Dealing with my child's dead name/gender.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My beautiful teenager is transitioning, female to male. I understand that a trans person’s birth name becomes “dead” to them. But how should I refer to him if discussing his childhood when he was female? I think he was as adorable then as he is now, but I recognize he may not remember his childhood so fondly. Kiddo is a people-pleaser, so I’m worried he’ll only tell me what he thinks I want to hear or that he won’t tell me if I’ve inadvertently hurt his feelings.

—How to Help

VarunaTT

Use correct name for all memories.  It actually will help LW making the transition to using the correct name and pronouns overall.  B/c your kiddo was [New Name and pronouns] all along...they just hadn't told you.  You lived with that person, you just didn't know them fully.

MissKittyDanger

Talk to the kid Explain your questioning about bringing up the past and how they want to be referred as - it may depend on who you're speaking to.

I'm thinking ensuring there's a community for LW's kid to help. I'm sure they aren't the only transitioning people pleaser and won't be the last.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

Use correct name for all memories.  It actually will help LW making the transition to using the correct name and pronouns overall.  B/c your kiddo was [New Name and pronouns] all along...they just hadn't told you.  You lived with that person, you just didn't know them fully.

I am glad you answered this previously when I asked! 

A friend is in the same position as the LW and I have ceased using the name that the child was given at birth to refer to evens that may have taken place 15 years ago.

downtondiva

When talking about your son's childhood, use the name and pronouns that he uses now. That's who he's really been all along, even if he didn't always know it, and it's important to respect that.

That said, I'm not sure how often or why you'd be discussing his childhood with people who don't already know him or his story. Trans or not, most teenagers don't really appreciate their parents talking about them as children!