(Trying) to Keep Calm

futuremrs20

Hi everyone. What a time to be planning a wedding! We postponed a few weeks ago and are happy and at peace about it because we knew we did not want to put people in an uncomfortable situation with traveling and we wanted to be able to breathe a little bit.

All that said, it feels that every planning part is met with some type of unsolicited opinion and negativity by my FH's Mom and I'm trying hard to keep calm but also want to be firm that this is our wedding and it is a wedding that my Mom is hosting and paying for. My Dad passed away suddenly a few years ago and we were very close. That makes the wedding planning bittersweet so I wish she'd be understanding of that and back off a bit. From the very beginning, there was an issue with the no-kids policy (other than nieces and nephews), our not giving every guest a plus one, that my Mom had not chosen her dress yet, parts of our ceremony, issues with our second save the date (which I found to be ridiculous given that postponing amidst a global pandemic is not something you plan for...she claimed she did not "care for them" and wanted to send her friends e-mails because she did not want them to receive them; meanwhile all of our friends and family members loved them), her asking our venue questions on the side, etc. She will ask a million questions and then will say something passive aggressive like, "Well, I don't know but I can't have an opinion." Not only is that statement not helpful but it's not necessary at a time like this. From my friend's suggestion, we have given her numerous things to be in "charge" of such as the rehearsal dinner, brunch, but it has gotten to be a little too much during what is already a stressful time for everyone. I don't like conflict but also don't want to be passive about all of it. My Mom thinks that my FH needs to say something along the lines of, "We've got this and if we need help we will definitely let you know but please be respectful of Bride/MOB and all that they are doing."

For my FH, my Mom, and me, this day is not about being showy or having everything look perfect. Things will go wrong and we just aren't focused on the small things or going crazy about it. It is really about us being married after going through a lot together in seven years. We want our friends and family to have an amazing and delicious time and dance the night away. I think that my FH's mom might be more concerned with it being a "show" for her friends and we are just not like that nor are they contributing to the reception or ceremony. All in all, I would love to get some advice/guidance from brides who are there or have been there. Thank you and thinking of all you COVID-19 brides  

MyNameIsNot

I think your mom is right that your FI should be the one to say something, but not what she said. He needs to be the point of contact for his mother. Blood talks to blood, as they say. If she contacts you or your mother, you should direct her to your FI. He doesn't have to come out and be affirmatively aggressive, but he should learn to shut her down. "Thank you for the suggestion, we'll consider it" and then change the subject. 

One thing I've learned across the board with pushy and opinionated people is that it's best not to give them more to be opinionated about. She can't complain about the flowers if she doesn't know about them. Just stop sharing wedding details with her. 

Also, I would contact your venue and let them know that they are not to discuss plans with anyone other than you and your FI. That should be a given, but if they're talking to her, that's a big concern.

futuremrs20

Thanks for your response - very helpful and I agree. I've shopped sharing details with her as has my fiancé. We've learned via phone and FaceTime that it's best to divert the conversation to, "Wow - can't believe what is happening in the news!" or something along those lines.

Your last suggestion was spot on and you read my mind! I called my wedding planner last week to tell her. She laughed and said, "Yep, she has called a few times but my go-to answer is that only what you, your Mom, and fiancé say is what we go with." She has experience with her own MIL so she empathized with where I was coming from.

Thank you for assuring me that I am not nuts in this case. It is such a crazy time that I want to keep calm as much as possible so I appreciate the feedback! 

banana468

Honestly, I'm going to say that when it comes to wedding planning in general you need to pick and choose your battles.   When it's wedding planning in a pandemic, you not only need to pick and choose your battles but you probably need to pick them with the edible vice of the day (chocolate, wine, cupcakes, etc.).

Here's my take:
-Don't engage the conversations that don't get her input.   Things like your mom's dress, ceremony are probably worth bean dipping. 
-Guests and plus-ones: Make sure that anyone in a relationship is invited with their SO.   If someone has a boyfriend or a girlfriend then that partner needs to be invited.   Plus ones only apply to those who are random.   And consider if she approaches you if there are any relatives that are aged who could need help with transportation to extending them a possible plus one.   Example: DH's grandmother needed an aid so the aid was invited.   Sometimes aging family don't drive and if they need a driver then invite the driver. 

I think your FI can benefit from talking to his mom directly.  "Mom, it seems like there are things that are hurting your feelings.   There are some parts of this that are going to be our decision and we do need you to respect that.   When you make some comments it's hurtful to me and my FI.  But are you comfortable planning the RD?  Is that something that you like?  We are so excited and we hope you are too." 

Know that some people are negative and it's hard for them to see times like this as a positive.   But your FI should navigate this and talk to your FMIL himself.  Just balance it.   She's always going to be his mom and you need to engage well after the wedding.   The wedding is JUST the BEGINNING. 

futuremrs20

Understandable and I agree on some points. Anyone in a relationship does have a plus-one and they are identified on the invite. But our single friends are addressed without one. We do not have older relatives who would need one either. She was moreso talking about three or four people who she thought should have a plus one because they are on her side, however, then we would have to extend that to everyone and it just is not realistic. Lately I think I've been pretty good about getting away from the conversation, however, I do agree that my FH needs to talk to her more firmly. I don't really think there is anything hurting her feelings. I think she wants to be in control and cares more about how this wedding "looks" to others versus the meaning and fun behind it. My friend who was in a similar situation said that by being firm and honest now, it will save a lot of trouble and issues in the future

MobKaz

futuremrs20 said:

Hi everyone. What a time to be planning a wedding! We postponed a few weeks ago and are happy and at peace about it because we knew we did not want to put people in an uncomfortable situation with traveling and we wanted to be able to breathe a little bit.

All that said, it feels that every planning part is met with some type of unsolicited opinion and negativity by my FH's Mom and I'm trying hard to keep calm but also want to be firm that this is our wedding and it is a wedding that my Mom is hosting and paying for. My Dad passed away suddenly a few years ago and we were very close. That makes the wedding planning bittersweet so I wish she'd be understanding of that and back off a bit. From the very beginning, there was an issue with the no-kids policy (other than nieces and nephews), our not giving every guest a plus one, that my Mom had not chosen her dress yet, parts of our ceremony, issues with our second save the date (which I found to be ridiculous given that postponing amidst a global pandemic is not something you plan for...she claimed she did not "care for them" and wanted to send her friends e-mails because she did not want them to receive them; meanwhile all of our friends and family members loved them), her asking our venue questions on the side, etc. She will ask a million questions and then will say something passive aggressive like, "Well, I don't know but I can't have an opinion." Not only is that statement not helpful but it's not necessary at a time like this. From my friend's suggestion, we have given her numerous things to be in "charge" of such as the rehearsal dinner, brunch, but it has gotten to be a little too much during what is already a stressful time for everyone. I don't like conflict but also don't want to be passive about all of it. My Mom thinks that my FH needs to say something along the lines of, "We've got this and if we need help we will definitely let you know but please be respectful of Bride/MOB and all that they are doing."

For my FH, my Mom, and me, this day is not about being showy or having everything look perfect. Things will go wrong and we just aren't focused on the small things or going crazy about it. It is really about us being married after going through a lot together in seven years. We want our friends and family to have an amazing and delicious time and dance the night away. I think that my FH's mom might be more concerned with it being a "show" for her friends and we are just not like that nor are they contributing to the reception or ceremony. All in all, I would love to get some advice/guidance from brides who are there or have been there. Thank you and thinking of all you COVID-19 brides  

Perhaps FMIL has not been involved in weddings in recent years and has not realized how some former customs have been “loosened.”  It used to be tradition that the MOB selected her dress first and then the MOG choose hers.  Let FMIL know that she can select any dress that makes her feel comfortable and lovely.  
I hope when you say you “put FMIL “in charge” of things”, she actually volunteered to host these events.  However, just as you want FMIL to steer clear of your planning, then the same should apply conversely.  FMIL now can turn “her” events into whatever she chooses.  My daughter’s MIL offered to host the rehearsal dinner.  She turned it into a mini reception.  MIL “did not care” for the way my daughter and (now) SIL planned their reception, as MIL considered it a bit too casual.  So MIL turned the rehearsal into “what the reception should look like” to her LOL. MIL invited ALL her extended family, but did not include ours.  We kept our mouths closed.  She did her, and DD and SIL did them.

futuremrs20

Thank you for this. It turned into a bit of a nightmare tonight when my FH called to try to calm things down and it was taken as me trying to start things or "control my wedding." She offered to host the RD so we gave her full reign. We only suggested that we insert a separate RD invite into the wedding invite so people knew they were invited and it was a huge production. She got mad that my FH noted she said didn't like the save the dates even though she said so in front of both of us on the phone but she denied it after. She said a few weeks ago she really didn't care for them. She got upset because she kept bringing up the issue of COVID and a late August wedding not happening and it being inconvenient for them/their guests and having to wait to get married and my FH and I kindly asked that we wait to cross that bridge if we need. Of course that threw her over the edge.

Right now I am very overwhelmed, hurt, and upset that I've been made to be the "bad guy" when I was trying to make everyone content and try to minimize issues. She is not paying for the wedding and all of this is just ridiculous to me and takes away from what a wedding really is about. It is HARD to deal with the "What if" every day because of what's happening and quite frankly, I think we have bigger fish to fry at a time like this in the midst of a global pandemic. Things are hard for everyone and all we care about in the end is each other, our loved ones, and a fun time, regardless of the day. She has almost become obsessive about things to the point where if we disagree or ask that we do not talk about it, she becomes so upset and turns the tables around. When I found out that my job was in jeopardy because of COVID, her exact response was, "Don't get upset, that's not the bridal thing to do" (I kid you not). My Mom and I had a good heart to heart and she said to just keep discussions to the bare minimum and walk away from the conversation if she behaves like that. At this point I am ready to elope. 

maine7mob

Others have given good advice here, but I also hope you and your FH are doing some form of virtual premarital counseling. I recommend this for every engaged couple, because it helps you figure out how to navigate your trouble areas before you walk down that aisle.

And one of those potential areas of trouble is dealing with in-laws. You both have to put each other first, ahead of your birth families, or this marriage will not work. And you also have to realize that any family member who isn't pushing you and your FH toward each other, rather than taking a side or making demands, isn't helpful to your relationship.

MobKaz

futuremrs20 said:

Thank you for this. It turned into a bit of a nightmare tonight when my FH called to try to calm things down and it was taken as me trying to start things or "control my wedding." She offered to host the RD so we gave her full reign. We only suggested that we insert a separate RD invite into the wedding invite so people knew they were invited and it was a huge production. She got mad that my FH noted she said didn't like the save the dates even though she said so in front of both of us on the phone but she denied it after. She said a few weeks ago she really didn't care for them. She got upset because she kept bringing up the issue of COVID and a late August wedding not happening and it being inconvenient for them/their guests and having to wait to get married and my FH and I kindly asked that we wait to cross that bridge if we need. Of course that threw her over the edge.

Right now I am very overwhelmed, hurt, and upset that I've been made to be the "bad guy" when I was trying to make everyone content and try to minimize issues. She is not paying for the wedding and all of this is just ridiculous to me and takes away from what a wedding really is about. It is HARD to deal with the "What if" every day because of what's happening and quite frankly, I think we have bigger fish to fry at a time like this in the midst of a global pandemic. Things are hard for everyone and all we care about in the end is each other, our loved ones, and a fun time, regardless of the day. She has almost become obsessive about things to the point where if we disagree or ask that we do not talk about it, she becomes so upset and turns the tables around. When I found out that my job was in jeopardy because of COVID, her exact response was, "Don't get upset, that's not the bridal thing to do" (I kid you not). My Mom and I had a good heart to heart and she said to just keep discussions to the bare minimum and walk away from the conversation if she behaves like that. At this point I am ready to elope. 

I’m sorry.  Your FMIL sounds a bit like my daughter’s MIL.  DD tried to include her in a LOT of wedding planning because DD knew it was important to MIL.  But at every turn, MIL turned all things wedding into “her”.  I will never forget when we went to look at venues.  DD and SIL found a venue they loved.  During the tour, MIL gushed over it.  We left in separate cars.  After several minutes, DD called me from their car hysterical.....to the point I thought they had been in an accident.  Apparently after my husband and I left, MIL beyond trash talked the venue.  From that point, the mantra I suggested my DD use when dealing with MIL was, “Expect the expected”.  It meant that DD should expect MIL would have an opinion, and it would probably be critical or negative.  DD started to reduce the amount of “sharing” with MIL, and honestly, we took bets on what we thought her response would be to certain wedding related items.  We could have turned it into a “shots” game, honestly.  
I personally feel that a lot of MIL’s issue stemmed from the fact that her son was the oldest child, and the one she relied upon for many things.  I think it was very hard to see her son have a “new #1” in his life.  She was NOT accustomed to taking a back seat to anything or anyone.  DD was the “bad guy” for many years.  If MIL did not hear from them for a while, it was somehow DD’s fault, etc. LOL. 
Adopt the “smile and nod” approach to her as much as you can.  Limit what you share with her.  Have your FI speak with his mom, and encourage him to not share conversations he has with her to you unless absolutely necessary.  You know her now.  Expect it.  

futuremrs20

Thanks for the input, but I don't think that's where we are before going down the aisle nor do I think it's helpful to question that. My fiancé and I have endured long distance, sudden death of a parent, career moves, lay offs, and other family arguments but never have we put our families or others before our relationship nor do we intend to. He always emphasizes that we are a team first and foremost, which I love.

I think a huge root of this is his Mom needing to be in control of a situation where she can't have control. I also do think she is concerned about what others will think of the wedding, which is quite ridiculous. If my fiancé were not supporting me and realizing this, then yes, I think I'd have to do something. I also don't see her as pulling us away from each other. If that was the case, I'd certainly have to stand up to her. Thanks for the input but I don't think insinuating thinking about the marriage or whether or not it wouldn't work because of in-laws is the way to go. 

futuremrs20

Thank you for this! Incredibly helpful and I love the "expect the expected!" I completely agree with your input and it sounds like your daughter handled it really well. He is one of two boys and the first getting married but the younger of the two. I am sure there is some level of what you mentioned taking place but at the same time, this day is not about her. When my fiancé and I had a good heart to heart afterwards, we agreed that we would really limit sharing the details and stand as a united front. Not that we weren't before, but if we don't have a question or need an opinion, then it doesn't have to be shared (framing it like, "it will be a surprise!"). He is going to speak to her again this weekend about everything, which I appreciate.

Thank you again for this sound advice and for the support - it is truly helpful and appreciated  

levioosa

futuremrs20 said:

Thanks for the input, but I don't think that's where we are before going down the aisle nor do I think it's helpful to question that. My fiancé and I have endured long distance, sudden death of a parent, career moves, lay offs, and other family arguments but never have we put our families or others before our relationship nor do we intend to. He always emphasizes that we are a team first and foremost, which I love.

I think a huge root of this is his Mom needing to be in control of a situation where she can't have control. I also do think she is concerned about what others will think of the wedding, which is quite ridiculous. If my fiancé were not supporting me and realizing this, then yes, I think I'd have to do something. I also don't see her as pulling us away from each other. If that was the case, I'd certainly have to stand up to her. Thanks for the input but I don't think insinuating thinking about the marriage or whether or not it wouldn't work because of in-laws is the way to go. 

futuremrs20 said:

Thank you for this! Incredibly helpful and I love the "expect the expected!" I completely agree with your input and it sounds like your daughter handled it really well. He is one of two boys and the first getting married but the younger of the two. I am sure there is some level of what you mentioned taking place but at the same time, this day is not about her. When my fiancé and I had a good heart to heart afterwards, we agreed that we would really limit sharing the details and stand as a united front. Not that we weren't before, but if we don't have a question or need an opinion, then it doesn't have to be shared (framing it like, "it will be a surprise!"). He is going to speak to her again this weekend about everything, which I appreciate.

Thank you again for this sound advice and for the support - it is truly helpful and appreciated  

Use the quote button when you’re replying to a specific person/post. The “reply” button is basically useless and it doesn’t include who you’re replying to. 

I think you misunderstood Maine7mob. Her advice was very broad and I think you took it personally. It’s never a bad idea to advise someone to engage in some sort of pre-marital counseling. It’s not a dirty word or a reflection of failure of a relationship. It’s a way to make sure the couple is on the same page and is able to communicate. Especially when difficult family members are present. My FI and I have also been together seven years with a lot of similar situations and we’re a strong couple but I still think it would be nice for us to go to pre-marital counseling just to have a “tune up” and make sure we’re solid on communication prior to our wedding.  

It sounds like you and FI are on the same page. That’s great. It would be a big red flag if he was defending his mother’s actions or purposefully making you into the bad guy with decisions. You both seem level headed and united. I also get the sense that besides probably being a difficult person normally, she is reacting to the loss of control that every one is feeling right now and over correcting with things she feels she does have control over. 

At the end of the day, your FI should be the only one to talk to her and there needs to be some serious limiting of information given to her. I’d also be hesitant to give her more to plan. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a difficult person in what is already a difficult situation. 

MesmrEwe

Your FMIL gets the "win" on the whole not allowing "plus ones", much as you may not like it, she is correct in that part is an etiquette mistake especially if they're in a committed relationship.  

As for the rest, pick up the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning".  It is written by a former knottie and her Dad and well done at that!  The former knottie is now a Marriage & Family Counselor.  (and is where the "Blood talks to Blood" advice actually comes from!)

The aspects you're dealing with in regard to your FMIL won't go away magically because you got married.  Weddings bring out the best and worst in people.  Should you choose to have kids, put it in the back of your mind that "The name chosen by you/FI will NOT be shared with ANYONE until it is on the official Birth Certificate!"..  Just an omen of things to come with the type of personality you've explained here.  

Yes, learn some good bean dip recipes for conversations to come between now and the wedding.  FWIW, let your FI have all the fun when it comes to wedding discussions and find a way that he's to talk with her.  

futuremrs20

MesmrEwe said:

Your FMIL gets the "win" on the whole not allowing "plus ones", much as you may not like it, she is correct in that part is an etiquette mistake especially if they're in a committed relationship.  

As for the rest, pick up the book "Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning".  It is written by a former knottie and her Dad and well done at that!  The former knottie is now a Marriage & Family Counselor.  (and is where the "Blood talks to Blood" advice actually comes from!)

The aspects you're dealing with in regard to your FMIL won't go away magically because you got married.  Weddings bring out the best and worst in people.  Should you choose to have kids, put it in the back of your mind that "The name chosen by you/FI will NOT be shared with ANYONE until it is on the official Birth Certificate!"..  Just an omen of things to come with the type of personality you've explained here.  

Yes, learn some good bean dip recipes for conversations to come between now and the wedding.  FWIW, let your FI have all the fun when it comes to wedding discussions and find a way that he's to talk with her.  

I think the plus one is misunderstood - everyone who is in a committed relationship gets a plus one. We just did not give one to every single individual. No one who is invited in a committed relationship does not have their partner invited.

Great point about having kids - it is something that my Mom reminded me of too as she had to deal with difficult in-laws who made things much harder than what I am currently having to deal with. Thanks! 

futuremrs20

levioosa said:

futuremrs20 said:

Thanks for the input, but I don't think that's where we are before going down the aisle nor do I think it's helpful to question that. My fiancé and I have endured long distance, sudden death of a parent, career moves, lay offs, and other family arguments but never have we put our families or others before our relationship nor do we intend to. He always emphasizes that we are a team first and foremost, which I love.

I think a huge root of this is his Mom needing to be in control of a situation where she can't have control. I also do think she is concerned about what others will think of the wedding, which is quite ridiculous. If my fiancé were not supporting me and realizing this, then yes, I think I'd have to do something. I also don't see her as pulling us away from each other. If that was the case, I'd certainly have to stand up to her. Thanks for the input but I don't think insinuating thinking about the marriage or whether or not it wouldn't work because of in-laws is the way to go. 

futuremrs20 said:

Thank you for this! Incredibly helpful and I love the "expect the expected!" I completely agree with your input and it sounds like your daughter handled it really well. He is one of two boys and the first getting married but the younger of the two. I am sure there is some level of what you mentioned taking place but at the same time, this day is not about her. When my fiancé and I had a good heart to heart afterwards, we agreed that we would really limit sharing the details and stand as a united front. Not that we weren't before, but if we don't have a question or need an opinion, then it doesn't have to be shared (framing it like, "it will be a surprise!"). He is going to speak to her again this weekend about everything, which I appreciate.

Thank you again for this sound advice and for the support - it is truly helpful and appreciated  

Use the quote button when you’re replying to a specific person/post. The “reply” button is basically useless and it doesn’t include who you’re replying to. 

I think you misunderstood Maine7mob. Her advice was very broad and I think you took it personally. It’s never a bad idea to advise someone to engage in some sort of pre-marital counseling. It’s not a dirty word or a reflection of failure of a relationship. It’s a way to make sure the couple is on the same page and is able to communicate. Especially when difficult family members are present. My FI and I have also been together seven years with a lot of similar situations and we’re a strong couple but I still think it would be nice for us to go to pre-marital counseling just to have a “tune up” and make sure we’re solid on communication prior to our wedding.  

It sounds like you and FI are on the same page. That’s great. It would be a big red flag if he was defending his mother’s actions or purposefully making you into the bad guy with decisions. You both seem level headed and united. I also get the sense that besides probably being a difficult person normally, she is reacting to the loss of control that every one is feeling right now and over correcting with things she feels she does have control over. 

At the end of the day, your FI should be the only one to talk to her and there needs to be some serious limiting of information given to her. I’d also be hesitant to give her more to plan. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a difficult person in what is already a difficult situation. 

Yeah, I wasn't taking it personally. I was saying I don't agree with it or think it is for us. I have friends who it has worked for and friends who opted out of it. To each their own though. Like you said, I am thankful that my fiancé and I are on the same page. After that tough conversation he let her know that we have a plan moving forward and that things will stay with us. 

I 100% agree that we all feel we are losing control as I certainly feel that on a day-to-day basis with non-wedding items, but I also don't think that gives her the right to act that way. Things are hard for everyone right now and quite frankly, the details of a wedding and possible postponement are the last thing on my mind amidst everything happening in the world. Like you said, she has the rehearsal dinner for now and that's it.