Wedding Woes

Your mom sucks and moving away may be the best thing.

Dear Prudence,

My fiancée and I grew up in the same small city. We went to different high schools but attended the same college. My fiancée doesn’t have any living grandparents. My mother is very nosy and did some digging in my fiancée’s family. It turns out that her maternal grandmother is the sister of my paternal grandmother, making us second cousins. Everyone was mildly shocked by the connection, but my fiancée and I really don’t care. My mother is freaking out about the “incest” and has made “flipper baby” comments. My sisters have made “keeping it in the family” jokes, and it is very irritating. No matter how much I tell them to quit it, they won’t. My fiancée thinks they don’t like her and all this is a smoke screen. We have plans to move out of state so she can pursue her master’s. Is she right? How do I deal with my family?

—Not a Punchline

Re: Your mom sucks and moving away may be the best thing.

  • So wait, LWs grandmother and FI’s grandfather were brother and sister? Eh, that would weird me out a little. But if it doesn’t bother them then I guess go for it? 

    Mom sounds terrible and moving away is a great idea. 
  • What is it lately with family members just not respecting boundaries?!?!

    I'd draw a line.  "Please stop or I will be limiting communication with you moving forward.  I don't think this is funny (to sister) or a matter of your concern (to mother)."
    short+sassy
  • If you are insistent on getting married then talk to a genetic counselor rather than listen to your mom.   

    IF it's legal to do this (and I've never looked into it) then you can tell your mom to stop however if a genetic counselor has some feedback about this then please consider it. 


    charlotte989875
  • banana468 said:
    If you are insistent on getting married then talk to a genetic counselor rather than listen to your mom.   

    IF it's legal to do this (and I've never looked into it) then you can tell your mom to stop however if a genetic counselor has some feedback about this then please consider it. 


    It’s a hundred percent legal in every state in the US and genetically a non issue. 
    MyNameIsNot
  • banana468 said:
    If you are insistent on getting married then talk to a genetic counselor rather than listen to your mom.   

    IF it's legal to do this (and I've never looked into it) then you can tell your mom to stop however if a genetic counselor has some feedback about this then please consider it. 


    It’s a hundred percent legal in every state in the US and genetically a non issue. 
    OK fine.   I'll be honest that I never looked into the legality of marrying a 2nd cousin.

    That said, whether or not it's genetically a non-issue is really case dependent on each person.

    I'll cite the issue of BIL and SIL who last year found out that they're both recessive carriers of a gene and it results in a 25% chance of any child they conceive to have birth defects that mean that their child has an extremely high risk of miscarriage, stillbirth and will not live for more than days after birth if that.   Their daughter last year lived 32 minutes.   More and more genetic testing is finding that there can be concerns not for the 1st generation and not the 2nd but even the 3rd.   That's the point I am making here.

    charlotte989875
  • VarunaTT said:
    What is it lately with family members just not respecting boundaries?!?!

    I'd draw a line.  "Please stop or I will be limiting communication with you moving forward.  I don't think this is funny (to sister) or a matter of your concern (to mother)."
    Right!  Don't just tell them to stop.  Have consequences when they don't.  Hanging up the phone/stopping the text chain.  If in person, then leave.  I suspect it would only take doing that a few times and they'll stop.

    Like @STARMOON44 mentioned, genetically it is a non issue.  If the LW hasn't already, they should find a credible source/article that explains that and send it to their family.  JIC it's a concern the mother or sister have.

    Not that I've usually had that tactic work for me when someone is mistaken about "black and white" facts, lol.  But at least I've done my due diligence to show I'm giving correct information.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    STARMOON44
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    If you are insistent on getting married then talk to a genetic counselor rather than listen to your mom.   

    IF it's legal to do this (and I've never looked into it) then you can tell your mom to stop however if a genetic counselor has some feedback about this then please consider it. 


    It’s a hundred percent legal in every state in the US and genetically a non issue. 
    OK fine.   I'll be honest that I never looked into the legality of marrying a 2nd cousin.

    That said, whether or not it's genetically a non-issue is really case dependent on each person.

    I'll cite the issue of BIL and SIL who last year found out that they're both recessive carriers of a gene and it results in a 25% chance of any child they conceive to have birth defects that mean that their child has an extremely high risk of miscarriage, stillbirth and will not live for more than days after birth if that.   Their daughter last year lived 32 minutes.   More and more genetic testing is finding that there can be concerns not for the 1st generation and not the 2nd but even the 3rd.   That's the point I am making here.

    right but that has nothing to do with consanguinity or incest concerns. There’s no scientific reason why people with this level of remove need to be any more cautious than any other couple in their community (so for example if they are Ashkenazi Jews they should get recommended testing etc). 
    ILoveBeachMusic
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    If you are insistent on getting married then talk to a genetic counselor rather than listen to your mom.   

    IF it's legal to do this (and I've never looked into it) then you can tell your mom to stop however if a genetic counselor has some feedback about this then please consider it. 


    It’s a hundred percent legal in every state in the US and genetically a non issue. 
    OK fine.   I'll be honest that I never looked into the legality of marrying a 2nd cousin.

    That said, whether or not it's genetically a non-issue is really case dependent on each person.

    I'll cite the issue of BIL and SIL who last year found out that they're both recessive carriers of a gene and it results in a 25% chance of any child they conceive to have birth defects that mean that their child has an extremely high risk of miscarriage, stillbirth and will not live for more than days after birth if that.   Their daughter last year lived 32 minutes.   More and more genetic testing is finding that there can be concerns not for the 1st generation and not the 2nd but even the 3rd.   That's the point I am making here.

    right but that has nothing to do with consanguinity or incest concerns. There’s no scientific reason why people with this level of remove need to be any more cautious than any other couple in their community (so for example if they are Ashkenazi Jews they should get recommended testing etc). 
    Correct.   My point is to look into it.   I am lucky that DH and I don't have issues and never did it and am somewhat surprised that it isn't something that people consider.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Point out to your mother that among royalty, cousins marry each other all the time. Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are third cousins, for example, and their ancestors Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were first cousins.

    Tell your sisters to knock off the jokes.

    But it wouldn't hurt, and could even be helpful, if you get genetic counseling to find out the odds that your children could inherit two recessive genes for a genetic disorder.
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