Classic Prudie: Bad Grandma

mrsconn23

Q. Vegan Baby: My ex-daughter-in-law has full custody of my 18-month-old granddaughter “Kimmy.” We always had a strained relationship, even more so after the bitter divorce she and my son went through, but I was able to get her to agree to let me visit my grandchild once a month. Last month I took her out to a park and fed her a nutritious lunch and snacks. When “Irene” found out I had fed Kimmy meat and cheese, she chided me for not respecting her decision to not feed Kimmy animal products. I am convinced that depriving my grandbaby of nutritious meat and dairy (except for her mother’s milk) is abusive, and I called the authorites. Now Irene won’t let me see Kimmy anymore, but the authorities haven’t done anything either, as far as I know. I’m so sad and angry. And worried for my sweet little Kimmy! What can I do to make sure she gets well fed and taken care of?

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Q. Vegan Baby: My ex-daughter-in-law has full custody of my 18-month-old granddaughter “Kimmy.” We always had a strained relationship, even more so after the bitter divorce she and my son went through, but I was able to get her to agree to let me visit my grandchild once a month. Last month I took her out to a park and fed her a nutritious lunch and snacks. When “Irene” found out I had fed Kimmy meat and cheese, she chided me for not respecting her decision to not feed Kimmy animal products. I am convinced that depriving my grandbaby of nutritious meat and dairy (except for her mother’s milk) is abusive, and I called the authorites. Now Irene won’t let me see Kimmy anymore, but the authorities haven’t done anything either, as far as I know. I’m so sad and angry. And worried for my sweet little Kimmy! What can I do to make sure she gets well fed and taken care of?

Oh what another nightmare.  

Grandma, you should have taken the olive branch Irene extended you and opted to feed your grandchild the fruit from it and not from an animal.

You got to parent your own child (probably badly) and she gets to parent hers.

Your choice now is to apologize profusely, tell your ex-DIL that you were both wrong to question her authority and ignore her wishes but were ALSO wrong in your nutritional assessment, and subsequent contacting of the authorities.  

The fault here grandma is all yours.   Should you desire to maintain any kind of relationship with Kimmy you need to own up to all of your mistakes (of which there are many) and hope for forgiveness. 

Irene is most likely not going to extend an olive branch to you any time soon and you have no one to thank but yourself for being in this predicament.   Should you ever find yourself as a party to a legal arrangement again I'd advise you to stick to the terms.

MissKittyDanger

Why do I also have this feeling that LW would have ignored the mother if it was also an allergy?
One kid on my mum's group has crazy food allergies, and they have to be so careful.

LW doesn't know reasons. Yes it could be just vegan reasoning, but maybe there's more to it?

kvruns

this has to be MUD.....right? Calling CPS? 

mrsconn23

kvruns said:

this has to be MUD.....right? Calling CPS? 

DH's cousin's wife is vegan and DH's cousin mostly goes along with it because he doesn't mind and they don't want to do separate meals and what not.  They have a 1 year old daughter. 

DH's uncle, the baby's grandpa, along with other members of DH's family don't 'get' the whole vegan thing.  They have asked questions, cajoled, and sometimes lightly teased them about their 'lifestyle'.  But I've heard private bitching/questioning as well.  It's exclusively from the older generation, whereas all of us around their age just accept it as, "That's their decision. " 

If any of them were super unhinged, I could see this type of dumbass escalation because of concerns about the baby.   Even though she's perfectly healthy and the chunkiest little thing.   She also gets all types of food even though her mom is vegan because she understands it's her belief, but her daughter will make her own decisions in the future. And dad isn't strict vegan, he'll have a burger. 

banana468

MissKittyDanger said:

Why do I also have this feeling that LW would have ignored the mother if it was also an allergy?
One kid on my mum's group has crazy food allergies, and they have to be so careful.

LW doesn't know reasons. Yes it could be just vegan reasoning, but maybe there's more to it?

It.Doesn't.Matter.

LW decided to take it upon herself to not only ignore the terms of the arrangement but to double down and report her former DIL to CPS over something completely unfounded.   It reeks of her own sense of entitlement to feel that she gets to do this while being uninformed about the nutritional benefits of a vegan diet. 

LW screwed up big time and the blame for her pickle is on her.

flantastic

If it were a real, established thing that feeding children a vegan diet was highly malnutritious and therefore "abusive," over which you could legitimately call CPS and expect them to do something, you would know about it. Instead, that's a nonsensical "I feel" statement.

So, no, LW. No to all of this.

MissKittyDanger

banana468 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

Why do I also have this feeling that LW would have ignored the mother if it was also an allergy?
One kid on my mum's group has crazy food allergies, and they have to be so careful.

LW doesn't know reasons. Yes it could be just vegan reasoning, but maybe there's more to it?

It.Doesn't.Matter.

LW decided to take it upon herself to not only ignore the terms of the arrangement but to double down and report her former DIL to CPS over something completely unfounded.   It reeks of her own sense of entitlement to feel that she gets to do this while being uninformed about the nutritional benefits of a vegan diet. 

LW screwed up big time and the blame for her pickle is on her.

Oh I agree. Idk if my wording implied I wasn't blaming LW but I am. I would be pissed.
I am constantly updating my mum on foods BabyKitten can eat - it's like 90% of foods - because it changes so much. And I know if I said "BabyKitten can't have X" she wouldn't give it to her.
{ex - Tuesday M and BabyKitten went to my mum's for dinner while I had dentist appt. They had sheppards pie, and my mum had M break up some ground beef for BabyKitten so she knew sizing}

short+sassy

What this woman was expecting, ffs!  What an incredibly stupid thing to do.  OF COURSE your ex DIL no longer allows you to see her child!  It was bad enough she fed the little girl food she knew she wasn't supposed to give her.  But calling CPS over nothing?  Wow, GTFO.

Don't get me wrong.  Grandparents should absolutely call CPS when it is warranted.  Even if that could potentially cut-off/strain a relationship even more.

It also just struck me that it sounds like the LW knew the child was not fed meat.  But did not call CPS until the ex-DIL chastised her about feeding meat to the child.

Also curious why the father doesn't have any visitation.  That's usually sad and not for a good reason.  Either he doesn't want to be involved in his daughter's life or he isn't allowed to have much/any involvement.

drunkenwitch

I wonder how much meddling granny mcjudgy pants had to do with the divorce.  Hmmmmm.  Might be a mystery for the ages. 

kvruns

short+sassy said:

Also curious why the father doesn't have any visitation.  That's usually sad and not for a good reason.  Either he doesn't want to be involved in his daughter's life or he isn't allowed to have much/any involvement.

I didn't read it as he doesn't have any visitation although it could be possible since you might figure she could see the grandchild during his visitation days and wouldn't have needed a special arrangement. I guess I just took it as her wanting a special "grandma day" each month.  Or maybe dad now lives across the country? 

banana468

kvruns said:

short+sassy said:

Also curious why the father doesn't have any visitation.  That's usually sad and not for a good reason.  Either he doesn't want to be involved in his daughter's life or he isn't allowed to have much/any involvement.

I didn't read it as he doesn't have any visitation although it could be possible since you might figure she could see the grandchild during his visitation days and wouldn't have needed a special arrangement. I guess I just took it as her wanting a special "grandma day" each month.  Or maybe dad now lives across the country? 

Bitter divorce and sole custody?  It's possible that he gets a visit but I'm interpreting it as her son has limited contact and it's on the former DIL's terms because he too is an ass face. 

MyNameIsNot

I hope Irene keeps her stand and never lets grandma see this kid again. Grandma is toxic and will start manipulating and screwing up the kid by the time she's 4. 

short+sassy

banana468 said:

kvruns said:

short+sassy said:

Also curious why the father doesn't have any visitation.  That's usually sad and not for a good reason.  Either he doesn't want to be involved in his daughter's life or he isn't allowed to have much/any involvement.

I didn't read it as he doesn't have any visitation although it could be possible since you might figure she could see the grandchild during his visitation days and wouldn't have needed a special arrangement. I guess I just took it as her wanting a special "grandma day" each month.  Or maybe dad now lives across the country? 

Bitter divorce and sole custody?  It's possible that he gets a visit but I'm interpreting it as her son has limited contact and it's on the former DIL's terms because he too is an ass face. 

The letter says the ex-DIL has full custody, so this was my assumption also.  The father might have some contact, but doesn't have regular visitation.  Otherwise, the LW could see this child during those times.

It is so much nicer when things are more amicable and flexible.  But I realize it is not always that way.

ei34

Definitely feels MUD-dy.  Blatantly disregarding the mother's wishes is bad enough, but calling CPS?!  LW you're the worst!

ILoveBeachMusic

kvruns said:

short+sassy said:

Also curious why the father doesn't have any visitation.  That's usually sad and not for a good reason.  Either he doesn't want to be involved in his daughter's life or he isn't allowed to have much/any involvement.

I didn't read it as he doesn't have any visitation although it could be possible since you might figure she could see the grandchild during his visitation days and wouldn't have needed a special arrangement. I guess I just took it as her wanting a special "grandma day" each month.  Or maybe dad now lives across the country? 

This is what I thought too. My ILs had a similar arrangement for summer visitation with our nephew many years ago. They lived 4-5 hours from BIL and nephew so they didn't get to see him every time BIL had visitation.