Getting her to 'let it go' may require more help than you can provide.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am a 55-year-old white guy married for over 30 years to a woman I love more every day. We met when we were 18. She grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household where they used shame to control her emotionally. She’d cultivated a lot of secrets when we met and collected even more by the time we got married and moved away to start a life together. She asked me to swear never to tell those secrets to our two sons (who are now in their mid-20s), and I have done my best.

Recently, during a pleasant dinner conversation, I referenced the fact that we drank in college when we were still legally underage. This was one of the secrets I wasn’t supposed to tell our sons. She got very upset with me later and said she worried that now she can’t trust me to keep the other secrets. I am worried that I don’t even remember them all given the passage of the decades and my increasing “silver moments” of minor memory loss. I want to encourage her to tell these secrets so she can be free of them. None of them show her in a bad light. It’s just an aftereffect of the shame she was raised with. She’s a wonderful wife, mother, professional, and friend. And I want to be free from the fear of making a mistake if I am telling a harmless story.

—Can’t Remember What’s Secret

banana468

You're going to need to talk to her about therapy.   And she's going to need to do some soul searching. 

What I would say is that trying to present yourself as someone perfect to your children is not a successful way to parent IMO.   And I have more respect for people who are honest about what they did and how they've changed vs. people who tell their kids some kind of revisionist history. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

What I would say is that trying to present yourself as someone perfect to your children is not a successful way to parent IMO.   And I have more respect for people who are honest about what they did and how they've changed vs. people who tell their kids some kind of revisionist history. 

Yep.  And I bet money their mid-20's kids have figured out their parents aren't fresh as driven snow.  Also, that kind of 'self-discipline' always comes out in the wash some other way.  I would bet her control issues have had an effect on their kids, and LW, in ways that she never intended. 

charlotte989875

Underage drinking doesn’t seem to be a secret that needs to be kept at all costs from your adult children. So I don’t think it’s so much the content of the secret but the control over information, and that is something a professional can help you both with. In the meantime I’d apologize and say you’re having a hard time remembering what is a secret. 

kerbohl

I would also recommend therapy.  People shouldn't have to live with guilt and shame over something that, first off, happened years ago, and second, probably doesn't matter as much to others as it matters to the person who did it.  There are exceptions, but if one of these big secrets is underage drinking, I'm thinking these big secrets might not be that earth-shattering.

levioosa

Therapy. I’m also a little concerned about how blasé LW was about their memory loss. Is this a “this was 30 years ago and I’m not sure what that dude’s name from our class was?” Or is it actual moments of memory lapses? LW is only 55. 

MesmrEwe

How many kids when they learned who the Beetles and 80's hair bands were looked at groupie pictures and said "GRANDMA!!!!!!!"...

Wow - to find out your parents are human is an important day in life....