Destination Weddings Discussions

Calling off Engagement - Please Help

History.

Fiancé and I have been together two years.  We've both been married before and have 3 kids between us from past our marriages.  My family lives a few hours away, but we visit often and they love him, my sister's husband and my fiancé are now best friends and are closing on their new business TOMORROW, so I'll have to deal with being around him in the future.  I'm not as close to his family (who lives minutes from us) as I'd like to be, but they do like me.  They just feel like they don't know me very well.  They're a very big family, with big personalities, and there are always 20 people around, whether its a bday party, football game, whatever. 

Fiancé hates that I don't feel close to his family, but its not from lack of trying. I've never had one on one time with any of them, even his sisters, and they've never tried to get to know me, its just very surface level.   

Our two daughters are very close (ages 8 & 9), and my son really looks up to him.  I know they'll be heart broken, and that's the hardest part.

Problems.

He proposed in June and it has been hell ever since.  We feel like we're being hit from all sides with one stressful thing after another.  Planning a wedding hasn't been fun, we're not excited, we stay stressed and it causes us to lash out at each other.  I think we've fought more in the past 3 1/2 months than the whole 2 years combined.  Started out just a few weeks after, a guy messaged me on FB saying he needed to talk to me about his wife and my fiancé, that they had been talking and blah blah blah.  The girl told me it wasn't true, they were having marital issues and he was grasping at straws, that my fiancé texted her 2 years before wishing her happy birthday and that was it. Fiancé felt like the husband was trying to cause problems between us, it was a MESS.  I believe him, and we did move on, but it started a perpetual cycle of blows ups and disconnect. 
Basically, we're just not happy right now.  I feel like he put a ring on my finger as a band aid; he feels like I have issues from my past marriage which was really bad and traumatizing, and we both have built up resentments.  We started going to therapy about a month ago, but I'm SO sick of arguing all the dang time that I just feel checked out.
I'm going through my second, very long custody battle with an awful ex = Stress.
He's buying a new business = Stress.  
I work A LOT and work alternating nights & days = Resentment.  He goes in when he wants, and leaves early every day to play golf = Resentment.

Yesterday, his dad called him asking to meet and talk because he's just seemed stressed and unhappy lately.  Fiancé told him he was fine, but his dad asked if everything was ok in the relationship.  Not that it should be a surprise, we've both told each other that we're sick of the arguing, it's distanced us a lot and I don't know if we can repair what's been damaged just in the last couple months. 

Do I cancel and we go our separate ways?  Do we cancel and just try to work on our relationship and revisit engagement later?  Do we keep trudging ahead and try to get out of this very deep slump?!

The Wedding.

Wedding is in Cabo next year, Save the Dates have gone out and a few family members have already booked.  I feel HORRIBLE, but I just can't go through with it knowing how miserable we both are.  If we decide to work on our relationship (big IF) and decide later to get married, we can elope, but I'm scared that we can't repair what all the arguing has done.  
I did make a FB event page for everyone invited to the wedding, initially just to ask questions and get excited about the trip. Should I use it to announce that we've called off the wedding?  How do I explain this to people?  What do I do? I feel so ashamed and guilty. 

Re: Calling off Engagement - Please Help

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    History.

    Fiancé and I have been together two years.  We've both been married before and have 3 kids between us from past our marriages.  My family lives a few hours away, but we visit often and they love him, my sister's husband and my fiancé are now best friends and are closing on their new business TOMORROW, so I'll have to deal with being around him in the future.  I'm not as close to his family (who lives minutes from us) as I'd like to be, but they do like me.  They just feel like they don't know me very well.  They're a very big family, with big personalities, and there are always 20 people around, whether its a bday party, football game, whatever. 

    Fiancé hates that I don't feel close to his family, but its not from lack of trying. I've never had one on one time with any of them, even his sisters, and they've never tried to get to know me, its just very surface level.   

    Our two daughters are very close (ages 8 & 9), and my son really looks up to him.  I know they'll be heart broken, and that's the hardest part.

    Problems.

    He proposed in June and it has been hell ever since.  We feel like we're being hit from all sides with one stressful thing after another.  Planning a wedding hasn't been fun, we're not excited, we stay stressed and it causes us to lash out at each other.  I think we've fought more in the past 3 1/2 months than the whole 2 years combined.  Started out just a few weeks after, a guy messaged me on FB saying he needed to talk to me about his wife and my fiancé, that they had been talking and blah blah blah.  The girl told me it wasn't true, they were having marital issues and he was grasping at straws, that my fiancé texted her 2 years before wishing her happy birthday and that was it. Fiancé felt like the husband was trying to cause problems between us, it was a MESS.  I believe him, and we did move on, but it started a perpetual cycle of blows ups and disconnect. 
    Basically, we're just not happy right now.  I feel like he put a ring on my finger as a band aid; he feels like I have issues from my past marriage which was really bad and traumatizing, and we both have built up resentments.  We started going to therapy about a month ago, but I'm SO sick of arguing all the dang time that I just feel checked out.
    I'm going through my second, very long custody battle with an awful ex = Stress.
    He's buying a new business = Stress.  
    I work A LOT and work alternating nights & days = Resentment.  He goes in when he wants, and leaves early every day to play golf = Resentment.

    Yesterday, his dad called him asking to meet and talk because he's just seemed stressed and unhappy lately.  Fiancé told him he was fine, but his dad asked if everything was ok in the relationship.  Not that it should be a surprise, we've both told each other that we're sick of the arguing, it's distanced us a lot and I don't know if we can repair what's been damaged just in the last couple months. 

    Do I cancel and we go our separate ways?  Do we cancel and just try to work on our relationship and revisit engagement later?  Do we keep trudging ahead and try to get out of this very deep slump?!

    The Wedding.

    Wedding is in Cabo next year, Save the Dates have gone out and a few family members have already booked.  I feel HORRIBLE, but I just can't go through with it knowing how miserable we both are.  If we decide to work on our relationship (big IF) and decide later to get married, we can elope, but I'm scared that we can't repair what all the arguing has done.  
    I did make a FB event page for everyone invited to the wedding, initially just to ask questions and get excited about the trip. Should I use it to announce that we've called off the wedding?  How do I explain this to people?  What do I do? I feel so ashamed and guilty. 

    Postpone the wedding. Go to counseling. It sounds as though you guys have had a lot of big life stressors and wedding planning is the straw that broke the camel’s back. You both need to communicate, and you need to learn new ways to discuss things constructively. 


    image
    charlotte989875
  • You and your fiance definitely have some things you need to work through before getting married, but I don't think you're at a point where your relationship can't be improved. I agree that postponing the wedding and going to counseling is probably the best next step for you. 

    Whether you decide to postpone or cancel, do not rely solely on FB to let people know that plans have changed. For anyone that you know has already booked for the wedding, you need to contact them directly and let them know what's going on. You can't guarantee that everyone will see something on FB in a timely manner.
    image
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I answered you on your Chit Chat thread. 
    Postpone the wedding.  No other decisions need to be made at this time.
    Limit the number of people to which you vent.  More and differing opinions will only cloud your own head. 
    FB is NOT the channel to use to make announcements regarding the wedding. 
    Create a card or email that merely states the wedding planned for XX-XX-XX has been postponed.  People may want additional information, but they are not required to receive it. 
    While things may feel stressful/awkward/embarrassing at the moment, the situation would be far worse if you marry with doubt and/or regret. 
    charlotte989875levioosa
  • It’s better to cancel now, work through things (or not) and get married later than it is to get married and feel like you regret it. 

    People who made reservations will be fine. They’ll handle themselves and it’s not on you to do anything. You don’t owe them an explanation and you don’t owe them more information that you feel comfortable sharing. 
    levioosa
  • I answered on Etiquette.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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