Good friend, bad boyfriend.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My oldest friend, “Max,” is one of the most important people in my life. He’s the first person I felt safe coming out to (he’s a gay man, and I’m a gay woman), and he let me stay with him when my parents kicked me out. He was the best man at my wedding. He’s thoughtful, empathetic, and the most supportive friend imaginable. That’s why it’s so bewildering that he’s such an awful boyfriend. He treats the men he dates like trash. He cheated on his last boyfriend, a lovely guy named Sam, with Sam’s best friend. He’s described arguments with exes where he’s clearly been lying to and belittling them and gets very defensive when I’ve pointed that out.

Recently, he was talking to me about how lonely he is and said he’s sometimes jealous of my happy marriage. I told him he should stop cheating on and mistreating his partners. He got really upset, and we don’t often fight or even disagree. He left after saying I didn’t understand how hard it was to be single and that I obviously didn’t appreciate how hard his “difficult” relationships have been for him. Prudie, they are difficult because he treats his boyfriends like garbage. The last guy was absolutely lovely, and I almost wanted to warn him away after seeing how in love with Max he was. Max has since been in touch saying he’s sorry for snapping at me in our argument and wanting to meet up. I want to see him, but I don’t know if it’s time to really, seriously talk to him about the way he treats his boyfriends. I find it so jarring when he is such a good friend and seemingly great person in every part of his life, but it’s very hard to like him when he starts talking about the latest relationship he’s destroying. Should I say more? Just ask him to stop telling me about his dating life? It’s really damaging my opinion of him.

—Great Friend, Lousy Boyfriend

charlotte989875

I’d tell him exactly what you wrote “he’s a great friend and great person (and that you love & appreciate you friendship) but that it’s hard to watch his relationships because he seems so different in them”. Don’t judge or scold but offer your own observations. Let him talk about how he feels & why he acts the way he does. He may sincerely be interested in why he’s so lonely, but again this can be a hard thing to hear from someone else. 

banana468

What about an honest open talk to him? 

Instead of telling him that he treats people like garbage, if he's open to it, discuss the FACTS.  "Dude, when you were with Michael, you commented that you cheated on him.   Can you talk about why you did that?  You did that with Gary too.   And also with Felix.  Do you think that may be why these relationships aren't working?" 

This may be a person who is nice to you but he's either a dick or he has a self-sabotaging complex for some reason or another.   

downtondiva

At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist, I wonder if Max has some sort of commitment phobia and is subconsciously doing everything he can to ruin these romantic relationships. I'm curious as to whether he's such a good friend to other people, or only to LW for whatever reason. It just seems weird to me that a person could be such a good friend and such a bad boyfriend. 

Anyway, if this is bothering LW this much, I think she should say to Max exactly what she said to Prudie, that he's a great friend but it's tough seeing him so different with his boyfriends and therefore ending up alone. If he'll let her, she should back it up with the facts and her own observations. From there, he can either talk it out with LW productively or tell her to mind her own business. At that point, LW will have to decide if this is worth distancing herself from Max over, or if she should tell him that if he's going to keep doing the same thing over and over again, they can't talk about his love life anymore.

short+sassy

When the opportunity is there...like when he asks/says something...I'd continue to be honest with Max in a "constructive criticism" way.  While, at the same time, trying not to be judgmental.  However, if Max continually gets upset and doesn't want to hear the truth.  Then I'd just leave those conversations at, "I've already told you my opinion on where you are going wrong."

I found this letter interesting.  Except for the cheating part, I went out with the straight version of Max for almost a year in college.  His name was Jim.

Jim was also the only person I was ever friends with first, before we dated.  He was a GREAT friend!  To everyone.  Would you give you the shirt off his back.  Really caring and supportive person.  Life of the party.  Everybody loved him.

But behind closed doors, he was a totally different person.  He was usually depressed and in a bad mood.  He was degrading and emotionally abusive.  But was so clever about it too, because it was rarely something blatant/obvious like abject name-calling or yelling.  It was the proverbial death by 1,000 cuts.  The constant stream of criticism couched as "helpful advice", but never compliments.  And that is only one example.

We had a large group of mutual friends.  When we broke up, I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't think anyone would understand.  Or that maybe it was my imagination and I was being too "sensitive".  Coincidentally, I was coworkers with one of his good and close friends.  But I met her through him.  I didn't know her before we started going out and we became coworkers after that.  She came up to me, hugged me, and said something like, "OMG, Jenny!  I am so sorry you and Jim broke up.  But I have to say, I'm so glad you aren't with him anymore!  I hated the way he treated you.  I even distanced my friendship with him because I saw he wasn't the person I thought he was."   

flantastic

I have this friend. He's very good at many interpersonal things and very bad at being in a healthy relationship. He also realizes that it's because he has baggage, but I'm not entirely sure that he realizes that said baggage does not give him license to treat his SOs poorly.

His last long-term BF (actually our original friend, through whom we know this guy) said to him, "I feel like I shouldn't have to keep asking you not to sleep with other people."