Wedding Woes

Re: 1

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If your are ready to end the friendship, just let it go. If you’re too tired, or feel like you’re the only one putting in the work then do what you need to. 

    I do think it’s unfair to hold people to agreeing to travel to a DW, especially one in Europe (assuming you’re in the US/Canada). It’s not just the cost, it’s the travel the time away from family/work. You say you understand it’s a tough trip, but then dismiss that. It is sad when close friends have to miss major life events, but when it’s a DW I think you need to be prepared for that. Many people are just not comfortable accepting a free trip from someone one else, or they can’t make the timing work, or are just not okay with that type of travel, and I think you need to truly be okay with that.

    if you want to end the friendship for other reasons, that’s up to you, but I think basing it solely on missing a DW is a little unfair. 
    I have to agree with this. But also, your friend was on board "years ago", before you were even engaged? And at the time, you had a feeling he would bail? How can you be so surprised then, when you knew years ago he wouldn't hold true? 
    mrsconn23ei34
  • A DW is a LOT to ask from people.  Even if you are paying for the airfare/hotel.  Maybe this person really doesn't like to travel.  Maybe they aren't comfortable with you paying for their trips.  I agree it wasn't the right thing to do to bail on the previous trip to visit you at the last minute.  But not talking to them for a year because of that sounds a bit harsh.  I would think between not speaking to each other for a year (albeit in the past) and the fact that you all no longer live near each other means this is no longer the close friendship that it once was.  And that's okay!  Friendships evolve over time, which includes sometimes becoming more distant.

    Take your DW out of it and evaluate your friendship from there.  If you feel you are always the one "giving/initiating contact" and they aren't doing that in return, then reset your expectations and efforts.  It's fine to end the friendship if that is what you feel is right for you.  But it doesn't need to be that drastic either.

    It is possible they do not want to travel to Europe for your wedding and/or aren't comfortable with you paying for it because they don't feel that close to you anymore.  And, while I understand that's hurtful, it doesn't mean they don't still care about you.  I agree they should have expressed more doubt in the last year about if they can go, but that may have been a hard conversation for them to have had with you.

    However it shakes out, don't feel like it's a "17-year friendship down the drain".  It isn't.  It's a 17-year friendship that changed.  But that shouldn't take away from the good times and closeness that you all once shared.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OliveOilsMomcharlotte989875ei34kerbohl
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Friendships ebb and flow and sometimes they just completely dissolve.  It's no one's fault sometimes, you just drift apart.  I think its also really unfair to hold attending a destination wedding over someone's head years before you are even engaged!  Some people will not fly ever or some people have trouble accepting such large gifts from others.  Your friend could be either of them.  Does it suck that he flaked out on visiting you after he promised?  Yes - that was really crappy. 

    But, honestly, it sounds like this friendship has long run its course.  It has been over for sometime and you are mad now that your former BFF, who you had to track down, will not attend your DW.

    Think about how silly that sounds when you take all the emotion out of it or apply it to another person's situation.
    charlotte989875short+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs. A DW is a lot to ask from anyone, even if you’re covering costs. Evaluate the friendship separately from the wedding (which, I hope is valid and legal considering most of Europe has strict residency requirements. It would simply be too much to ask people to pay and travel to watch a play). 


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  • Honestly, I wouldn't hold anyone to anything they say about a wedding until one is actively being planned (that goes for those planning the wedding and the potential guests of said wedding). You really can't say for sure what the wedding is going to be or whether you will be able to be there until all the financial and practical realities are on the table and being dealt with. I think this is especially true of destination weddings. They are very expensive to attend and require taking time off from work and other commitments, and if you're going to have one, you need to be okay with the fact that not everyone will be able to make it, even people to whom you are close.

    That being said, it also sounds like there are a lot of other issues in this friendship and have been for a while. You said yourself that you always had a feeling that this friend wouldn't actually attend your DW no matter how often he said they would. And he's already bailed on a trip to visit you without directly telling you he wasn't coming or explaining why. You went a whole year without talking after that, and I suspect that you guys never cleared the air over that incident either. Obviously there are some major communication issues here, and you consider him to be unreliable. It seems to me that you guys have grown apart, and you are trying to hold on to something that he isn't interested in keeping together. Wedding or no wedding, I think it's time to let this friendship go and move on.
    image
  • It sounds like he was the guy that was too socially awkward to actually ask you out even though he liked you a lot and now you're moving on with life and he's making the conscious choice to step back because either you didn't know he liked you, just assumed, or you just didn't like him that way or he feels it's his job to create the boundary so that your FI never feels like there's another man in your life.  

    Just allow things to ebb and flow, growing apart doesn't mean the friendship has ended-ended.  I've got a lot of friends that we are just busy with life and message once in a while (not a one-sided, more of a doesn't matter who initiates the conversation keep in touch confidant type thing) and only see eachother in-person every few years, it's just our personalities are that way, when we get together it's nothing but love!

    Also, it's o.k. for you to feel bummed that he won't be there!  Your feelings are your feelings.  Life happens whether your wedding is a DW or local, there will be people you really wanted there who can't make it or attend for any number of reasons from work to they just don't want to go.  And that's o.k. too!  Those are the moments that have the "pity party for one" with a delicious cupcake and beverage, then the move forward.  It's not worth ending the friendship over not being able to attend..
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MesmrEwe said:
    It sounds like he was the guy that was too socially awkward to actually ask you out even though he liked you a lot and now you're moving on with life and he's making the conscious choice to step back because either you didn't know he liked you, just assumed, or you just didn't like him that way or he feels it's his job to create the boundary so that your FI never feels like there's another man in your life.  


    WTH? Where are you getting any of this from what she posted? 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomsparklepants41
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