Wedding Invitations & Paper

RSVPS

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Re: RSVPS

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
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    I think that is early for a shower RSVP, but sure a month is ok. Are you planning on canceling the shower if you don't have a certain number of guests? Other than that, I don't see how the photographer's not giving a refund plays into it. Just for clarification, I hope you are hosting a shower for someone else and not yourself. Throwing a shower for your self is considered poor etiquette. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
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    Are you hosting your own shower? 

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    zujp said:
    I am having an I DO BBQ wedding shower on may 30th or June 27th. I am hiring a photographer and a tent rental is being done. So I need to have my final head count in for the tent and the photographer exactly 1 month before the party. Because the photographer will not give a full refund after the month deadline if we have to cancel. I was wondering if I choose june 27th for my party, and I send out RSVPS May 1st, is asking for a response back by May 25th an ok time frame?
    thanks for your help!  :)

    Sending out invitations the first of May for an end of June event is risky.  Even with a month lead, there is NO guarantee all your guests will respond by May 25th.  You may need to track down some responses, and you cannot begin that process until AFTER May 25th. 
    Renting a tent and a photographer implies a fairly large event.  I hope you have also considered other factors, such as restrooms, parking, and weather.  I am also hoping you meant to say you are HOSTING an I Do BBQ for a bride to be rather than HAVING one for yourself.
    charlotte989875
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
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    zujp said:
    ILOVEBEACHMUSIC
    i am not having the photographer if a lot don’t show up. That’s why I want a full refund. It may not be important to you but it is to me to get all my money back if I don’t keep the photographer. She wants a month notice so yes I want my guests to answer in that timeframe. Also you can read my posts my mom is hosting but etiquette isn’t even part of this generation anymore. Wedding traditions have changed so much over the years and many girls throw their own parties. Sorry not trying to be rude just times change nothing stays the same. Poor etiquette is out the window it’s 2020 women do anything now. If I was throwing my own people would understand that’s the way things get done now. Just saying I know many girls who threw their own & everyone went and had a great time! No one even asked who threw the shower. None of their business. But thanks for the response. I know a month out is risky but people already said they would be going to the shower since they can’t make the destination wedding. So it’s a risk I gotta take then! Thank yo

    STIB

    Actually etiquette is a thing even though it is 2020. You may not care about it but others may. I'm not going to argue with you, but etiquette is an important part of planning any event and etiquette includes more than who is hosting the event.
    charlotte989875Jen4948
  • I'm going to start off by saying that 
    -Etiquette is alive and well in 2020.   I'm 39 and think it matters.
    -It should matter to you too.   And unless it doesn't matter to any of your guests (which you can't prove and is doubtful anyway) you should foll ow it. 

    PLEASE don't call this a shower after the wedding.   It can be for guests invited to the wedding who couldn't make it but those invited to this event should not be people not on your DW guest list who didn't make the cut and it really shouldn't be a post-wedding gift giving event.

    If this is a post DW event then call it an at home reception.   Also, by doing that I think your mom will possibly get a guest head count that's more responsible with fewer questsions than if it were phrased as some kind of shower. 
    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusic
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
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    edited February 17
    Etiquette has not gone out the window in 2020. You are misinformed. 

    What your mother is hosting is not actually a wedding shower. A shower implies an event that takes place BEFORE the wedding, and is attended by your wedding guests. 

    You're having an event that is after your wedding, and I'm assuming will be attended by people not at your wedding. And, to make it worse, you're actually asking these people for gifts by calling it a "shower". 

    TACKY.  

    charlotte989875ILoveBeachMusicbanana468
  • If you call it a shower then you’re essentially throwing a gift-giving event meant to celebrate an event that none of the guests were invited to. I’d take ‘shower’ off all invitations and keep ‘I Do BBQ’ or call it a celebration of marriage party. It’s also confusing (not to mention rude) to your guests. I’d prioritize these types of events differently (celebration of marriage > shower depending on how close I am to the person), so be clear with your guests about what you’re inviting them to. 

    A month out is a little early to ask for RSVPs but probably fine. You may still have to track down responses. 

    Out of curiosity how many guests in attendance makes the photographer worth it? 
    ILoveBeachMusicclimbingwifebanana468Jen4948
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • Well, I obviously stand corrected.  Clearly this grown adult and her battle-fighting mother know more than the rest of us and our advice is not needed here @ILoveBeachMusic.  
    charlotte989875
  • Yikes; it seems like you all are going to do what you’re going to do regardless of what anyone says. There’s no etiquette police but curious what you think of any of your guests feel the way we do? 

    You think we’re being rude, but are you at all concerned your guests will think it’s rude to literally ask them for gifts to celebrate and event they were not invited to attend? 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    Everything old is new again!  I love this resurrection of the “old Knot” LOL. Can’t wait til I have time to actually comment.  Let the GIF’s begin :-)
    charlotte989875banana468ILoveBeachMusic
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
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    banana468 said:
    Well, I obviously stand corrected.  Clearly this grown adult and her battle-fighting mother know more than the rest of us and our advice is not needed here @ILoveBeachMusic.  
    Clearly! I just can't get past the expectation of gifts just because you are invited to the wedding. We shouldn't consider our guests and their needs/comfort because etiquette no longer exists. Obviously, I've been doing it wrong all along.
    charlotte989875banana468
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
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    TLDR. 

    This is some old school style drama, and I'm HERE for it. The OP wants us to believe she had her mother log on to scold us. Amazing. 

    Op/Mom - whoever. I 100% guarantee your guests are talking behind your back on how tacky and gift grabby you are being. They won't say it to your faces. 

    Also, newsflash. Not all of us had showers! I didn't feel the need to beg my guests for gifts. Imagine that! 

    charlotte989875MobKaz
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    I have reported all of you as well. You want to start drama on a wedding website when I asked about RSVPS. Got another thing coming.
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    zujp said:
    Well hello everyone! I am the bride to be’s mother. She told me how negative all of you are so I have some words.
    She IS having a SHOWER after the wedding. Etiquette is not around anymore. Whether you are 39 or 67. I am 64 years old and I am old school wanting her to be married in church but she’s choosing beach wedding and that’s how traditions have changed. So if you ladies want to critique what I’m choosing to do for my daughter then you need to back off. She simply asked about RSVPS not about critiquing a shower choice we have chosen together. I have cousins who have had after wedding showers when their kids got married in Vegas. Just because you women choose to have a shower beforehand because you strictly follow guidelines that is up to you. I am writing this on behalf of my daughter because she keeps questioning so much because all of you have no support for anyone besides what you guys just think is right. She is having an after the wedding, shower I do bbq because she is not having a traditional shower. Every woman has a bridal shower with gifts and I’m throwing my daughter one after the wedding so her and her new husband can get gifts and everyone that WE DID INVITE to the wedding that can’t make it, can have a chance to see their cousin and family member after she got married and if they want to bring a gift they can. It is a shower without a registry and BBQ meaning they can bring cash if they want or not.
    AND speaking of etiquette. When you get an invite to a wedding or shower. If you can make it or not it is by right to always send a gift to one or the other or both. Etiquette is not around in 2020 any longer. You need to wake up and realize the world is different.
    I stand by my daughter and agree having the shower and bbq AFTER the wedding is so much better then before. Our guests aren’t easily offended like you women seem to be. They understand they were all invited to the wedding (couldn’t afford it) and they are ALL invited to the shower BBQ so they know gifts are given at one or the other. Now there is nothing wrong with the way we are choosing to do it. If you have a problem that’s not our problem. We have chose this and my daughter only asked about RSVPS. I would appreciate the negativity to stop because this isn’t about putting her wish down and acting like she’s doing wrong. You are all wrong and etiquette is gone. Traditions are no longer. It’s 2020 please realize. Girls do their own showers all the time now. Girls can have showers after the wedding and have parties after the wedding and call it whatever they would like. My nephews wife also had a shower after the wedding. Saying a shower is perfectly fine, when a shower was not before hand. A SHOWER IS MEANT TO “SHOWER” THE COUPLE WITH GIFTS FOR THEIR NEW LIFE TOGETHER. No rule is stated in court that a shower MUST be before a wedding. They can be “showered” with gifts after or before. I would know, I work for a federal judge and see elopements and showers after the weddings. Keep opinions my daughter didn’t ask about, to your rude selves.

    to the last person who commented. The party is set for 103 people. We want a photographer since the wedding will be very small. My daughter and her future husband will be in their wedding attire and if they end up not having a photographer they want the 600.00 back in full. Which is perfectly acceptable. A month is far in advance to RSVP its just what the photographer and tent rental want. 
    “Poor etiquette is out the window it’s 2020”
    Actually, poor etiquette has always been out the window.  It’s done that way to keep the good etiquette IN.  
    So, if I understand correctly, you only want to ignore etiquette that no longer serves you.  You want to KEEP the etiquette that “claims” (falsely) that if you receive an invitation “IT IS BY RIGHT TO ALWAYS SEND A GIFT”. No one is ever ENTITLED to receive a gift for any reason.  
    Where you choose to marry, whether civil or religious, has NOTHING to do with etiquette.  
    If your daughter is old enough to marry, she is old enough to fight her own battles.  She chose to inquire on a wedding board about wedding etiquette.  Once you create a public post, anything if open to comment.  It is more than ironic and laughable that you seem to be OK to tell us that EVERYONE here is wrong, and you are here to “set us straight”.  But we’re the rude ones LOL
    Two or more wrongs do not make anything right.  Just because someone else chooses to be tacky, doesn’t mean it’s OK to trend tacky.  

    climbingwife
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    I'm going to start off by saying that 
    -Etiquette is alive and well in 2020.   I'm 39 and think it matters.
    -It should matter to you too.   And unless it doesn't matter to any of your guests (which you can't prove and is doubtful anyway) you should foll ow it. 

    PLEASE don't call this a shower after the wedding.   It can be for guests invited to the wedding who couldn't make it but those invited to this event should not be people not on your DW guest list who didn't make the cut and it really shouldn't be a post-wedding gift giving event.

    If this is a post DW event then call it an at home reception.   Also, by doing that I think your mom will possibly get a guest head count that's more responsible with fewer questsions than if it were phrased as some kind of shower. 
    I’m not arguing I just know etiquette is not alive and well. Some people follow it yes some dont. I know my guests don’t care when the party is. Or what it’s called. Or who hosts it. They don’t get nebby they just ask the date and that’s all.
    but we are calling it a I do bbq wedding shower after the wedding because even though we are married it’s still easier to have one after the wedding for us. showers are gift grabby before the wedding so they will be no matter when you have it. But I’m having no registry. 
    And please tell me where did I say that none of my guests that are invited to the shower are invited to my wedding?? I never did. I said all 103 guests were invited to both. But if you have a post wedding event people can bring gifts or not. It doesn’t matter. I’m not having a registry the way you prob did at your shower. So why did you have a shower and ask for gifts banana468??? Why were you gift grabby?

    she will get the same responsible responses because our guests know it’s a bbq shower. Idk how it’s confusing when it’s not a traditional shower. It’s a cookout type shower celebrating a marriage. The phrase I found is “shower the newlyweds in celebration of their marriage” before or after a wedding a shower is gifts given to the couple for their new life together. But since I have no registry then I ain’t grabby grabby after gifts.
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
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    This post is truly entertaining. Please, keep it coming. 

    charlotte989875MobKaz
  • zujpzujp member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited February 19
  • @zujp there are a few things that you are stating that are factually inaccurate and in other statements you appear to be confusing terms.

    A shower by definition is a gift-giving event.   Whether or not the guest(s) of honor have a registry is not what makes it a gift-giving event.   The point of the shower is to give gifts in honor of an event that is going to but has not yet taken place.   If you are already married when this event takes place it is by definition not a shower.   AND by naming it a shower it is also implying that gifts are to be given by virtue of its name. You can name it what you like and that won't make it factually accurate in what you call it.   You'll be married and therefore a more appropriate term is calling it a post-wedding event. 

    However the above is a discussion of semantics and within your sentences you are contradicting yourself either by misusing the terms or not understanding them.   Showers = pre-wedding gift-giving events.    Lack of registry doesn't change this.   Lack of marriage license is necessary here.  (Similarly a baby shower is given BEFORE the baby is born.   After the baby comes any baby-themed event has a different name.) 

    The point however is to treat guests well.    And that's where etiquette comes to play.   

    In another topic you mentioned that etiquette is not existing because there are same sex marriages or other changes that break from tradition.   Please do not confuse tradition for etiquette.   Tradition is the set of practices that may have been previously followed in your family, social circle or area.   It's tradition to carry a bouquet or wear a veil.   It is tradition for the FOB to walk the bride down the aisle.   Those are not to be confused with etiquette which is the social set of rules that are how you treat others in society.   By following proper etiquette you treat people well.  

    Ex: Traditionally a woman took her husband's last name and was then called Mrs. Hisfirstname His lastname on any formal correspondence addressed to her. 

    However women do not need to do this and the proper way to call a woman is by the name SHE wants to be called.   I am fine being Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname on social mail.    I have other friends who never took their spouse's last names and do not want to be called Mrs.   I call them what they want to be called because THAT is following proper etiquette - I'm treating them the way they want to be treated. 

    When I was married I ensured each guest was thanked formally and in writing.   That is proper etiquette.   Guests did not have to give me gifts but those who did were thanked promptly and in my handwriting because it's proper to recognize people for their efforts and treat them well.

    The same is at play here.   You're getting married.   You picked a destination wedding and you're inviting all your guests to the post wedding celebration for those not able to make it to your wedding.  Treat them properly please.    People appreciate it and those who don't may not say anything but I guarantee that they do talk about it and as you start off married life it's really best to treat those closest to you nicely.   It's about being kind, sociable and being a good person.   
    charlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
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    zujp said:
    This post is truly entertaining. Please, keep it coming. 
    Reported
     :D 
    Reported for what, exactly? You're actually the one flinging out personal attacks on posters here, which is against the TOS. 

    MairePoppy
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