Wedding Woes

Wait, so why did you get married?

Dear Prudence,

I got married this October to the man I’ve been with since my mid-20s. We are now in our late 30s. I don’t doubt my decision to marry at all, but I fear for the future. I always wanted to become a mother, and for the past couple of years, my husband and I have mostly fought over this question. He has a point: I am drowning in student debt, I don’t have hopes of a high-paying job, and raising kids in these times means forever shrinking portions of a pie. But I’m smart, in a pretty good mental state, and we love each other.

The truth is he just doesn’t feel the same pull toward parenthood that I do, though he claims he “wants” it. With the serious doubts he feels and without a true emotional draw, I am scared that he will run out the clock unconsciously, and while I want to enjoy the honeymoon period, I also want to shout that he should take my fertility concerns more seriously. Feeling powerless means not feeling sexy. And I want to feel sexy. You advise a lot of families without significant means, so what do you say to this dilemma?

—Concerned About Children

Re: Wait, so why did you get married?

  • USE YOUR WORDS.

    Talk to your husband.   If this is a major priority for you then sit down with him.   And maybe sit down with him AND a financial planner.   Talk about ways that this isn't going to put you in the poor house.  But also talk to him about how this is an has been a priority for you.   Then listen to him.   You two need to determine if this is a deal breaker or not.   But Prudie isn't your husband. 
    STARMOON44short+sassy
  • I was with her up to the point of “feeling powerless means not feeling sexy. And I want to feel sexy” bit. What does that have to do with being on a different page about having kids? 

    Also why is her debt/salary the only thing that matters here? What about his? Do they make enough in combined assets? Something about this entire letter just seems off. 
    STARMOON44OliveOilsMom
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was with her up to the point of “feeling powerless means not feeling sexy. And I want to feel sexy” bit. What does that have to do with being on a different page about having kids? 

    Also why is her debt/salary the only thing that matters here? What about his? Do they make enough in combined assets? Something about this entire letter just seems off. 
    I also thought the same thing about that sexy part. 

    STARMOON44
  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2019
    This is a weird letter. One moment she's talking about having debt and being worried about the financial means to raise kids, then it's about her husband not wanting kids as much as she does, then about how she doesn't feel "sexy." It's kind of rambling and I'm not sure exactly what the LW is looking for here. 

    Considering the age of this couple and how long they've been together, I find it a little concerning that they don't seem to have ever gotten on the same page about kids.  There's a lot of things you can compromise or agree to disagree on in a marriage, but that isn't one of them.
    image
    CasadenaMissKittyDangershort+sassy
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Ok glad I’m not the only one confused...

  • Considering the age of this couple and how long they've been together, I find it a little concerning that they don't seem to have ever gotten on the same page about kids.  There's a lot of things you can compromise or agree to disagree on in a marriage, but that isn't one of them.
    THIS!  WHY in the hell did they get married with such a big question mark on the future? 
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Considering the age of this couple and how long they've been together, I find it a little concerning that they don't seem to have ever gotten on the same page about kids.  There's a lot of things you can compromise or agree to disagree on in a marriage, but that isn't one of them.
    THIS!  WHY in the hell did they get married with such a big question mark on the future? 
    I just can't even with this, smh.

    My only guess can be that she decided, even if it meant she might have to forego children, that she would rather have him.  But LW, SERIOUSLY, if he isn't ready now for kids, he probably never will be.  

    If she hasn't already looked up the stats for getting pregnant and carrying a child to term in her 40s.  Even her early 40s.  She needs to.  And share them with her husband.  All things equal, she might have no problem getting pregnant now in her late 30s.  But potentially need fertility help, which is certainly not cheap, in just a few years.

    As a woman in my mid-40s who probably has years before I go through menopause, I would have assumed I could get pregnant if I wanted to.  Albeit, it may take a little longer.  But looked it up out of curiosity awhile ago and was quite surprised to find out that may not be the case.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    mrsconn23 said:
    Considering the age of this couple and how long they've been together, I find it a little concerning that they don't seem to have ever gotten on the same page about kids.  There's a lot of things you can compromise or agree to disagree on in a marriage, but that isn't one of them.
    THIS!  WHY in the hell did they get married with such a big question mark on the future? 
    I just can't even with this, smh.

    My only guess can be that she decided, even if it meant she might have to forego children, that she would rather have him.  But LW, SERIOUSLY, if he isn't ready now for kids, he probably never will be.  

    If she hasn't already looked up the stats for getting pregnant and carrying a child to term in her 40s.  Even her early 40s.  She needs to.  And share them with her husband.  All things equal, she might have no problem getting pregnant now in her late 30s.  But potentially need fertility help, which is certainly not cheap, in just a few years.

    As a woman in my mid-40s who probably has years before I go through menopause, I would have assumed I could get pregnant if I wanted to.  Albeit, it may take a little longer.  But looked it up out of curiosity awhile ago and was quite surprised to find out that may not be the case.  
    Only 90DF’ers will get this:

    according to Angela, you can rely on just one egg. 

    charlotte989875short+sassy

  • I just can't even with this, smh.

    My only guess can be that she decided, even if it meant she might have to forego children, that she would rather have him.  But LW, SERIOUSLY, if he isn't ready now for kids, he probably never will be.  

    If she hasn't already looked up the stats for getting pregnant and carrying a child to term in her 40s.  Even her early 40s.  She needs to.  And share them with her husband.  All things equal, she might have no problem getting pregnant now in her late 30s.  But potentially need fertility help, which is certainly not cheap, in just a few years.

    As a woman in my mid-40s who probably has years before I go through menopause, I would have assumed I could get pregnant if I wanted to.  Albeit, it may take a little longer.  But looked it up out of curiosity awhile ago and was quite surprised to find out that may not be the case.  
    Only 90DF’ers will get this:

    according to Angela, you can rely on just one egg. 
    Thanks @CharmedPam.  Now I have this stuck in my head:

    "I can tote it!  I just need the egg."  Lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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