Wedding Woes

You're wrong and condescending.

Dear Prudence,

My partner is very competitive when it comes to gameplay, whereas I am the opposite and play for fun, never expecting to win nor caring about the final score. There have been times when I happen to be performing better than usual in a game, and my partner worse than usual, so our scores are close. In those instances, I sometimes make choices that will allow them to win (think playing a low-scoring word in Scrabble when I have the letters to play a higher-scoring word). On one occasion they called me out on this. I denied it, saying that I’m just not as good as they are, which is generally true. I truly thought I was doing them a kindness, allowing a person who is invested in winning to have that experience, but is this somehow insulting or disrespectful? I get nothing out of the experience of “winning,” so I thought it made sense to let someone who is invested in the competitive aspect have their moment. It’s not like I pretended not to know the rules or treated them like a child. I’m just choosing to not take advantage of occasional random luck that would allow me to beat my partner at the odd round of whatever board game.

—Let Them Win?

Re: You're wrong and condescending.

  • If your partner sees through what you are doing then you aren't helping anyone.

    Also, there's a difference between not caring who wins and not competing at all.   If you feel like there's no level playing field then there's really no game to be had.  
  • When people find out you "let them win" in a game, it's generally not appreciated. It makes them feel stupid and looked down on, and with good reason. If you and your partner are on such different wavelengths when it comes to gameplay, maybe it would be best to put the board games aside for a while and find other activities to enjoy together.
  • edited January 9
    Knowing they're invested would make me want to win more - out of sheer spite.

    LW is not doing them a favour on letting them win. This is like the game version of "dumbing yourself down for a guy"
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The 2 out of probably 200 times that I beat H at when we've been bowling, I always tell him he let me win!   

    But LW is doing no favors to anyone.  Play that damn high scored word!  And if their SO gets moody or has any other long term negative response to LOSING A GAME, then LW needs to self-reflect if that is a quality they want to be with long term.  Does LW really let the SO win because they are competitive or does LW let SO win because the way they are treated afterwards is too much to deal with?
  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    for me it depends on how the SO reacts when losing (or winning). Is SO a complete butthead after losing to where it ruins the rest of the night? Obviously that screams of a bigger issue with SO if that is the case but I could see LW feeling like it wasn't worth the grumpiness afterwards and letting SO win. 

    It also makes me think of younger years when I've seen females I know pretend to be dumb or not be as good at something in front of a guy they were interested in/dating as if being dumb or helpless was endearing. Not sure if that is at play here too idk 
  • I LOVE Scrabble and now I have to tell stories, lol.  Word games are something I especially excel in.  I have no mercy.  I will have a score that laps my opponent 4x over and will still be excited to use all my tiles for the 50 point bonus, across one of the triple word boxes on an outer line.  So I am especially horrified at the LW.  Blasphemy!  Lol.

    Seriously, though.  It defeats a purpose of the game to throw it and it is condescending for a few reasons.  Even if the person's intentions are good.

    I went on a date with this guy back in my single days.  It was at a coffee shop.  Things were going well, seemed like we'd really hit it off, and we'd been chit-chatting for about an hour.  We were even already talking about what we wanted to do for our next date.  The shop had games and he mentioned how much he liked Scrabble, but most of his friends found it boring.  OMG, I like Scrabble!  Squee!  We were both excited that we both had a love for Scrabble.  Something else in common.  If we'd been cartoon characters, there would have been floating hearts and birds chirping around our heads.

    So we dive into a game.  He warns me ahead of time that he's really, really good and people rarely beat him, so I shouldn't feel bad if I lose.  I tell him something like, "No worries!  I'm not a sore loser.  But I'm pretty good myself and I think I'll give you a run for your money."

    I beat him soundly the first game.  Initially, it was nice because he was excited about that and really impressed.  I knew I'd gone up even a couple more notches, in his eyes.

    I beat him soundly the second game.  Much less excitement on his part.  More of a slightly shocked, but genial "good game" attitude.  With I think a touch of dawning realization on his part that, I didn't win the first game with luck and skill...I won it with just skill.  He begged me for one more game.  He laughed that he had to try to redeem himself.  I told him sure, but it needed to be the last one because it was getting late.

    I beat him soundly the third game.  He was trying to hide it, but he was upset.  Totally killed the mood.  The cartoon hearts had floated away and disappeared.  The cartoon chirping birds had flown off.  We walked out to our cars and he gave me one of those polite and formal, "Thanks for coming out.  It was really nice to meet you."  NO mention of going out again or even calling me.

    Apparently even my long, flaxen* hair, big boobs, and witty conversation could not overcome his butt-hurt at losing three games of Scrabble.  Your loss, buddy, lol.

    *oohh, flaxen!  Good Scrabble word.  lmao.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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