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Etiquette

Calling off Engagement - DW already booked, please Help

History.

Fiancé and I have been together two years.  We've both been married before and have 3 kids between us from past our marriages.  My family lives a few hours away, but we visit often and they love him, my sister's husband and my fiancé are now best friends and are closing on their new business TOMORROW, so I'll have to deal with being around him in the future.  I'm not as close to his family (who lives minutes from us) as I'd like to be, but they do like me.  They just feel like they don't know me very well.  They're a very big family, with big personalities, and there are always 20 people around, whether its a bday party, football game, whatever. 

Fiancé hates that I don't feel close to his family, but its not from lack of trying. I've never had one on one time with any of them, even his sisters, and they've never tried to get to know me, its just very surface level.   

Our two daughters are very close (ages 8 & 9), and my son really looks up to him.  I know they'll be heart broken, and that's the hardest part.

Problems.

He proposed in June and it has been hell ever since.  We feel like we're being hit from all sides with one stressful thing after another.  Planning a wedding hasn't been fun, we're not excited, we stay stressed and it causes us to lash out at each other.  I think we've fought more in the past 3 1/2 months than the whole 2 years combined.  Started out just a few weeks after, a guy messaged me on FB saying he needed to talk to me about his wife and my fiancé, that they had been talking and blah blah blah.  The girl told me it wasn't true, they were having marital issues and he was grasping at straws, that my fiancé texted her 2 years before wishing her happy birthday and that was it. Fiancé felt like the husband was trying to cause problems between us, it was a MESS.  I believe him, and we did move on, but it started a perpetual cycle of blows ups and disconnect. 
Basically, we're just not happy right now.  I feel like he put a ring on my finger as a band aid; he feels like I have issues from my past marriage which was really bad and traumatizing, and we both have built up resentments.  We started going to therapy about a month ago, but I'm SO sick of arguing all the dang time that I just feel checked out.
I'm going through my second, very long custody battle with an awful ex = Stress.
He's buying a new business = Stress.  
I work A LOT and work alternating nights & days = Resentment.  He goes in when he wants, and leaves early every day to play golf = Resentment.

Yesterday, his dad called him asking to meet and talk because he's just seemed stressed and unhappy lately.  Fiancé told him he was fine, but his dad asked if everything was ok in the relationship.  Not that it should be a surprise, we've both told each other that we're sick of the arguing, it's distanced us a lot and I don't know if we can repair what's been damaged just in the last couple months. 

Do I cancel and we go our separate ways?  Do we cancel and just try to work on our relationship and revisit engagement later?  Do we keep trudging ahead and try to get out of this very deep slump?!

The Wedding.

Wedding is in Cabo next year, Save the Dates have gone out and a few family members have already booked.  I feel HORRIBLE, but I just can't go through with it knowing how miserable we both are.  If we decide to work on our relationship (big IF) and decide later to get married, we can elope, but I'm scared that we can't repair what all the arguing has done.  
I did make a FB event page for everyone invited to the wedding, initially just to ask questions and get excited about the trip. Should I use it to announce that we've called off the wedding?  How do I explain this to people?  What do I do? I feel so ashamed and guilty. 


Re: Calling off Engagement - DW already booked, please Help

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Why are you posting this on so many boards?  Pick one please, and add XP in the title of the others.
  • I know there are a lot of good reasons "on paper" to marry your FI.  But, at the end of the day, the worst thing you can do is marry someone when you know it is a mistake.  Because that is just going to compound the problems.

    If you all are pretty sure that the wedding will be cancelled or postponed, I'd recommend letting your guests know ASAP.  Especially before more people book reservations.  Contact everyone by phone, first.  I know that's daunting and you should split the task up with your FI.  But it's too impersonal to do it over FB and some of your guests may not be regular FB users anyway.  Have a "line" ready to use when people ask questions, so that you don't have to get bogged down and repeat the same upsetting conversation.  Something like, "it's too upsetting to talk about right now, but FI and I know the best thing is to cancel/postpone (whichever is applicable) at this time."

    Hopefully, your guests who booked are still within a window where they can cancel all their reservations.  If not...and this may not be etiquette-required, but it's the right thing to do...I think you and your FI should reimburse people back for any cancellation fees.

    Don't make yourself with shame or guilt.  Sometimes these things happen and people understand.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875
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