Wedding Woes

You've gone a long way to make this about you.

Dear Prudence,

A few years ago in college, I set my friend “James” up on a date with my friend “Erica.” They dated casually for a few months, then broke up. I fell out of touch with James after graduation and chat once or twice a year with Erica. Recently, I heard from someone else that James was in prison and confirmed it with a quick Google search. He’s serving a significant sentence and will be on the sex-offender registry for life. Not saying something to Erica about this feels like a lie of omission. On the other hand, she’s very sensitive and tender-hearted, and I’m worried she’ll be disturbed or even blame herself for not seeing signs that James could be dangerous. I also feel guilty for setting them up in the first place, even though I thought James was sweet when I knew him. Erica lives in another state and isn’t likely to hear this from anyone else. Should I tell her? If so, how? Wait until we see each other again, or send her an email? How culpable am I for trusting my friend’s safety to a person who turned out to be capable of monstrous things? Do I owe Erica an apology?

—Sex-Offender Ex

Re: You've gone a long way to make this about you.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OMFG, let it go. She doesn't need to know. She probably doesn't want to know. 

    On the off chance that this person who you barely maintain a relationship with asks you if you know what ever happened to some guy she dated for 5 minutes in college, tell her what you heard. Otherwise, get a hobby. 
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMomSTARMOON44
  • I want to empathize with LW's guilt, but damn.  Leave everyone alone, LW.
    mrsconn23banana468OliveOilsMom
  • You didn't know James was going to turn out to be a sex offender. Erica dated this guy casually for a few months several years ago and probably hasn't given him much thought since then. Stop obsessing and leave it alone.
    image
    mrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • If you REALLY feel the need to tell Erica then do it when you two wind up in a mutual conversation that has nothing to do with this.   Don't pick up the phone to tell her but you can say, "Hey remember that guy I set you up with years ago?  I found out he's actually in prison now." 

    You didn't keep a secret for James.   Let it go.
    short+sassy
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW is a gossipy gossiper who must GOSSIP! 

    LW can feel her sadness, embarrassment or whatever feeling over setting her friend up with someone who ended up doing something bad, but there is no need to bring up anything.  If James was a sweet guy, like LW said, then LW should also give themselves a pass on this.
    short+sassy
  • I feel the empathy and honestly I would be conflicted also but at the same time LW needs to just not
  • banana468 said:
    If you REALLY feel the need to tell Erica then do it when you two wind up in a mutual conversation that has nothing to do with this.   Don't pick up the phone to tell her but you can say, "Hey remember that guy I set you up with years ago?  I found out he's actually in prison now." 

    You didn't keep a secret for James.   Let it go.
    If I bothered mentioning it at all, this is how I would do it.  During one of our semi-regular conversations.  Which I'd guess probably have some catch-up of what other mutual college pals have been up to.

    But making it a special point to tell her would be odd.  Apologizing and pearl clutching over the long-ago introduction because the LW "didn't know" would also be odd.

    Though, honestly, if the LW is this cringed about...which I understand...it's probably best they just not even say anything to Erica, since she would probably feel the same way.  I can't fathom how this would be a lie of omission.  Because she didn't say something...to a friend she rarely talks to...about another mutual friend that neither one of them have been in touch with?  Geez, that's fine.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Omg stop being so drama hungry and move on with your life. 
  • Someone just LOVES their drama don't they?  I have known so many people like this.  There always has to be something dramatic going on in their lives.  They either create it or co-opt it, but they always make sure they are at the center of it.  They are exhausting and always cause me to run screaming into the night.

    short+sassyOliveOilsMom
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards