Wedding Woes

Oh his family will never stop meddling, so choose your choice.

Dear Prudence,

My wonderful boyfriend of nearly two years is truly a gem. We met just a month after my 18-year-old brother unexpectedly died. He wasn’t afraid of my grief, took me exactly as I was, and saw me through some of the lowest points I’ve ever endured. A year into our relationship, my father unexpectedly died—again, he was a rock star. He was supportive and loving. He’s funny, charming, kind, physically attractive. I couldn’t ask for more.

Except for one thing: His family won’t allow him to leave the city we both live in for any longer than a few hours. Literally. We are in our early to mid-20s, and he’s not “allowed” to visit my hometown (a one-hour flight from the city where we live) for an overnight trip. He still lives at home (it’s an expensive city), and he can’t afford to move out just yet.

I’ve stated and reiterated that visiting home is very important to me. I’ve experienced so much loss, and my mom is chronically ill. I want him to spend time with my family and see where I grew up. He says he understands but doesn’t want to fight with his mom about this. We are allowed to stay the night together at his family home (we share a room and a bed). I’ve tried to talk to his mom about it as well, but mostly get shooed away. What do I do?

—What the Hell?

Re: Oh his family will never stop meddling, so choose your choice.

  • Realize this could be your Mother-in-law some day and he needs to get over his Mom's fear and "cut the cord" and go away for the weekend!  There's a lot of growing up to do by both parties, but mid-20's it's time to assert independence and start making life changes/decisions.  
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Those apron strings would be a hard no for me. He’s in his mid-twenties. Time to tell mommy dearest if he wants to travel out of town, he’s traveling out of town. 

  • "BF, when you're ready to make your own decisions give me a call." 

    Cut him loose.   He isn't ready to act like a grown up so don't be in a grown up relationship with a child. 
  • You're both adults, yet his family is restricting his movements as if he was a young teenager...and he's just going along with it. You guys have been together long enough, and are old enough, that you should be able to travel together and be integral to each other's lives without his mother meddling and keeping him at home all the time. He may have been wonderful to you during your grief, but none of what you've said bodes well for your future with this guy. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to his family? Because that's what I see happening. 
  • Break up with him because he isn’t an adult yet. 
  • What do you do? Don't date a man child who's scared of his mommy. 

  • edited November 2019
    Image result for gif boi bye

  • Has he never gone on vacation?  I cannot imagine not being allowed to be out of the city I leave it for longer than a few hours.

  • Just because he did what a human should do and be kind to a person in grief doesn’t mean you have to go along with his mom making decisions for him. 

    The fact that it would be a fight with his mom is a big red flag, and one he doesn’t seem interested in addressing. 
  • While I suppose different people have different priorities, I personally love to travel.  Whether back home to visit family or a vacation or even a long weekend.  This would have been an immediate dealbreaker as soon as I found out about it.  And whose to say that, even if he moves out, he'll suddenly be "allowed" to leave town.

    His parents are unbearable and unreasonable.  None of this bodes well for many things.

    For example, I hope his parents host a good Thanksgiving meal and are fun at Christmas.  Because, LW, you and your potential future children will NEVER be allowed to go anywhere else but their house for the holidays.  Not even your own house.  Maybe their future grandkids won't be "allowed" to leave the city either.
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