Dear Prudence,
My grandparents abused my mother for years when she was a teenager. My grandfather would get drunk and hit her (I haven’t heard specifics, but my mother did let it slip that he would punch her every time she got back up until she stopped trying to get up). My grandmother turned her back on her daughter, did nothing, and has remained married to him. My grandfather pretended to get sober when I was born, so my mother tentatively continued a relationship with her parents and moved back into their home while pregnant (in large part because she had nowhere else to go). I was unaware of my grandparents’ abuse until I was around 15 or so and was somewhat shocked by the news. It was difficult to reconcile the sweet, caring grandparents who helped raise me with her stories of the narcissistic, heartless monsters who raised her. This has been all been compounded by the fact that we still attend family holidays, but under a strict “let’s pretend that didn’t happen” pretense.
Personally, I’ve been ready to cut off my grandparents since I first learned the news. Their behavior is abhorrent to me, and I don’t believe they appreciate just how lucky they are for getting away with this, consequence-free. I’m additionally enraged by their behavior because I saw my mother struggle with PTSD, and my grandparents were of little help then, even though they were the people who caused these issues. My grandfather has long since resumed drinking, though my grandmother pretends she doesn’t know. Most recently, my hatred for them has manifested itself in anger dreams where I call my grandmother a whore and beat my grandfather. Part of me feels guilty for having these dreams, but another part feels relieved for letting the “secret” out. Seeing as the holidays are coming up and I may be expected to make yet another visit, what should I do? Despite their behavior, I do love them for what they’ve done for me and for my memories of the good times.
—But They’re Also Assholes