In Laws and Roles

lovewinns22

I deleted my post because **Removed for ToS violation**

MobKaz

knottie45ec125cf7dd0966 said:

Hey everyone.

So my husband and I are renewing our vows our 5th anniversary and having the wedding we never had. When we first got married one of his sisters had a horrible attitude and when I asked her about it she said she was there for her brother. The other sister was pleasant. However, 5 years have passed and 1 sister got married and the other sister renewed her vows. I was in both of their weddings, but when I was asked I initially said no because I did not think we were close enough.but i did it to please the family. (Im an idiot i know) Yes, he hang out for family gatherings and etc. but the girl chat, besties, supporting “friends and family”. We are not all there. I graduated college and did not even get a phone call. So the grand question, should I choose them as a bridesmaid and hope they have good attitudes? My husband, has chosen their husbands as groomsmen. That’s what makes it awkward for me. Their husbands in the wedding but they aren’t in their blood brothers wedding. What other role could I have for them? My husband chose 7 and I chose my 7 closest friends Ive known over 15 years.

help! Sorry for the long post. 

A vow renewal after 5 years seems frivolous, in my opinion.  I find renewals more sincere and symbolic after a significant amount of time has passed, such as a 25 year milestone anniversary.  Even with a renewal after a significant amount of time has passed, the idea of including a wedding party seems unnecessary.  Vow renewals are more about the institution of marriage and the strength of the relationship, and less about the “party”.  
If you had “attitude” and drama at your wedding, why would you want to recreate and invite that insanity a second time?  Have “the wedding you never had” by keeping it all about yourselves and your time together.  

lovewinns22

I didn’t ask for an opinion about if we should have a vow renewal or not because we are. However, I asked the opinions of my sister in laws. I didn’t have an attitude when my husband and I got married. One of my sister in laws did. Regardless of who is attending or in the wedding, it will and always be about myself and my husband. Thanks 

MobKaz

knottie45ec125cf7dd0966 said:

I didn’t ask for an opinion about if we should have a vow renewal or not because we are. However, I asked the opinions of my sister in laws. I didn’t have an attitude when my husband and I got married. One of my sister in laws did. Regardless of who is attending or in the wedding, it will and always be about myself and my husband. Thanks 

You misunderstood my post.  You said that you received attitude and drama from your in-laws.  My question and point was why you would ever want to invite that again if it made your wedding so miserable the first time.
When you post on a public forum, everything you state opens up the possibility of comment from others.  Vow renewals are most commonly performed for milestone anniversaries, and not because you didn’t like the way your first ceremony played out. If you want the wedding “you never had”, then leave out all those who made it miserable the first time.  

lovewinns22

People have vow renewal whenever they want to. Its their marriage. Unless you are paying for it then you should keep opinions to yourself. And who said I didn’t like the way my first ceremony turned out? Who said anything about a ceremony? **Removed for ToS violation**

MyNameIsNot

You don't have a wedding party (or any kind of attendants) for a vow renewal. WTF? 

A vow renewal is not a do over wedding!

banana468

knottie45ec125cf7dd0966 said:

People have vow renewal whenever they want to. Its their marriage. Unless you are paying for it then you should keep opinions to yourself. And who said I didn’t like the way my first ceremony turned out? Who said anything about a ceremony? 

**Removed for ToS violation**

1)  YOU ARE ASKING FOR OPINIONS!

2) YOU said that you want the wedding you never had. 

But in this situation:
1) If you have a vow renewal please don't have a WP for it.   
2) If you had extenuating circumstances like say, a global pandemic that prevented the wedding from happening then sure, go for it.    But please also understand that right now the economy is about as wonky as it gets and unless this WP that you've chosen is still in the financial status to do this then I'd re-think the entire thing because it's one thing to have a party - that's paid for by you.   It's another to ask people to shell out serious money when right now they may be rationing toilet paper. 

MobKaz

knottie45ec125cf7dd0966 said:

People have vow renewal whenever they want to. Its their marriage. Unless you are paying for it then you should keep opinions to yourself. And who said I didn’t like the way my first ceremony turned out? Who said anything about a ceremony? 

**Removed for ToS violation**

LOL  I think I am starting to see the other side of this story.  But I'm sure you have never been accused of having "attitude". 

short+sassy

While I agree with the other PPs, it sounds like that ship has already sailed since people have been asked to stand up with you all for the vow renewal.

To answer your question OP, you shouldn't include them to stand with you if that is not how you feel.  You all could have them do readings, if you all want.  But that is the only other role.  Or just not have them do anything.  Even for a wedding, it's not expected that siblings' SOs or WP SOs should be in the other person's WP.

charlotte989875

You definitely shouldn’t have anyone stand up with you that you aren’t close with, regardless of who is standing with your husband. I will say I’ve never seen attendants at a vow renewal but I don’t think it’s hurting anything to have them. 

ei34

Ditto the confusion over bridesmaids and groomsmen...there's no bride or groom.  You guys are already husband and wife.  If you need attendants, definitely just have them symbolically stand by your side and nothing more (don't dictate dress code, don't expect toasts, or any tasks from them).  To answer your question specifically, I wouldn't ask your SILs to be attendants.  The fact that their H's are standing with your H doesn't effect anything- my H and I have each been in wedding parties without each other. 

My H's sisters weren't BMs when we got married, and if we renewed our vows I wouldn't ask them to be attendants.  We get along fine but they aren't my super-inner-core-nearest-and-dearest.