Wedding Woes

Y'all sound exhausting.

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I are extremely communicative, and we are always looking to improve in our relationship. It’s relatively new, and while we have faced several challenges, we are dedicated to learning as much as we can together. I am noticing that, due to his codependent tendencies, he likes to run all decisions past me for approval. This includes plans for the day, meal options, and things as simple as which bench to sit on for lunch. I am more independent, and while I too value a second opinion, I am finding myself increasingly overwhelmed with decision fatigue. I also have a parent who puts off decision making, so my tolerance for having to approve (seemingly) all choices is already pretty low. Clearly, the first level of addressing this is definitely to have a conversation between us about how his tendency for checking in is affecting me, but what would you recommend for cutting down on decision fatigue in relationships?

—Tired of Deciding

Re: Y'all sound exhausting.

  • USE. YOUR. WORDS.

    Would you like to have a conversation with him before lunch?  Do you think he's receptive best in the morning or at night?  Do you think he appreciates a direct approach or telling him how the questions make you feel?  
  • Just start cutting the requests off at the pass. Each time he asks something minor, say "up to you. I gotta run."
  • I'm calling MUD. 

    If they're so interested in learning more, why Prudie?  I feel like these are people who are out googling relationship tips and books (there's nothing wrong with that unless that also gets out of hand), so why write into Prudie?

    And just don't make the decision.  K and I also have this issue to a degree; it's part of their relationship baggage.  If it's not something I think I need to be involved in deciding, I ask, "What do you think?" and let me them talk through it with me and validate as needed.  A lot of the time, they what they really need and want is to talk through it and get validation, more than me actually choosing anything.  Sometimes I get a little bad about a side-eye, like "You're really asking me about that?", but they have had some seriously controlling ex relationships and so I try to be more understanding than not.
    charlotte989875
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2019
    banana468 said:
    The LW sounds exhausting because I’m sorry but who is always looking to improve their relationship & learn as much as they can together. This just sounds forced. Like they’re trying to be expert level communicators for the sake of being oh so good at it. 

    Say you don’t need to know what bench he sits on because that’s not meaningful communication and let him know you’re happy to help him make decisions on the big things. 
    This is super snarky but I am reading this as, "I am a young adult and have been in the corporate life for approximately 18 months.   I am excited to continue to build the trust in my partner as I do with my team and will use phrasing that makes all aware of how "up" I am on the corporate lingo.   I will phrase how I view my relationship to be how I view my career and this is a project that will build my resume." 

    It's written like she's middle management and he's a direct report. 
    DH and I didn't start actively, like, talking about our relationship a lot until a few years ago.  We only 'worked' on anything when there was conflict or decisions to be made, but we weren't talking to each other about how we feel about our relationship.  In the beginning, we just wanted to have fun (and fuuuuccckkk).  Then we were right into marriage, raising kids, and our careers (and he was in school until 2010).  The 'fog' of life lifted and some other stuff happened where we realized we either needed to choose each other or WTF were we doing here? I'm not saying our path was 'right', but who wants to constantly be all, "What's our 'couple goals'?"  

    This LW definitely sounds like they're trying to 'corporatize' this relationship.  Sounds really fun. 
    charlotte989875banana468
  • I would probably end up accidentally railroading a partner like that, lol.  I think I would naturally just start making the decisions and it's up to him to speak up.

    He doesn't need to ask me what bench I want to sit on, because I'm already about to sit down on one.  While we are waiting for our buzzer to go off at Texas Roadhouse, because I felt like eating a cheap steak and told him that is where we were going for dinner.

    "Ooohh.  Should I go to the bank first or my dry cleaner's first when I get off work?"  Me: "Bank."  Because it doesn't matter and that was the first option said.  Maybe it is more annoying IRL than it sounds, but I'm just not seeing it being a big deal.
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  • I have this problem with hubby sometimes, but he's just very indecisive and takes forever to makes decisions.  It's just quicker for him to get me to decide.  But that's unfair to him, so every once in a while he'll defer to me and I'll stop him and say "no, why don't you decide what's for dinner/what movie to see/ whether or not we should get  a new rabbit".
    Of course, the rabbit question is one he should always be the authority on because my answer is always "yes" and then we have too many rabbits ...

    short+sassycharlotte989875VarunaTT
  • Dear Prudence,

    My partner and I are extremely communicative, and we are always looking to improve in our relationship. It’s relatively new, and while we have faced several challenges, we are dedicated to learning as much as we can together. I am noticing that, due to his codependent tendencies, he likes to run all decisions past me for approval. 

    This stuck out to me a lot. It seems like LW is deluding themselves into believing that they actually are "extremely communicative" in their relationship if they can't communicate this very simple issue with their partner. Especially as LW has said that they've already faced several challenges, in a relatively new relationship. 

    Also, and maybe it's just me, but unless there is a realllllly strong pull of "this person is the one," it being a new relationship and this being a thing with the partner not being able to make their own decisions has me like "nope." For me this is a big red flag I'm just not going to do anything resembling parenting another adult again, been there and done that. 
    That stuck out to me too. It would be one thing if, like @mrsconn23 said, it was an established relationship that you were now working on but this just seems like they are confusing talking with communicating. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also they’re relatively new but they’ve somehow faced several challenges together? What kind of challenges? Are we talking the relationship kind, or “we got together and two months later he lost his job” kind of challenges? Inquiring minds want to know. 


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    missJeanLouisemoira_rose_stan
  • The mention of codependent tendencies is one that make a confirmation and either cut and run because of past experience she may be one to attract that type of personality.  OR, reinforce not running decisions past you that are NBD and set up the boundary for what to ask and not ask LW...

    This may be a "your spidey sense is sending a message, heed its advice!"...
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