic or not). BTW, the taking care of the bird after the daughter leaves for college is a real thing. Most colleges/universities don't allow animals other than fish in the dorms.

MyNameIsNot

I would probably allow my 14 year old to keep the bird, if she wanted it and if she was responsible for taking care of it. I don't think a child should dictate what pets stay in my house, but given the circumstances and her age, I think it would be a good learning experience for her. Otherwise, I would find a rescue or re-home for it. I would not accept responsibility for the bird after the kid moves out. If she's going off to college and can't take the bird, it will be going off to its new home at the same time. 

MissKittyDanger

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

Nope. Just because the daughter would want it doesn't mean she would get if it were my house. My daughter and sons wanted lots of pets they didn't get. Of course, LW should talk to her daughter about the bequest and explain to her why the bird isn't/can't come to live with them. Definitely something humane should be done concerning the bird. I'm sure there are rescues for birds (don't know if this considered an exotic or not). BTW, the taking care of the bird after the daughter leaves for college is a real thing. Most colleges/universities don't allow animals other than fish in the dorms.

LW's daughter is 14 and arguably could take care of the bird. I was .... 12 or 13 I think? When I got a hamster. He was my responsibility. If he needed food or shavings, my mum would buy it but it was up to me to know when I needed more.

Idk .... I feel LW could find a compromise if daughter really wants it.

STARMOON44

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

Too darn bad, she’s a minor living in her parents’ house. 

STARMOON44

MissKittyDanger said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

Nope. Just because the daughter would want it doesn't mean she would get if it were my house. My daughter and sons wanted lots of pets they didn't get. Of course, LW should talk to her daughter about the bequest and explain to her why the bird isn't/can't come to live with them. Definitely something humane should be done concerning the bird. I'm sure there are rescues for birds (don't know if this considered an exotic or not). BTW, the taking care of the bird after the daughter leaves for college is a real thing. Most colleges/universities don't allow animals other than fish in the dorms.

LW's daughter is 14 and arguably could take care of the bird. I was .... 12 or 13 I think? When I got a hamster. He was my responsibility. If he needed food or shavings, my mum would buy it but it was up to me to know when I needed more.

Idk .... I feel LW could find a compromise if daughter really wants it.

Can she provide the bird a home independent of her parents’ house? Doubtful. Hamsters don’t make a ton of noise or live for decades. 

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

I could see that if the LW was more "maybe" about it.  But I don't think they necessarily need to take their child's feelings into account if they really don't want this bird.

To me, it's a little bit like, "Mom/Dad, look at this cute puppy that followed me home.  Can we keep it?"  Parents get the absolute veto on "unexpected" pets.  I'm sure it's much easier said than done to say "no" to a torrent of tears and bitter disappointment, lol.  But, even if the daughter really wants the bird, she'll get over it.

I don't know if any of you watch the tv show "Life in Pieces", but your post reminds me of a hilarious episode.  There's a smart and sassy little girl in one of the families.  Probably 9 or 10.  Apparently, she and her parents had made a deal like a year earlier that if she did (insert huge list of accomplishments), they would get her a pet pig.

She did her huge list of accomplishments and tells them what she is going to name her new pet pig.  They have no idea what she is talking about because they had totally forgotten about it.  They only agreed to it because they didn't think there was any way she would do everything.  But she whips out the "agreement".  That she had even had them sign, lmao.  She even gets a binder that she supposedly had lovingly created over the last year that was all about her future pet pig.  Hint: the agreement was real, but the binder was faked.

Long story short, she didn't want the pig at all.  She wanted a cell phone.  Which she'd been asking for and they'd turned her down multiple times.  But when they weren't going to get her a pig, they "broke the news" they would get her a cell phone as a consolation prize.

However, then they find out about the scam from their older daughter.  And go back to the younger daughter with "Good news!  We were wrong.  A deal is a deal."  And walk a pig into the house and give it to her.  With the instructions of, just like she promised, she is 100% responsible for taking care of it.

mrsconn23

If LW really doesn't want the bird, I suggest she finds a bird rescue or a local chapter of the Audubon Society for assistance in finding the bird a safe home.   

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

What if LW's daughter wants it?

I think start with that. If daughter doesn't want it, then look into other options.

I could see that if the LW was more "maybe" about it.  But I don't think they necessarily need to take their child's feelings into account if they really don't want this bird.

To me, it's a little bit like, "Mom/Dad, look at this cute puppy that followed me home.  Can we keep it?"  Parents get the absolute veto on "unexpected" pets.  I'm sure it's much easier said than done to say "no" to a torrent of tears and bitter disappointment, lol.  But, even if the daughter really wants the bird, she'll get over it.

I don't know if any of you watch the tv show "Life in Pieces", but your post reminds me of a hilarious episode.  There's a smart and sassy little girl in one of the families.  Probably 9 or 10.  Apparently, she and her parents had made a deal like a year earlier that if she did (insert huge list of accomplishments), they would get her a pet pig.

She did her huge list of accomplishments and tells them what she is going to name her new pet pig.  They have no idea what she is talking about because they had totally forgotten about it.  They only agreed to it because they didn't think there was any way she would do everything.  But she whips out the "agreement".  That she had even had them sign, lmao.  She even gets a binder that she supposedly had lovingly created over the last year that was all about her future pet pig.  Hint: the agreement was real, but the binder was faked.

Long story short, she didn't want the pig at all.  She wanted a cell phone.  Which she'd been asking for and they'd turned her down multiple times.  But when they weren't going to get her a pig, they "broke the news" they would get her a cell phone as a consolation prize.

However, then they find out about the scam from their older daughter.  And go back to the younger daughter with "Good news!  We were wrong.  A deal is a deal."  And walk a pig into the house and give it to her.  With the instructions of, just like she promised, she is 100% responsible for taking care of it.

I loved Life in Pieces.  I need to rewatch it on netflix. 

DefConn is so going to try that one day.    He's dog-obsessed and DH and I are not interested at all.  Thankfully, FIL is 10 min away and Lucy (the dog) and DefConn are BFF's.  

OliveOilsMom

We had a very similar issue happen in our family, except it was the opposite.  My grandma changed her will and wanted her dog to go to a specific child (my aunt).  This aunt was not responsible for a variety of reasons.  So after my grandma passed, the others overruled the will on who gets the dog and a different aunt got the dog.  It was a much better situation for the dog and she happily lived for another 5 years.

So I say it is perfectly fine that LW doesn't want the bird, regardless of her daughter's age and ability to care completely for the bird.  Just make sure the new home for the bird is a responsible one, even if that means going through a shelter or bird rescue to find a proper home.

short+sassy

@mrsconn23, my younger sister was RELENTLESS about getting a dog, when we were growing up.  I think the requests started when she was about 4 or 5 and my parents finally gave in when she was 12, lol.  It was a hard-we aren't even considering it-no for years.  But she eventually wore them down.  My mom didn't even really like dogs, though she eventually grew a soft spot for K-B (dog's name).

Then my sister graduated from high school and moved into a new apartment with a group of friends about 6 months after that.  Guess who had to keep caring for my sister's dog because none of the apartment complexes would take dogs?  Yep. My parents, lol.  

Ro041

I got a dog when I was 16.  Guess who went with me to college?  My dog.  I got a second dog at 19 and they both moved with me countless times - out of undergrad, to a new city for law school, into the first home I bought etc.  Dog 1 lived until she was 19 and dog 2 lived until she was 15.  Their ashes live on a mantle in my home and I miss them both every day.

banana468

Ro041 said:

I got a dog when I was 16.  Guess who went with me to college?  My dog.  I got a second dog at 19 and they both moved with me countless times - out of undergrad, to a new city for law school, into the first home I bought etc.  Dog 1 lived until she was 19 and dog 2 lived until she was 15.  Their ashes live on a mantle in my home and I miss them both every day.

This is great that you did this but it's really unrealistic.   Most college dorms flat out don't allow animals and plenty of apartments don't either.   

Besides - the entire point here is that a grown adult is allowed to make choices about what they are and are not allowing in their home and it doesn't matter if it's in the will.   The only thing I'd do if I were the LW is look into places that will take this bird and give it a good home if they make the choice not to.  

My husband has allergies but even if he didn't, I'm not taking in pets and I would be hella pissed at the chutzpah of someone who gifted my children any kind of pet without my consultation.   The relative should have consulted with LW before passing.   Obviously it's too late to make that call but she's not obligated to take this bird just because the original owner didn't think her plan thoroughly. 

short+sassy

Ro041 said:

I got a dog when I was 16.  Guess who went with me to college?  My dog.  I got a second dog at 19 and they both moved with me countless times - out of undergrad, to a new city for law school, into the first home I bought etc.  Dog 1 lived until she was 19 and dog 2 lived until she was 15.  Their ashes live on a mantle in my home and I miss them both every day.

They sound like they were wonderful, furry friends!  At least that is pretty long-lived for dogs. But I know it's never long enough.

VarunaTT

I have read this letter over so many times.  And I want to say, "hey, it's your house, it's your rules."  But LW also seems rather overwrought about this whole thing. 

LW doesn't say whether or not there was conversations about the bird.  Just from the bird owners I know (which is about 5), they have always had plans about where the birds go, b/c they are so long lived (one of my friends owns a macaw and they have a generational life span for humans, so they've had multiple conversations with friends/family and have backups in the will providing for the bird).  And the fact that that detail is left out, especially w/how pissed LW seems to be, is odd.

Also, birds don't just fly about your apartment, pooping everywhere.  Many people don't live in college dorms through college; I went from home to an apartment.  LW seems to be borrowing trouble in order to get their way.  I'd actually like to know if LW has talked to daughter or anything about plans to take care of the bird now, and later.

I just need more details I guess, b/c I'm not really feeling that LW is telling the truth.

flantastic

VarunaTT said:

I have read this letter over so many times.  And I want to say, "hey, it's your house, it's your rules."  But LW also seems rather overwrought about this whole thing. 

LW doesn't say whether or not there was conversations about the bird.  Just from the bird owners I know (which is about 5), they have always had plans about where the birds go, b/c they are so long lived (one of my friends owns a macaw and they have a generational life span for humans, so they've had multiple conversations with friends/family and have backups in the will providing for the bird).  And the fact that that detail is left out, especially w/how pissed LW seems to be, is odd.

Also, birds don't just fly about your apartment, pooping everywhere.  Many people don't live in college dorms through college; I went from home to an apartment.  LW seems to be borrowing trouble in order to get their way.  I'd actually like to know if LW has talked to daughter or anything about plans to take care of the bird now, and later.

I just need more details I guess, b/c I'm not really feeling that LW is telling the truth.

Yeah, I feel like most of the material details have been left out. Does the daughter want the bird? If she does, does she have a plan for the bird? Can you live with whatever the plan would be? Can the daughter understand that if the bird stays now and she can't take him to college, that the bird will be finding another home?

Really - Have you had any conversations at all with anyone involved about how they feel about having a bird and how this would or would not work before you wrote to Prudie?

LW just really seems to hate birds, which is fine - you don't have to have one - but I agree that she's being dramatic about the impact of the bird and keeping a "rat with wings" in the house as if it's going to infect them all with something. I'm thinking this is more coming out of being pissed that Aunt Mildred put them in this position without talking to them at all. The aunt didn't really have a plan for the bird, because she didn't clear that plan with the parties involved.

ETA - I would be pissed about that too, and even if I didn't hate birds, might say "We're not doing this" just because I'd be upset about how it was handled. You don't get to tell me I get a pet.

flantastic

Ultimately, I think this is another Prudie letter where the person seems to just be so inexplicably helpless. Simply won't live with a bird in the house? Parent and tell your daughter so. Willing to consider it? Talk to your family and figure out a plan and people's needs. This isn't that hard. No one's forcing you into anything unless you let them.

short+sassy

For a small clarification.  This isn't a Prudie letter.  Though it is from a different advice column on Slate called "Care and Feeding".  That particular column doesn't always have the same person answering the letters, though I think it's usually one of a few.

They also have a special "Ask a Teacher" letter (I think) once a week.  Those letters are answered by different "guest" columnists, who are teachers.

MesmrEwe

I'm team LW here - her house her choice not to have pets of that type!  And really, it's probably the best for the bird as well!

Yes, LW can tell her kid "No!" on this - Lots of kids out there want rabbits, dogs, cats, goldfish, chickens, etc. but when faced with the reality that this isn't a 2-week commitment that's how we end up with so many situations with shelters.  

flantastic

short+sassy said:

For a small clarification.  This isn't a Prudie letter.  Though it is from a different advice column on Slate called "Care and Feeding".  That particular column doesn't always have the same person answering the letters, though I think it's usually one of a few.

They also have a special "Ask a Teacher" letter (I think) once a week.  Those letters are answered by different "guest" columnists, who are teachers.

Everything is Prudie

ILoveBeachMusic

VarunaTT said:

I have read this letter over so many times.  And I want to say, "hey, it's your house, it's your rules."  But LW also seems rather overwrought about this whole thing. 

LW doesn't say whether or not there was conversations about the bird.  Just from the bird owners I know (which is about 5), they have always had plans about where the birds go, b/c they are so long lived (one of my friends owns a macaw and they have a generational life span for humans, so they've had multiple conversations with friends/family and have backups in the will providing for the bird).  And the fact that that detail is left out, especially w/how pissed LW seems to be, is odd.

Also, birds don't just fly about your apartment, pooping everywhere.  Many people don't live in college dorms through college; I went from home to an apartment.  LW seems to be borrowing trouble in order to get their way.  I'd actually like to know if LW has talked to daughter or anything about plans to take care of the bird now, and later.

I just need more details I guess, b/c I'm not really feeling that LW is telling the truth.

I think she probably feels guilty because the Aunt loved the bird and doesn't want to disrespect the Aunt. However, LW doesn't like birds. I know of a lot of parents that refuse to let their children have pets because the parent doesn't like them. That is fine as a parent to say so. When the child (and yes a 14 yo is still a child) grows up they can buy and care for a pet. Yes, you are correct that many people don't live in dorms, but many people do, and LW doesn't know now what will be the daughter's situation. I would be pissed at the Aunt for not consulting me before leaving the bird to my daughter.

MissKittyDanger

short+sassy said:

For a small clarification.  This isn't a Prudie letter.  Though it is from a different advice column on Slate called "Care and Feeding".  That particular column doesn't always have the same person answering the letters, though I think it's usually one of a few.

They also have a special "Ask a Teacher" letter (I think) once a week.  Those letters are answered by different "guest" columnists, who are teachers.

this didn't seem like a @m@mrsconn23 problem  

kerbohl

short+sassy said:

For a small clarification.  This isn't a Prudie letter.  Though it is from a different advice column on Slate called "Care and Feeding".  That particular column doesn't always have the same person answering the letters, though I think it's usually one of a few.

They also have a special "Ask a Teacher" letter (I think) once a week.  Those letters are answered by different "guest" columnists, who are teachers.

I am so checking this out!  And I'll mine it for juicy ones and pass it on to my husband (he's a teacher).  

I think it depends on LW's actual feelings towards a pet and it depends on the daughter.  If LW doesn't actually mind a bird, then ask the daughter.  If daughter doesn't have a plan for the bird past high school, then say no.  I lived at home so I could keep my pets through school, and when I lived overseas for two years I had a plan for them in that time, including who would take them when their guardians had to go on holiday.  Responsible pet ownership and all!  But I do sometimes worry about my pets when I die, because I will probably have rabbits for as long as I possibly can.  It does worry me - I don't want them to end up in a shelter.

maine7mob

When someone leaves you something in their will, that something is now yours to do with as you see fit. Sure, it's nice to honor what you think was Auntie's intent, but sometimes, it just isn't possible.