Unwanted (3rd!) Engagement Party. Help!

angela874

Hello!

I'm looking for some advice. My fiancé and I got engaged in the summer. A couple months later our family (parents and siblings) threw us an intimate surprise engagement party at a restaurant which was really nice and thoughtful. A month or so after that our friends threw us a surprise engagement party with our closest friends which was great.  However now my fiancé's aunts on his mom's side want to throw ANOTHER engagement party 9 months after our engagement and just with his moms family (which is actually about 40 people). To give background my fiancé and I are having an intimate "elopement style" wedding with just parents and siblings. We very much prefer small groups and like to keep our circle small so it is not like he is close with these aunts. We feel really uncomfortable having a somewhat large engagement party thrown for us with people we aren't super close with. On top of this his family knows we do not like large gatherings especially when we are the centre of attention. We appreciate they want to celebrate us however it feels very forced on us considering we are not very close with them and aren't inviting anyone to the wedding. Our weekend time is also very limited right now as we are also moving and contracting our own house build so putting us on the spot for a celebration "for us" is a bit frustrating. It really feels like his moms family is not respecting our wishes when it comes to not wanting a big gathering full of people we are not close with. My question is how do you suggest to politely decline this? This isn't the first time they have forced family gatherings on us so we are really starting to get frustrated with it. The awkward part about it is my fiancé really feels he can't be himself around his family so its just a really uncomfortable atmosphere. 

-Angela

banana468

I think your FI HAS to be very clear.   He needs to pick up the phone and say, "Aunt Kathy I'm so touched that you're thinking of us.   We truly appreciate all the well wishes and desire for the party however we are going to have to decline that invitation.   We love all of you and do hope that we can get together to see everyone after August (name the month and not the date you're getting married) and we promise to share photos of the wedding when we return from the honeymoon." 

Be clear.   Offer no reason and just decline.   And don't tell them where and when you're actually getting married.

maine7mob

Your fiance needs to start right now putting your marriage above his family's wishes. It will set the tone for the rest of your lives together. He should tell those probably well-meaning, but pushy, aunts thanks so much for thinking of us, but we are unable to accept your gracious offer of a party. That's it. No reasons or explanations, because those invite counterarguments.

charlotte989875

It’s time your FI is super clear with his family. He needs to tell them while you both appreciate that they’re excited and want to celebrate with you but that you’re not comfortable having a large party in your honor, especially when these guests won’t be invited to the wedding. If they push he needs to push back and say thank you, but we won’t be having another engagement party and leave it at that. 

levioosa

Ditto PPs

MyNameIsNot

"That's so kind of you to offer, but we won't be able to take you up on that. How's cousin Sue's new job going?"

Jen4948

"Aunt Sally, thank you so much for the kind thought, but it isn't possible for us to be the honorees at this party." Your FI needs to repeat this as often as required until the message is received and processed.