Secrets revealed by quarantine

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been with my boyfriend, “Alex” for two years. (We’re both men.) I moved into his condo shortly before lockdown, and while it’s been a weird time, things had been going really well. He seemed like the most perfect, lovely boyfriend, and I trusted him absolutely, even if he’s been a little possessive at times. Never anything that raised an alarm bell though, and he’s always seemed open to talking about any problems. I was sorting through drawers in the bedroom after he’d told me I was welcome to rearrange things and found an actual hidden compartment. Inside was an old cellphone of mine I thought had been lost or stolen over two years ago. It was fully charged and still logged in to all my social media accounts. I don’t know how, given that I had it deactivated way back when I realized it was gone. There was also a photo album that included a lot of snaps from my modelling portfolio back in college. This album had gone missing from my old apartment before I’d even met my current boyfriend.

I went into a state of shock, put them back, and said nothing to him when he came home. I’ve changed all my social media passwords, but that’s it. I have no idea how to discuss this with him. In normal circumstances, I would leave to stay with a friend and discuss it with someone else, but now I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t want to call someone when he is always in the apartment with me, and my devices no longer feel safe. He has noticed that I am acting off, but I’ve pretended it’s just general anxiety. But I can’t pretend nothing is wrong for much longer. Is there any possible reasonable explanation for what I found? Am I right to be as completely terrified by this as I am?

—Chilling Revelation

banana468

This could be a person who is seriously unhinged or someone who has been burned in the past w/ jealousy issues. 

I think you have to be honest.  Tell him you found the old phone in a hidden compartment and you know it's yours.   It seems odd to have it there and knowing that you two are doing well, you would love to talk about what you're finding.

It may mean that you need to GTFO and go somewhere else or maybe Alex has some really deep insecurities.  

I would find it really hard to trust someone like that to be honest without some serious explanations like, dude's been burned and abused and needs serious protective measures because there's a lot of distrust in there. 

climbingsingle

Is his boyfriend Joe Goldberg? 

He's absolutely right to be terrified of that. There's no reasonable explanation for stealing someone's phone, going through everything on it, keeping them logged into social media so you can see everything they're doing, and stealing a photo album on top of that. He needs to get out of there ASAP. 

mrsconn23

This is one exception. where it's even though it's quarantine, LW needs to find a way to leave.  ASAP  A family member, or a friend.  I mean, if they have a room for LW and they're worried about COVID, LW could quarantine inside the house and keep to their room for a week or two.  Just to be safe.  But that's easier than this.  

VarunaTT

LW just needs to GTFO right now.  Take the risk.  If one of my friends called and told me this, I'd say hell yes, get your ass over here right damn now, we'll figure out the rest later.  

levioosa

This is some Joe from You bullshit. Gtfo LW. 

short+sassy

Yes, LW.  You are right to be completely terrified by this.  I also think this is an exception that, quarantine or not, the LW needs to make arrangements to find someplace else to live.

I could maybe see an argument made if it was just the old phone and the photo album.  Like, well, those were major mistakes the b/f made early in the relationship; however, he and the relationship have been great for the last two years, so maybe they can still salvage things.

But the fact that the phone is still ACTIVELY being used to spy on the LW is the very alarming and the absolute dealbreaker part.

I realize the LW doesn't talk about physical abuse.  But this letter reminds me of another ugly part of the pandemic is that domestic abuse has grown in leaps and bounds.  Victims being stuck in the house with their abusers.  Most of them having nowhere to go.

kerbohl

I'm also freaked out by the album that went missing before they met.  How did this new boyfriend get their hands on it?  Even for insecurities and the boyfriend being burned in the past, this is unacceptable and terrifying, and LW should go safe, and then maybe call his boyfriend on the phone to discuss this.  And take the phone with you!  Don't leave it there!

VarunaTT

I'm honestly not even sure LW should try and contact BF afterwards.  He just needs to ghost TF out.  @kerbohl , that album IS terrifying.  I'm not sure he could make any sort of police report, but he needs to document this somehow.

kerbohl

@VarunaTT I'd personally be calling to get some answers.  Because he found the phone, but what if there was something else?  What about his current phone - did the boyfriend find a way to track that?  I'd be grilling him to get some answers to what the extent of his stalking is.  It is NOT okay to stalk someone, even if you live with them! 

kerbohl

kerbohl said:

@VarunaTT I'd personally be calling to get some answers.  Because he found the phone, but what if there was something else?  What about his current phone - did the boyfriend find a way to track that?  I'd be grilling him to get some answers to what the extent of his stalking is.  It is NOT okay to stalk someone, even if you live with them! 

Just to clarify, I'm judging this boyfriend for the stalking that he is doing ... it's just so creepy.  There are some forms of stalking, like finding out a person's habits to plan a surprise for them, that are perfectly acceptable to a degree.

charlotte989875

I would take the phone and album and walk straight out. Now. I wouldn’t feel safe staying there any longer. He needs to get out and not look back. 

MyNameIsNot

Nope nope nope. This dude took LW's photo album before the met. Or before LW knew they met. That's some serious stalking right there. 

I would take both the phone and album and disappear. I would turn off both my current and the old phone until I could have them checked for some kind of monitoring software. Then I'd be talking to a lawyer about some kind of protective order and figuring out how to document with the police. This is no joke and terrifying. 

drunkenwitch

I'm a true crime junkie, that boyfriend is going to push LW down the stairs and blame an owl.  GET OUT!

downtondiva

This is so creepy. Boyfriend has LW's old phone and a photo album that went missing before LW and boyfriend ever met, and he's "lovely" but "a little possessive." This has danger written all over it. Someone who starts out "a little possessive" often eventually becomes extremely possessive, and it's pretty clear boyfriend had some sort of obsession/stalking thing going on before he and LW met. 

Despite everything going on in the world, I really think LW needs to find someplace else to live, even if he just stays with someone temporarily while waiting out this pandemic. He is not safe living with boyfriend. 

ei34

I got goosebumps on my arms by the time i got to the end of the first paragraph.  This poor LW.  I'd try and figure out if the boyfriend put some sort of tracker on my current phone within hour one, and leave within hour two.  I wouldn't tell him why before I left.  And I say I'd leave with the casualness of someone who has my parents and three siblings all within 20minutes...I just hope LW has someone close by.  This is beyond creepy.

Casadena

This is terrifying, GTFO now

levioosa

If I was LW I would probably leave and then buy a new phone with a new number. 

climbingsingle

What was Prudie's response??

mrsconn23

drunkenwitch said:

I'm a true crime junkie, that boyfriend is going to push LW down the stairs and blame an owl.  GET OUT!

This made me LOL.  However, I seriously cannot get on board with that case as this bastion of the true crime genre. I find it not that compelling.  Also, I get that case confused with the cop from IL with the same name who also had a trail of dead wives that passed away mysteriously.  

mrsconn23

climbingwife said:

What was Prudie's response??

Yes, you’re right to be terrified. No, there is no decent or innocuous explanation that justifies what your boyfriend has done. This is an excellent reason to break standard shelter-in-place protocols, and you should absolutely get in touch with your friends, explain the unexpected and urgent nature of the crisis you find yourself in, and get out as fast as you can.

You mention you’re not sure how he was able to stay logged into your social media accounts, given that you deactivated your old phone. If you merely disabled or reassigned the cell service, that wouldn’t affect data already on the phone, so he could have continued to connect over WiFi and use the stored login information for whatever apps you had at the time. Changing your passwords was probably enough to lock down those accounts, but you can also mark the phone as lost or stolen and remotely erase it for additional peace of mind.

You cannot trust your boyfriend, and there is no possible conversation the two of you can have that would ever restore that trust. He may become violent or threatening once he realizes you’ve discovered his theft, stalking, and surveillance, so treat your own safety and getting physical distance between the two of you as your highest priority, not hashing things out or having a confrontation. That may feel challenging, because in your head there’s still a version of the boyfriend you thought you had—the guy who’s maybe a little possessive, but really just lovely and perfect, who always listens to reason, who’s always open to change. That man does not exist. That version of your boyfriend was an act in order to lull you into a false sense of confidence. Get out as quickly and as quietly as you can, and tell as many people as you can, both so you can get as much support as possible and to deprive your stalker of the secrecy he’s used as cover for so long.

flantastic

drunkenwitch

mrsconn23 said:

drunkenwitch said:

I'm a true crime junkie, that boyfriend is going to push LW down the stairs and blame an owl.  GET OUT!

This made me LOL.  However, I seriously cannot get on board with that case as this bastion of the true crime genre. I find it not that compelling.  Also, I get that case confused with the cop from IL with the same name who also had a trail of dead wives that passed away mysteriously.  

I honestly didn't finish The Staircase because I got bored.  The Jinx was so much better.  

The owl has become a running joke between SO and I.  We have steep stairs we call "the stairs of doom" and I joke that he ever pushes me down them he can't blame an owl because that's already been done.  Or if we are watching Forensic Files and it involves a fall one of us will yell "Blame the owl!".

mrsconn23

drunkenwitch said:

mrsconn23 said:

drunkenwitch said:

I'm a true crime junkie, that boyfriend is going to push LW down the stairs and blame an owl.  GET OUT!

This made me LOL.  However, I seriously cannot get on board with that case as this bastion of the true crime genre. I find it not that compelling.  Also, I get that case confused with the cop from IL with the same name who also had a trail of dead wives that passed away mysteriously.  

I honestly didn't finish The Staircase because I got bored.  The Jinx was so much better.  

The owl has become a running joke between SO and I.  We have steep stairs we call "the stairs of doom" and I joke that he ever pushes me down them he can't blame an owl because that's already been done.  Or if we are watching Forensic Files and it involves a fall one of us will yell "Blame the owl!".

I love it.  HEE!