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Etiquette

*discussion thread ended*

edited November 19 in Etiquette
thank you all for your suggestions

Re: *discussion thread ended*

  • Am having a destination wedding in Europe next year, where we're paying for our guests to stay at the venue for 2 nights. To our clearly single friends we sent out the save the dates without a plus one. To provide a timeline, save the dates were sent 7 months before the wedding. However, a friend of mine confirmed her attendance and also mentioned that 'if things go well' she was planning on bringing along a guy she just started dating. This left me a bit confused as we invited her alone, and this is a guy she recently met and starting seeing.

    For now I have told her we wont be able to accommodate her plus one, and i'll let her know closer to the date if we can. To which she was a bit taken aback that my immediate response wasn't a 'Yes! Of course you can bring a plus one'. Her subsequent attitude has made me want to not consider a plus one for her as I thought her reaction has been very childish and immature. Am I wrong about it all? Should I let her bring a plus one 'if things go well between her and him'??
    I agree with @ei34 completely.   

    Your friend is in a new relationship.   To her, this isn't a plus one.   This is her new significant other.   And in all relationships there had to be a time that the significance had to be new.   

    I'd change your formula to what is really the proper etiquette: invite anyone in a relationship with their significant other.     

    I am assuming that you and your FI are US residents as is your friend so that this is a DW that requires air travel.   That is also meaning that your friends and family who attend are going to be taking time off from work to be there.   Your friend is now facing the possibility of being in a relationship and using up what little vacation time she has available to attend your wedding or she can save the money and travel with the new BF.   That's not a position that a friend puts her mutual friend into in the first place. 

    Please do the right thing here and tell your friend that you're sorry and if she's in this relationship when invitations are sent that of course he's welcome to attend.

    Please also review your guest list and do this for all your guests.   They do not need a "plus one" but if they are in a relationship then their partner should be invited as well. 
  • You are actually totally in the wrong on this.  First off, I want to start with definitions.  A "plus one" is totally different from a Significant Other (SO).  What your friend is telling you is that the guy she is currently dating might be her b/f, ie SO, at the time when invites go out.  Proper wedding etiquette mandates that ALL guest SOs are included, by name, on the "main" guest's invitation.

    That is not my or @ei34's opinion.  That's standard etiquette.  To do otherwise, would be very rude.  Because it's asking a guest to come and celebrate your all's relationship, while saying with your actions that their relationship isn't "worthy" of an invite for their SO.   And it is your guest who defines if the person they are dating is an SO.  That wouldn't necessarily be an SO right now.  That would be an SO at the time when invitations are sent out.  Keep in mind, there might be other guests who are single at the moment, but might have a b/f or g/f when invites go out.  Those people will need their SOs invited, as well.

    A "Plus One" is what a truly single guest might be given to allow them to bring someone else.  And, while it's technically fine to not allow Plus Ones, I gotta be honest.  For a DW, I personally think it's a little crappy to not allow single guests to bring a Plus One.   These are people who are traveling across an ocean and basically taking a vacation to attend your wedding, but have to do their trip solo.  Or if they do have a friend come with them, that person can't come to the wedding.
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    MyNameIsNotbanana468sparklepants41
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So, you are 100% in the wrong here. You need to apologize to your friend. And someone your friend is dating is not a "plus one". Her SO absolutely should be invited with her. And it's not for you to judge the seriousness of their relationship. If she considers herself in a relationship, that is her SO. And it sounds like she's expecting this to be serious by the time your wedding rolls around. 

    So again, apologize to your friend for your rude behavior, and tell her of course her SO would be welcome at your wedding. 

    sparklepants41
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're wrong and you owe your friend an apology. Etiquette requires that anyone in a relationship at the time that invitations (not Save the Dates) go out must be invited with their partner. It sounds like this guy is already a s/o now or at least she expects he will be shortly, so needs to be invited.

    Although etiquette doesn't technically require you to invite plus ones for truly single guests, when you're asking people to go all the way to a destination wedding, it's generally expected that you invite plus ones. It's ridiculous to expect people to travel that far and long without even giving them the opportunity to bring along a companion. 
    short+sassy
  • Well we do have a tight guest list, even having to limit extended family invites to some extent as we are paying for all of our guests hotel stay ( 2 nights) and are catering all meals from breakfast to the dinners at the events we are having on 2 nights. I’d rather invite family than her (unsure) significant other if it came down to that.
  • Well we do have a tight guest list, even having to limit extended family invites to some extent as we are paying for all of our guests hotel stay ( 2 nights) and are catering all meals from breakfast to the dinners at the events we are having on 2 nights. I’d rather invite family than her (unsure) significant other if it came down to that.
    It's too late to do that without burning a bridge.   

    By the time your invites will go out you'll know whether or not this person is a significant other.   At that point if they are together then he needs to be invited.   

    At this point you're going to need to look into additional locations in case those become needed if all guests accept the invitation and attend.   

    Let this be a lesson to you and others: the better way to plan is to make a list of your guests, assume that if they're not attached they will be at the time invitations are sent and then that's your guest list.   If you start to need to decrease the list you decrease not by asking only half of a social unit to attend but by a full social unit.   Often, it's easiest to invite in tiers: such as inviting 1st cousins but not 2nd cousins, etc.   

    So at this point, start to look into what your options are to accommodate your nearest and dearest with THEIR nearest and dearest in other places.   If you start to decide who is "worth it" then you're going to be making decisions that will have effects long after the vows are exchanged.

    And one more word of advice: because you'e getting married in Europe please look into the legal requirements for where you're married because several countries do have residency requirements. 
    short+sassyMobKazsparklepants41
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Well we do have a tight guest list, even having to limit extended family invites to some extent as we are paying for all of our guests hotel stay ( 2 nights) and are catering all meals from breakfast to the dinners at the events we are having on 2 nights. I’d rather invite family than her (unsure) significant other if it came down to that.
    None of that is her fault or any excuse to be rude.

    You have planned poorly, and are calling her childish and immature for expecting to be treated with basic manners. The fact that you are blaming your own poor planning as a reason to treat her badly shows your own selfishness and immaturity. You should really be embarrassed! 
    banana468
  • edited November 19
  • What I would personally find embarrassing is asking for an additional invite, when addressed to just one.

    In my eyes poor planning would be not inviting people I would truly want to be there on my special day, and considering the limited space constraints I unfortunately have to make adjustments like these.

    When my fiancé and I were dating, we were invited to DW’s without a plus one/SO invite and we weren’t offended by it. In fact we each made the effort to be there for our respective friends special day without making a scene or asking to bring the other.
    I will admit that you *can* make the argument that asking for an invitation is rude.   But this walks a really thin line in being OK to be a doormat vs. simply declining because you aren't going to call out rudeness for what it is.

    In an older time, one would receive an invitation that excluded a significant other and the only appropriate course of action would be to decline that invitation.   Only if then asked would the declining guest state that it would not be appropriate to attend a social event where the significant other was not welcome, express the best of well wishes for the betrothed and then express the desire to get together as COUPLES after the vows are exchanged.    

    We're now often a culture that cuts to the chase.   In this case, your friend was expressing that she's anticipating that she expects that this is the start of a social unit and in nearly half a year's time when you are getting married this will be a full on social unit with the clear expectation that you honor this.   

    I understand that you're expressing how you planned and in all of this what you're stating is that you put the priority of something (the house/hotel?  The European destination?) over all the guests that you want to be there.  These are your choices that you and your FI mutually decided.    In doing this you still need to honor social units.   And if you wanted more people to attend then what you needed to do was figure out how to make that happen within your budget.   That means changing locations, times, etc.   What it doesn't mean is that it's acceptable to be rude. 

    It's nice that you and your FI made the choice to attend events that you both were not invited to.   That you did this is not a sign that anyone who made that choice did the right thing nor is it license for you two to make this choice now that it's your turn to get married.   It means that you overlooked a faux pas and that's all.   

    You have now been given some solid information on what you can do to improve your plans and how to do this appropriately.   The best course of action is to cease being defensive and instead start brainstorming ways that you can remedy the situation. 
    downtondivaCasadena
  • "(Friend) You know the other day when we talked, I looked it up and did some asking of etiquette on the situation and realized I messed up, I had some bridal blinders on and didn't realize how bad of a blunder it'd be to not invite the SO of someone in a relationship...  If things do work out at the time of the wedding with you and your new beau, they would be invited, if not, we're really tight on numbers so please let me know if they decide not to attend with you.."
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    banana468
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What I would personally find embarrassing is asking for an additional invite, when addressed to just one.

    In my eyes poor planning would be not inviting people I would truly want to be there on my special day, and considering the limited space constraints I unfortunately have to make adjustments like these.

    When my fiancé and I were dating, we were invited to DW’s without a plus one/SO invite and we weren’t offended by it. In fact we each made the effort to be there for our respective friends special day without making a scene or asking to bring the other.
    Just because someone treated you rudely doesn't make it OK for you to treat others rudely. 

    Again, a "plus one" invite is only when a person is truly single and you've allowed them to bring a guest. You cannot invite someone to your wedding, to celebrate your relationship, and not invite their SO. It's tacky and rude. Be prepared for a lot of hurt feelings from people you cared enough about to invite to your wedding. 

    You planned this backwards, also. You should have found a venue to accommodate your guests. 

    Also, just curious - where are you getting legally married in Europe? Are either you or your SO a citizen/resident of another country there? 

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What I would personally find embarrassing is asking for an additional invite, when addressed to just one.

    In my eyes poor planning would be not inviting people I would truly want to be there on my special day, and considering the limited space constraints I unfortunately have to make adjustments like these.

    When my fiancé and I were dating, we were invited to DW’s without a plus one/SO invite and we weren’t offended by it. In fact we each made the effort to be there for our respective friends special day without making a scene or asking to bring the other.
    Girl, get over it. You were wrong. Accept it and apologize to your friend. 

    It's a shame other people excluded your SO to other events. Your wedding is not the time to pay forward rude behavior. You know better. Don't punish this friend because someone else was rude to you at some undefined time in the past. It's really not that hard to be the decent person here. 
    MesmrEwe
  • If the friend was single when you invited her, you were not technically wrong. You invited a single woman because she was just that at the time.

    But for a DW, you really should invite plus ones for every single guest, for two reasons: 1) you're asking them to travel alone and very far and 2) you issue invitations much earlier with a DW, and a lot can change, as it did in this case. So be kind and tell your friend you want her there and she is welcome to bring her BF. 
  • maine7mob said:
    If the friend was single when you invited her, you were not technically wrong. You invited a single woman because she was just that at the time.

    But for a DW, you really should invite plus ones for every single guest, for two reasons: 1) you're asking them to travel alone and very far and 2) you issue invitations much earlier with a DW, and a lot can change, as it did in this case. So be kind and tell your friend you want her there and she is welcome to bring her BF. 
    @maine7mob the OP has not sent invitations.  She's sent STDs only.  There's a very real possibility that when actual invitations are sent the friend in question will be in a relationship.

    Otherwise I agree with you.  
    charlotte989875MesmrEwe
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