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knottiedeac1c63ca13f7d4

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missJeanLouise

knottiedeac1c63ca13f7d4 said:

Having a destination wedding in Europe and discussed this idea with my best friend for years before the official engagement.  He was 110% on board and said there is no way he would miss it.  I said good, because money was not an issue and we would help financially if needed.  However, felt the vibe in the back of my mind that he would bail after the engagement. 

Since getting close to my fiancé and having a baby years prior, I felt like this friend was distancing himself, though he swore I was wrong.  When we moved states, I offered a free trip to see us.  He bailed at the last second and I found out from someone else.  There was no excuse at the time.  Didn’t talk to him for a year.  

He promised he would come to this wedding though, and would not miss it for anything.
Cut to a year into the engagement and once again, I track him down and he is bailing.  No reason given.  Just, he can’t make it work.  

There was some pointless back and forth via text.  I did air out a small fraction of things and I know I am being somewhat selfish, but if I am not even worth a free trip to Europe, this friendship is nothing.  It felt like the last straw.  What hurts most is the lead on and lack of transparency about his doubts for months.  I know it is a tough trip, but he already bailed when I tried to get him out to see us before and it feels pretty one sided to be the only one calling or traveling.  17 year friendship down the drain.  I’m too tired for it.  

Unfortunately, this is just the way friendships go sometimes. It is hard to maintain especially with so many major life changes (new relationship, baby, move, etc). I know it sucks but try not to let this disappointment taint your other wonderful memories. 

charlotte989875

If your are ready to end the friendship, just let it go. If you’re too tired, or feel like you’re the only one putting in the work then do what you need to. 

I do think it’s unfair to hold people to agreeing to travel to a DW, especially one in Europe (assuming you’re in the US/Canada). It’s not just the cost, it’s the travel the time away from family/work. You say you understand it’s a tough trip, but then dismiss that. It is sad when close friends have to miss major life events, but when it’s a DW I think you need to be prepared for that. Many people are just not comfortable accepting a free trip from someone one else, or they can’t make the timing work, or are just not okay with that type of travel, and I think you need to truly be okay with that.

if you want to end the friendship for other reasons, that’s up to you, but I think basing it solely on missing a DW is a little unfair. 

climbingsingle

charlotte989875 said:

If your are ready to end the friendship, just let it go. If you’re too tired, or feel like you’re the only one putting in the work then do what you need to. 

I do think it’s unfair to hold people to agreeing to travel to a DW, especially one in Europe (assuming you’re in the US/Canada). It’s not just the cost, it’s the travel the time away from family/work. You say you understand it’s a tough trip, but then dismiss that. It is sad when close friends have to miss major life events, but when it’s a DW I think you need to be prepared for that. Many people are just not comfortable accepting a free trip from someone one else, or they can’t make the timing work, or are just not okay with that type of travel, and I think you need to truly be okay with that.

if you want to end the friendship for other reasons, that’s up to you, but I think basing it solely on missing a DW is a little unfair. 

I have to agree with this. But also, your friend was on board "years ago", before you were even engaged? And at the time, you had a feeling he would bail? How can you be so surprised then, when you knew years ago he wouldn't hold true? 

short+sassy

A DW is a LOT to ask from people.  Even if you are paying for the airfare/hotel.  Maybe this person really doesn't like to travel.  Maybe they aren't comfortable with you paying for their trips.  I agree it wasn't the right thing to do to bail on the previous trip to visit you at the last minute.  But not talking to them for a year because of that sounds a bit harsh.  I would think between not speaking to each other for a year (albeit in the past) and the fact that you all no longer live near each other means this is no longer the close friendship that it once was.  And that's okay!  Friendships evolve over time, which includes sometimes becoming more distant.

Take your DW out of it and evaluate your friendship from there.  If you feel you are always the one "giving/initiating contact" and they aren't doing that in return, then reset your expectations and efforts.  It's fine to end the friendship if that is what you feel is right for you.  But it doesn't need to be that drastic either.

It is possible they do not want to travel to Europe for your wedding and/or aren't comfortable with you paying for it because they don't feel that close to you anymore.  And, while I understand that's hurtful, it doesn't mean they don't still care about you.  I agree they should have expressed more doubt in the last year about if they can go, but that may have been a hard conversation for them to have had with you.

However it shakes out, don't feel like it's a "17-year friendship down the drain".  It isn't.  It's a 17-year friendship that changed.  But that shouldn't take away from the good times and closeness that you all once shared.

OliveOilsMom

Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes they just completely dissolve.  It's no one's fault sometimes, you just drift apart.  I think its also really unfair to hold attending a destination wedding over someone's head years before you are even engaged!  Some people will not fly ever or some people have trouble accepting such large gifts from others.  Your friend could be either of them.  Does it suck that he flaked out on visiting you after he promised?  Yes - that was really crappy. 

But, honestly, it sounds like this friendship has long run its course.  It has been over for sometime and you are mad now that your former BFF, who you had to track down, will not attend your DW.

Think about how silly that sounds when you take all the emotion out of it or apply it to another person's situation.

levioosa

Agree with PPs. A DW is a lot to ask from anyone, even if you’re covering costs. Evaluate the friendship separately from the wedding (which, I hope is valid and legal considering most of Europe has strict residency requirements. It would simply be too much to ask people to pay and travel to watch a play). 

VarunaTT

knottiedeac1c63ca13f7d4 said:

Having a destination wedding in Europe and discussed this idea with my best friend for years before the official engagement.  He was 110% on board and said there is no way he would miss it.  I said good, because money was not an issue and we would help financially if needed.  However, felt the vibe in the back of my mind that he would bail after the engagement. 

Since getting close to my fiancé and having a baby years prior, I felt like this friend was distancing himself, though he swore I was wrong.  When we moved states, I offered a free trip to see us.  He bailed at the last second and I found out from someone else.  There was no excuse at the time.  Didn’t talk to him for a year.  

He promised he would come to this wedding though, and would not miss it for anything.
Cut to a year into the engagement and once again, I track him down and he is bailing.  No reason given.  Just, he can’t make it work.  

There was some pointless back and forth via text.  I did air out a small fraction of things and I know I am being somewhat selfish, but if I am not even worth a free trip to Europe, this friendship is nothing.  It felt like the last straw.  What hurts most is the lead on and lack of transparency about his doubts for months.  I know it is a tough trip, but he already bailed when I tried to get him out to see us before and it feels pretty one sided to be the only one calling or traveling.  17 year friendship down the drain.  I’m too tired for it.  

I'm trying not to read too much into this, but honestly, it sounds like you only call him when you want something from him.  Even if you're offering to pay for the something, what are you doing to keep the friendship alive in between?  Do you ask him about himself when you call or is it just "me, Me, ME"? 

If you want to let the friendship go, go ahead.  All I can say is sometimes my BFF and I talk through voicemails and texts, b/c it's what we got for 2 adults, one in the service industry and in in the 8-5 industry, and it's not very often.  But we sure as hell talk each other's faces off about our lives and each other when we can.

downtondiva

Honestly, I wouldn't hold anyone to anything they say about a wedding until one is actively being planned (that goes for those planning the wedding and the potential guests of said wedding). You really can't say for sure what the wedding is going to be or whether you will be able to be there until all the financial and practical realities are on the table and being dealt with. I think this is especially true of destination weddings. They are very expensive to attend and require taking time off from work and other commitments, and if you're going to have one, you need to be okay with the fact that not everyone will be able to make it, even people to whom you are close.

That being said, it also sounds like there are a lot of other issues in this friendship and have been for a while. You said yourself that you always had a feeling that this friend wouldn't actually attend your DW no matter how often he said they would. And he's already bailed on a trip to visit you without directly telling you he wasn't coming or explaining why. You went a whole year without talking after that, and I suspect that you guys never cleared the air over that incident either. Obviously there are some major communication issues here, and you consider him to be unreliable. It seems to me that you guys have grown apart, and you are trying to hold on to something that he isn't interested in keeping together. Wedding or no wedding, I think it's time to let this friendship go and move on.

MesmrEwe

It sounds like he was the guy that was too socially awkward to actually ask you out even though he liked you a lot and now you're moving on with life and he's making the conscious choice to step back because either you didn't know he liked you, just assumed, or you just didn't like him that way or he feels it's his job to create the boundary so that your FI never feels like there's another man in your life.  

Just allow things to ebb and flow, growing apart doesn't mean the friendship has ended-ended.  I've got a lot of friends that we are just busy with life and message once in a while (not a one-sided, more of a doesn't matter who initiates the conversation keep in touch confidant type thing) and only see eachother in-person every few years, it's just our personalities are that way, when we get together it's nothing but love!

Also, it's o.k. for you to feel bummed that he won't be there!  Your feelings are your feelings.  Life happens whether your wedding is a DW or local, there will be people you really wanted there who can't make it or attend for any number of reasons from work to they just don't want to go.  And that's o.k. too!  Those are the moments that have the "pity party for one" with a delicious cupcake and beverage, then the move forward.  It's not worth ending the friendship over not being able to attend..

MyNameIsNot

MesmrEwe said:

It sounds like he was the guy that was too socially awkward to actually ask you out even though he liked you a lot and now you're moving on with life and he's making the conscious choice to step back because either you didn't know he liked you, just assumed, or you just didn't like him that way or he feels it's his job to create the boundary so that your FI never feels like there's another man in your life.  

Just allow things to ebb and flow, growing apart doesn't mean the friendship has ended-ended.  I've got a lot of friends that we are just busy with life and message once in a while (not a one-sided, more of a doesn't matter who initiates the conversation keep in touch confidant type thing) and only see eachother in-person every few years, it's just our personalities are that way, when we get together it's nothing but love!

Also, it's o.k. for you to feel bummed that he won't be there!  Your feelings are your feelings.  Life happens whether your wedding is a DW or local, there will be people you really wanted there who can't make it or attend for any number of reasons from work to they just don't want to go.  And that's o.k. too!  Those are the moments that have the "pity party for one" with a delicious cupcake and beverage, then the move forward.  It's not worth ending the friendship over not being able to attend..

Seriously? There is absolutely nothing to suggest that this friend ever had any romantic feelings toward OP. Assuming OP is a woman, the notion that a man and woman can't be friends unless the man secretly wants to sleep with her is so gross and sexist. 

OP, I agree with other PPs. Ending a friendship solely over a missed DW is a lot. Even excluding the travel costs, a trip to Europe is a big deal: passport, potential visa, time away from work/family/other obligations, long (often uncomfortable) flight, etc. It may be that after several years of drifting apart, he doesn't feel close enough to accept a lavish gift, or doesn't feel close enough to share reasons not to travel. Take the wedding out if it. If it weren't for this DW in Europe, would you be insisting that this friendship is dead, or would you be willing to accept it for the more distant friendship that it's become? 

climbingsingle

MesmrEwe said:

It sounds like he was the guy that was too socially awkward to actually ask you out even though he liked you a lot and now you're moving on with life and he's making the conscious choice to step back because either you didn't know he liked you, just assumed, or you just didn't like him that way or he feels it's his job to create the boundary so that your FI never feels like there's another man in your life.  

WTH? Where are you getting any of this from what she posted?