Bonus: Do not take your daughter to this gathering.

mrsconn23

I was an unmarried teenager when I gave birth to my now 8-year-old daughter Mandy. I am now engaged to Peter, a wonderful man who loves me and adores Mandy. The issue is Peter’s parents. They don’t care for Mandy, and they don’t think much of me because I was in a position to give birth as an unwed teenager. They have lectured me a few times about premarital sex and the like. Christmas is coming up, and my future mother-in-law has informed me that she and her husband will not be buying presents for Mandy, and neither will Peter’s siblings. Mandy’s not entitled to presents, but since Peter’s family does a big Christmas get-together, Mandy will see a bunch of kids get presents while she does not. It’s hard to explain something like this to a kid. Peter’s pretty upset with his family, but they’re still his family, and ditching them would be incredibly painful for him, obviously. Do you have any advice?

moira_rose_stan

Ok, FUCK this. My dad's family (he's not my bio dad, he met and married my mother and adopted me when I was 1) treated my mother and I like this and that should have told me as a child that my father wouldn't stand up to my mother when he saw her mistreating me, considering he didn't stand up to his family when they mistreated her and I. This makes me sick.

I hope LW doesn't subject themselves or Mandy to this treatment. And I hope for LW's sake that Peter is having none of this. But the fact that LW doesn't mention that makes me feel that it's likely not the case. So, likely fuck Peter too.

Also, they *lectured* you about premarital sex in two thousand and nineteen. Wow.  

Edit: just re-read and saw that "Peter is pretty upset with his family but they're still his family." So I stand by my assessment of Peter. The family is using a child to punish their mother for not living their life in a way the family approves of, which is manipulative and ugly as shit. You think it will end there with just refusing to acknowledge her by leaving her out of receiving gifts that everyone else is receiving? I assure you that it won't. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I was an unmarried teenager when I gave birth to my now 8-year-old daughter Mandy. I am now engaged to Peter, a wonderful man who loves me and adores Mandy. The issue is Peter’s parents. They don’t care for Mandy, and they don’t think much of me because I was in a position to give birth as an unwed teenager. They have lectured me a few times about premarital sex and the like. Christmas is coming up, and my future mother-in-law has informed me that she and her husband will not be buying presents for Mandy, and neither will Peter’s siblings. Mandy’s not entitled to presents, but since Peter’s family does a big Christmas get-together, Mandy will see a bunch of kids get presents while she does not. It’s hard to explain something like this to a kid. Peter’s pretty upset with his family, but they’re still his family, and ditching them would be incredibly painful for him, obviously. Do you have any advice?

Wow.   Does the FMIL understand that Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of a savior born to a teenage mother? 

Quite frankly, I'd have A LOT of words for my FMIL if she pulled this and the first question I'd ask is, "Are you saying that it would have been better if I aborted my child?  Are you saying that my child deserves some kind of punishment due to how she was brought into this world?" 

And I'd give the woman a bible with post it notes that stick out highlighting how you can't be so religious and yet un Christian.

And frankly if I were the LW I'd say, "Since your future step daughter is going to witness this then I think we need to ensure that some very large gifts from you are opened in front of your mom if  you insist on this charade." 

kvruns

Yikes, I'd be sending FI alone to this gathering and telling him to sort things out with his family if he wants us to keep going. If LW still wants to go to this then I hope they will bring some gifts for the daughter to open so she doesn't feel left out. 

VarunaTT

Fuck those ILs.  I'm tired of people pulling shit like this and either not getting called out or not experiencing any consequences.  I get that Peter is hurt, but he's creating a new family over here and if his old family doesn't want to get the hell on board, he needs to tell them to fuck right off and he won't be attending their judgey AF Christmas.

If I was Peter, I'd be talking to my siblings and finding out their thoughts and feelings about this straight from them, and depending on what the siblings are saying, decide how they'll be treated too.  If I were LW, Peter better be picking me and my question would be, "how to best support my future spouse through this trying time for him."

You don't get to do this to people, no matter their age.  LW did nothing wrong, it sounds like she pulled her life together and is on track.  Additionally, we don't punish children for the perceived "sins" of their parents.

levioosa

Holy shit. I don’t think I could keep seeing someone who was even okay going to a gathering like this. 

banana468

VarunaTT said:

Fuck those ILs.  I'm tired of people pulling shit like this and either not getting called out or not experiencing any consequences.  I get that Peter is hurt, but he's creating a new family over here and if his old family doesn't want to get the hell on board, he needs to tell them to fuck right off and he won't be attending their judgey AF Christmas.

If I was Peter, I'd be talking to my siblings and finding out their thoughts and feelings about this straight from them, and depending on what the siblings are saying, decide how they'll be treated too.  If I were LW, Peter better be picking me and my question would be, "how to best support my future spouse through this trying time for him."

You don't get to do this to people, no matter their age.  LW did nothing wrong, it sounds like she pulled her life together and is on track.  Additionally, we don't punish children for the perceived "sins" of their parents.

This is why I'm seriously on the fence with the plans.   

MIL tells me that her MIL and FIL would often take in teenage or unwed pregnant moms to help them on their feet while expecting.   I think it was arranged through the local parish and they did it because they wanted to show the moms that this was a way to love the mom, show her that the baby is wanted in this world and help her on her feet.

Flash forward decades later and DH's cousin is expecting and not married and it hits the fan.  People commented about whether they could "love the baby" and if they would buy any new presents for the baby or if it would be hand-me-down city.   My own FIL and MIL were furious saying they were so Catholic they weren't Christian.   

As someone who is pro life, I cannot stand the approach of this LW's family.   If we want to reduce the # of abortions then expectant mothers need support (emotional, financial and otherwise) to reinforce that all babies deserve not to just be born but to THRIVE.     

climbingsingle

Holy fuck. I'd be boycotting that Xmas event, and every other event at the in-laws. 

STARMOON44

Yes don’t go, insist Peter not go, and if he refuses break up with him because turns out he doesn’t think of your daughter as his own. 

MissKittyDanger

I would just not go. You don't want to include my child that your son has? Nope. Not subjecting my kid to that.

Things happen. Doesn't matter the age, or situation. The child is clearly loved by the mother. No mention of the bio dad, so I'm oddly curious on that.

Urg people who do this are just rude

mrsconn23

I think if Peter wants to still be around his family after his mother lectured his future wife about premarital sex, shuns his future stepchild, AND is OK with Mandy being left out of the Christmas celebration (because attending would signal that on some level that it's OK), LW needs to DTMFA.  No matter how nice he is and kind he is to Mandy, this will not get better if he feels he's in the middle of his wife/child and family of origin and tries to appease his family even though they are behaving terribly.   This will not stop with this one event.  

I've been in a situation where DH's cousin showed up with his stepkids at Christmas, and we did not know they were coming, in the middle of our kids opening presents and I felt horrible I had nothing for them to open.  I don't even like these kids or DH's cousin that much, but it was fucking Christmas and they are kids. I cannot even fathom doing that consciously to a child. 

CharmedPam

I agree, LW, stay home and watch disney plus christmas movies with Mandy.  FI can go solo.

downtondiva

These in-laws sound horrible! LW and Mandy shouldn't be subjected to a family gathering where Mandy is treated so differently from the other kids. If I were LW, I wouldn't go, and I'd strongly discourage Peter from going as well.

I am concerned that Peter doesn't seem to be doing much, or anything, to stand up for LW or Mandy. I understand he's in an awkward position, but LW and Mandy are his family now too, and he should insist that his parents and siblings show them respect. If he can't or won't do that, LW needs to consider whether they are really ready for marriage and if she wants to continue a relationship at all with someone who claims to love her and her daughter but will allow them to be treated poorly.

MesmrEwe

LW & DD need to opt out of that event.  Done, period, full stop.  No gifts while all of the other kids the same age get to unwrap a slew of gifts, yea, NOPE!  

I guess the balance question is whether the courtship and engagement are new-new such that the date isn't necessarily set in stone yet.  There are some balance points, but when it's officially there's an engagement ring there, the soon to be step-child is part of the package and they get gifts just like the rest of the kids do!

charlotte989875

Nope. Don’t go. And I’d side eye the hell out of Peter if he decides to go. What his family is doing is atrocious and passively condoning by attending is terrible too. 

short+sassy

To play a tiny bit of Devil's Advocate.  The ILs don't consider the LW and her daughter "family" and don't approve of the LW.  It's awful and atrocious, yes, but it is how they feel.  So let me circle to my next point.

Soooo, have they never given Christmas gifts to non-family members?  Really?  Never?  Of course not.  So what the ever-loving f**k is their PROBLEM with giving a Christmas gift to a child who will spending Christmas at their house?  AT.THEIR.HOUSE.SMH.

For example, my H and I were invited to another couple's house for a late afternoon/evening game night on Christmas a few years ago.  They have two small children.  I wouldn't normally have bought their kids Christmas presents.  But, since we were going to be there on Christmas, I did.  Because that's what normal people usually do.  They weren't anything major or expensive.  But it's just fun to open presents, especially for kids.

banana468

short+sassy said:

To play a tiny bit of Devil's Advocate.  The ILs don't consider the LW and her daughter "family" and don't approve of the LW.  It's awful and atrocious, yes, but it is how they feel.  So let me circle to my next point.

Soooo, have they never given Christmas gifts to non-family members?  Really?  Never?  Of course not.  So what the ever-loving f**k is their PROBLEM with giving a Christmas gift to a child who will spending Christmas at their house?  AT.THEIR.HOUSE.SMH.

For example, my H and I were invited to another couple's house for a late afternoon/evening game night on Christmas a few years ago.  They have two small children.  I wouldn't normally have bought their kids Christmas presents.  But, since we were going to be there on Christmas, I did.  Because that's what normal people usually do.  They weren't anything major or expensive.  But it's just fun to open presents, especially for kids.

Right.   This FMIL isn't doing anything remotely Christian.  It's spiteful and vindictive.

kvruns

somewhat related to some of the comments, we go to my H's extended family Christmas gathering every year (it's usually between Christmas and New Years). It is his mom's first cousins who all host (his mom passed away and she was an only child so he's the representative of this side of the extended family). Outside of us everyone there is more closely related aunt/uncle/cousin so they all exchange presents with each other since they treat it as their family Christmas. It is kind of awkward for us since we don't have that same closeness to anyone else there, we're basically the randos that see them once a year and that's it. Of course no one treats us like that and one of the people there always gets baby B a small present which is super thoughtful especially since we aren't exchanging gifts with any of these people.