'Dad-sitting' is getting exhausting and obnoxious.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

After my parents divorced six years ago, my dad moved away to a city that is a 45-minute flight away. My sister and I have fairly close relationships with our parents, and she had her first kid in June. Our dad now comes into town one weekend a month and stays with either my sister or me. During that time, the expectation is that someone is with him all the time—doing planned activities, making meals, talking, etc. It’s intense and exhausting. My sister and I usually try to tag-team the visits—we’ll do dinner at her place on Friday, I’ll take him a half day on Saturday, she’ll take the other half, and so on.

Our dad never contributes to these visits. He arrives with no plan or ideas for activities. He does not contribute to cooking any meals or doing any cleanup, though he will occasionally buy groceries or dinner if we order in. He does not help with the baby. My sister and I both have pretty busy lives. We love our dad and understand that these visits are really important to him both as an opportunity to see us and his grandson, but losing the better part of a weekend every month is becoming untenable . How do we start a conversation about managing the frequency or intensity of these visits without making our dad feel like an unwanted burden? Or are we being unreasonable?

—Too-Frequent Guest

charlotte989875

Does he expect that you have detailed, planned weekends, or would he be fine just hanging out, seeing the table and being around? If it’s the former then you should talk to him about taking more ownership over his trips. But if it’s the later just stop planning things. If your sister needs help with the baby, she should ask. If you can’t be with him all the time, tell him you have to run out and he’s on his own. 

VarunaTT

I'm a little confused. Is Dad coming into see the new grandbaby?  That's what I thought at first, but after re-reading the whole thing, this just sounds like his entertainment?

My family is probably absurdly blunt to most people. I'd probably just tell Dad that he needs to take care of himself, we'll have dinner together this night, and go out to do what I need to do or sit on my butt at home if that's what I needed to do.  

banana468

Well, the good news now is that social distancing should be the time for a conversation about how he's not visiting.

Next - you can talk about frequency and or expenses.   Sis can ask for help w/ the baby or say, "This weekend we have so much going on.   What about in two weeks?" 

But balance it.   Figure out how you can engage with your dad without being an all expense resort for him with paid weekend excursions.  

mrsconn23

IDK why when he's coming into town and is all, "So what do you have planned?"  They say they didn't plan anything.  If they get pushback from him, they need to explain that they're not planning anything and he's free to hang out or go out on his own.  Nothing is going to change unless they change their behavior.  They have set the expectation by doing this all.the.time.  

Furthermore, the 'help' with the baby thing is "moo".  Sister had the baby so that hers to deal with.  Dad had his babies (and hopefully was helpful with them).  He gets to choose if he helps.  Yes, involved, helpful grandparents are great, but it's not a requirement to be one. 

I'm stuck between having an opinion that they should be glad dad 1) lives far enough away that they're not dealing with this all the time, just once a month and 2) that dad wants and is able to travel to visit them.  But also that having a parent that requires entertainment and doesn't pitch in or even seem grateful that they do make the time to entertain and feed him once a month and give him a place to come to that only costs him a plane ticket is obnoxious as hell.  

kerbohl

If he asked what I had planned for a weekend, it would be all chores ... I'd probably bore him and he'd stop coming.