Use. Your. Words.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

For years I have been ashamed of how I allowed a close male friend to treat me when I was in my 20s. “Jake” fell in love with me and reacted very angrily when I told him I’d like to remain friends. He’d lash out if he learned I’d done anything with another friend, and he’d turn vicious if that friend was male. I was always scared of upsetting him, because he had a really awful temper, which our mutual friends always downplayed. I eventually broke off contact after I was nearly raped and Jake told me I deserved it. Flash forward 20 years. I’m married to an amazing man and have great friends. Jake has become a much beloved public figure in the entertainment industry. He’s “woke,” challenges people like Louis C.K., and is, as he always was, very funny. My husband and friends adore him and regularly consume his material. I wither internally when one of them mentions Jake, because it’s difficult to hear the people I love praise him. Recently my husband surprised me with tickets to one of Jake’s appearances. A few of our good friends were also going. The thought of being in the same room (or theater) as Jake made me sick, and in the moment I’m ashamed to say I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to go. I just refused to go, which was understandably frustrating to my husband. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to dwell on Jake, but I owe the people I love an explanation.

—I Don’t Like This Act

charlotte989875

Tell them exactly what you told Prudie. 

short+sassy

The LW does not owe the people she loves an explanation.  However, there is also nothing wrong with...if she wants to...tell people exactly why she can't stand this guy and is sick at the thought of even seeing him again.

With that said, I do think she should tell her H and am a little surprised that she hasn't already.  Certainly not saying she "must".  But it seems like she is still keeping this as a "shameful secret".  When it shouldn't be her shame, it should be Jake's.

I also think it would be helpful to her to call RAINN and/or have some therapy sessions.  Because "nearly raped" still means she was sexually assaulted and, from what she's described in the letter, was traumatized by what happened.  While it's great that she doesn't want to (and hopefully hasn't) dwell on Jake, I think therapy and/or a support group could help her with that. 

mrsconn23

The celeb/pop culture fiend in me is dying to know "Jake's" real identity.  

But seriously, does no one know that LW knew this guy or is it a situation where LW has just let everyone think they were friends and nothing more?  I mean, it doesn't matter.  I just would find it very odd if LW just pretends they don't know Jake at all, but has such a visceral reaction to even being the same space as him. 

Either way, people don't know what they don't know.  LW needs to explain themselves somehow.  That doesn't mean going over every detail, but at least a, "Yeah, I knew him back in the day.  I thought we were friends, he wanted more.  Once I rejected him, he was quite nasty to me and it caused me a lot of pain."  

banana468

I think you tell the people you want to tell about this.   IMO, it's going to be a benefit to let your H in on this detail.   Perhaps with a therapist or contacting an abuse network can be the first step and then let him in on why you may feel guarded about things.

Then let out the information you desire to tell.   You can simply say, "I understand that he's funny and I know personal details about him that make me want to not contribute to his financial success and I'd prefer not to discuss it." 

I remember reading after Bill Cosby went to jail and then the Louis CK thing came out as well that some people tried the line, "I never found him funny."  A friend in the entertainment industry put it well, "You can find someone funny while absolutely abhorring what they did. " 

OliveOilsMom

I think LW needs to tell her H at least a watered down version of, I know Jake and he was not a good person, was very mean and nasty to me when I let rejected his romantic advances.  It got so bad that I distanced myself from the whole group of friends because of his behavior.  I would then tell him that you would prefer that you not talk about him or his humor, but that you don't want your extended friend group to know. (Because LW seems like a very private person.)

If LW does not want to mention the attempted rape or what Jake said about it, then she should not.  But I think it might be helpful for her to talk to someone about what occurred then, RAINN was a great suggestion.

And I, too, want to know who Jake really is!

VarunaTT

I think this is rather complicated on a few levels.

Personally, I think some therapy would be very beneficial to her.  She has lived through quite a few sexual traumas, it sounds like, and she needs help with that.  If she's kept Jake from her husband, I suspect she's kept other traumas from her husband and she just needs to work on that whole piece.

As far as what she "owes" in explanation: I don't think she owes any one, any thing. "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, as is "No thank you."  I would want to tell my spouse more than that, but no one else needs to be in the know.

climbingsingle

I'm also dying to know who "Jake" is. 

charlotte989875

I don’t think she owes anyone anything. I do think a “I really don’t care for him” would have been appropriate. I think if H got me tickets to a show he though I’d enjoy and I just refused to go & not tell him anything, he’d be pretty frustrated and I wouldn’t blame him. I don’t think she has to detail why she doesn’t care for him, but I think just refusing to go without telling him anything isn’t a great way to handle that either. 

levioosa

VarunaTT said:

I think this is rather complicated on a few levels.

Personally, I think some therapy would be very beneficial to her.  She has lived through quite a few sexual traumas, it sounds like, and she needs help with that.  If she's kept Jake from her husband, I suspect she's kept other traumas from her husband and she just needs to work on that whole piece.

As far as what she "owes" in explanation: I don't think she owes any one, any thing. "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, as is "No thank you."  I would want to tell my spouse more than that, but no one else needs to be in the know.

This is where I’m at. 

downtondiva

I could easily be up until 4AM trying to figure out who "Jake" is. 

I agree that LW doesn't owe anyone an explanation, but I would encourage her to explain to her husband what happened with Jake, even if she doesn't go into excruciating detail. It may help him understand why she reacted the way she did to the tickets. Also, if he's one of the people who's always mentioning/quoting/watching  Jake, it would hopefully get him to back off with that so LW isn't always being exposed to someone who hurt her in the past. I wouldn't necessarily get into all of this with friends, though. 

short+sassy

I happened to see the title of Prudie's letters yesterday when I did a search for the Dear Abby column.  It mentioned something like a "Now Famous Comedian..."  At least that narrows it down a good bit!  And apparently has jokes about Louis CK.  Another potential hint.

moira_rose_stan

VarunaTT said:

As far as what she "owes" in explanation: I don't think she owes any one, any thing. "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, as is "No thank you."  I would want to tell my spouse more than that, but no one else needs to be in the know.

I absolutely love the sentiment that "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, and need to imprint that on my brain, in terms of what "adult explanation" is and how little actual explanation is required for any given situation (in most cases). Growing up having to constantly fight for myself/be required to explain myself to my mother has me wired to provide 4 pages of solid facts and logic to back up my explanations! 

I too want to know who Jake is... 

MyNameIsNot

moira_rose_stan said:

VarunaTT said:

As far as what she "owes" in explanation: I don't think she owes any one, any thing. "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, as is "No thank you."  I would want to tell my spouse more than that, but no one else needs to be in the know.

I absolutely love the sentiment that "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, and need to imprint that on my brain, in terms of what "adult explanation" is and how little actual explanation is required for any given situation (in most cases). Growing up having to constantly fight for myself/be required to explain myself to my mother has me wired to provide 4 pages of solid facts and logic to back up my explanations! 

I too want to know who Jake is... 

This is stupid, but my head keeps saying it's Jake from State Farm! But of course that makes 0 sense. I really want to know who it is too. 

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

As far as what she "owes" in explanation: I don't think she owes any one, any thing. "I don't care for him," is an adult explanation, as is "No thank you."  I would want to tell my spouse more than that, but no one else needs to be in the know.

When I say LW needs to find a way to explain themselves, I'm ONLY referring to their spouse.  Anyone else can fuck off. 

Furthermore, LW does seem to need to figure out how to deal with their feelings about this Jake guy and their assault.  I imagine it may be having an impact on their life and marriage more than they realize. 

DH would be very weirded out if I freaked because he bought me tickets to see a live act (stand up or otherwise) and didn't tell him why I didn't want to go.  Related: I'm actually having a very hard time pulling myself out of living in my head with all that's going on with mom based on my past experiences with my best friend.  Explaining my feelings to DH has been hard, but I'm also having reactions to stuff that he isn't understanding until I explain where it's coming from. 

VarunaTT

DH would be very weirded out if I freaked because he bought me tickets to see a live act (stand up or otherwise) and didn't tell him why I didn't want to go.  Related: I'm actually having a very hard time pulling myself out of living in my head with all that's going on with mom based on my past experiences with my best friend.  Explaining my feelings to DH has been hard, but I'm also having reactions to stuff that he isn't understanding until I explain where it's coming from. 

I've been so worried about that @mrsconn23, b/c I remember that.  I knew this had to be harder for you b/c of A.  I've been thinking about you a lot.  I'm so sorry this is so heavy.

moira_rose_stan

What V said, mrsconn23. I'm so sorry about what you and your family are going through and I've been thinking about you.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

DH would be very weirded out if I freaked because he bought me tickets to see a live act (stand up or otherwise) and didn't tell him why I didn't want to go.  Related: I'm actually having a very hard time pulling myself out of living in my head with all that's going on with mom based on my past experiences with my best friend.  Explaining my feelings to DH has been hard, but I'm also having reactions to stuff that he isn't understanding until I explain where it's coming from. 

I've been so worried about that @mrsconn23, b/c I remember that.  I knew this had to be harder for you b/c of A.  I've been thinking about you a lot.  I'm so sorry this is so heavy.

moira_rose_stan said:

What V said, mrsconn23. I'm so sorry about what you and your family are going through and I've been thinking about you.

Thank you both.  I'm hanging in there, but the holidays are hitting me hard this year because I'm trying very hard not to let the little voice saying, "This might be the last..." become a scream.  

My therapist just had to take 2 weeks off to go to Hawaii (even worse, Maui...that BITCH! I gave her so many restaurant recs. ), so my break between sessions is SUPER long, which is not helpful.  DH has been ah-mazing and in the last year we've gotten so much better at telling the other one what we're feeling instead of unloading the feelings  in less constructive ways and making the other person feel responsible for the feelings.  So when I talk to him, he's getting good at drawing my fears out of me so I can work through them vs. going into 'I need to fix this' mode. 

MesmrEwe

charlotte989875 said:

Tell them exactly what you told Prudie. 

It actually is pretty easy to do a process of elimination for who "Jake" is with that info.  That said, I've spent too much time in the entertainment business/industry to know there are some absolute AH out there and LW did EXACTLY the right thing by outright refusing to go!  LW doesn't need that kind of negativity in her life.  The personality involved is one that she is strong for having cut him out in the first place as it'd been a red flag disaster if they'd have stayed together!

moira_rose_stan

MesmrEwe said:

It actually is pretty easy to do a process of elimination for who "Jake" is with that info.  That said, I've spent too much time in the entertainment business/industry to know there are some absolute AH out there and LW did EXACTLY the right thing by outright refusing to go!  LW doesn't need that kind of negativity in her life.  The personality involved is one that she is strong for having cut him out in the first place as it'd been a red flag disaster if they'd have stayed together!

Sooooo, who do you think "Jake" is?

MissKittyDanger

Nothing new to add .... but I'm assuming Jake is a comedian. I feel like "woke" and challenging Louis C.K are really our hints on who he is.

moira_rose_stan

Oh agreed, and I'm dying to know who it is... I have a few "Jakes" in mind, and I read MesmrEwe's response as they have a pretty good idea as to who it is. 

MesmrEwe

Very few "woke" and male comedians slammed Louis C.K. in recent years.  That list is already small.  Next, fewer are on a tour big enough that people would be getting tickets to this individual's show/appearance.  Add in that the individual is at minimum in their 40's doing "woke" comedy, and being actually funny, because the events happened 20 years ago when LW was in her 20's, which makes the possibilities list even smaller because of the nature of the industry.  "Much beloved and well known", yet the type of personality that angers easily if challenged or made to feel jealous, even more..  That part of the personality will tend to stick around.  

Who do I think it is is immaterial, I'm just glad LW GTFO of that toxic relationship when LW had the chance.  "Jake" also might not be a bad guy, but the combination of those two together could have been incredibly toxic!

moira_rose_stan

Agreed 100% on LW dodging that bullet. Your response has me pretty sure I'm in the right ballpark of who it could be as well, and I can't say I'm surprised. 

levioosa

moira_rose_stan said:

Agreed 100% on LW dodging that bullet. Your response has me pretty sure I'm in the right ballpark of who it could be as well, and I can't say I'm surprised. 

Who do you think it is?

moira_rose_stan

This is just a feeling and I obviously have no way to confirm this, but Chris D'Elia fits this description *quite* well. 

levioosa

@moira_rose_stan I’m not super familiar with him. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to say John Mulaney because that would make me sad lol

mrsconn23

levioosa said:

@moira_rose_stan I’m not super familiar with him. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to say John Mulaney because that would make me sad lol

I just listened to the "Salt and Pepper diner" joke/story again recently.  It's probably his best joke and funny af every time.  He builds it so well.  I can't hear Tom Jones without thinking of that joke. 

MyNameIsNot

mrsconn23 said:

levioosa said:

@moira_rose_stan I’m not super familiar with him. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to say John Mulaney because that would make me sad lol

I just listened to the "Salt and Pepper diner" joke/story again recently.  It's probably his best joke and funny af every time.  He builds it so well.  I can't hear Tom Jones without thinking of that joke. 

OMG, I hear "what's new pussycat" in the bathroom at the mall a few months ago. I laughed so hard I cried, and thought I was such a weirdo.