Y'all need to start cooking for yourselves...or break up.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

About a year ago, I moved in with my partner after spending much of my 20s living alone. I have been struggling to articulate a problem I’ve been having for quite a while regarding meals. My partner is a very tall, active man who eats about three times as much as I do. I’m short and petite, and I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight since we moved in together. I know that’s not uncommon in long-term relationships, and I’m trying to deal with it appropriately. But every night when I get home from work, the first question is, “What are we eating?”

He expects us to have a full, traditional dinner seven nights a week. My go-to supper of chicken and veggies isn’t enough for him. Sometimes if I’ve eaten a big lunch I don’t want much of anything for dinner, but I feel pressured to cave and cook what he wants or order in, essentially eating a meal I wasn’t hungry enough for in the first place. I know managing dinner is stressful across many households for many reasons, but to have it also be at odds with my own needs is pushing me over the edge. I’m not happy with so much tension centering around what should be a bonding occasion at the table. I know factually that I am responsible for the bites I take and my weight gain is no one’s fault but mine, but am I relegated to making two separate dinners for the rest of my life? Should I tell him to make his own dinner?

—Feeling Force-Fed

banana468

Why.....can't you make meals of different portion sizes?  Or work on different ways to handle your eating? 

Last summer DH went on a low FODMAP diet and lost 40 lbs.   During that time I didn't eat the same diet as him.  He'd eat some veggies and a basic grilled protein and I'd add noodles - because I often ate something like a half a pb sandwich for lunch.

So talk to this guy and figure out options.   My first thought is reduce the portions of what you're eating or eliminate what packs on the lbs.    If that doesn't work, you'll both need to come up with compromises that don't overwhelm both of you and your kitchen. 

mrsconn23

Agreed @banana468.  But this is a 'use your words' problem. 

The first thing LW needs to address is that their partner somehow thinks LW should do all the cooking.  If you have a vastly different food needs/eating patterns, then it's up to YOU to follow your diet/needs. Even if you don't, splitting household duties is still important to discuss.  Everyone needs to eat, clean clothes, to do some sort of pick up around the place, etc.  

Clearly, LW prefers a big lunch and small, almost snack sized, dinner.  Sounds like the partner needs full meals three times a day.  That's all fine and good, but they need to have that conversation so partner stops expecting LW to cook for both of them. If it's still expectation for LW and their partner, then it's time to wonder if this is going to work. 

ei34

There are two issues, the weight gain and more annoying (IMO) LW feels like they have to make a full dinner every night of the week.  Addressing the weight gain- I'd recommend eating a smaller portion or eating some but not all of it (most nights I eat the protein and veggies I make the rest of my family for dinner, and skip the carb/starch that they all eat).  But for me the bigger qualm is LW's partner's expectations.  I feel they need an adjustment.  Is there a reason the partner isn't making his own dinners, or better yet, cooking for both of them some nights?  That's the bigger conversation that needs to be had, for this to work long-term.

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

Agreed @banana468.  But this is a 'use your words' problem. 

The first thing LW needs to address is that their partner somehow thinks LW should do all the cooking.  If you have a vastly different food needs/eating patterns, then it's up to YOU to follow your diet/needs. Even if you don't, splitting household duties is still important to discuss.  Everyone needs to eat, clean clothes, to do some sort of pick up around the place, etc.  

Clearly, LW prefers a big lunch and small, almost snack sized, dinner.  Sounds like the partner needs full meals three times a day.  That's all fine and good, but they need to have that conversation so partner stops expecting LW to cook for both of them. If it's still expectation for LW and their partner, then it's time to wonder if this is going to work. 

Totally agree.   There's a big talk needed here on a division of labor and eating habits.   

levioosa

How was the partner handling this before they moved in together? 

I like cooking. Sometimes I make full course meals. FI tends to be starving when I first get home. I’m not going to stress out about getting stuff done when he is fully capable of making himself a snack or a separate meal. For a long time I was eating healthy and he didn’t want what I was making. So he made his own meals. Sounds like LW and their partner need a talk about division of labor and expectations. 

Also even if the LW has a full dinner in front of them, they don’t have to eat it all? Order healthier takeout. Eat smaller portions. That part of the letter seems a little silly to me. 

kerbohl

I'm with PP on the different portion sizes.  You don't have to eat exactly what your partner is eating!  I've had the opposite problem - my husband needs to eat more than I do, but feels bad about taking what he sees as extra portions.  And we talked about it and now he eats what he needs.  
Also, is the LW's partner already home from work when she comes home?  The way she phrased it it sounds like it.  I think my knee jerk reaction to that would be "I don't know, what are you making?"  

kerbohl

banana468 said:

Why.....can't you make meals of different portion sizes?  Or work on different ways to handle your eating? 

Last summer DH went on a low FODMAP diet and lost 40 lbs.   During that time I didn't eat the same diet as him.  He'd eat some veggies and a basic grilled protein and I'd add noodles - because I often ate something like a half a pb sandwich for lunch.

So talk to this guy and figure out options.   My first thought is reduce the portions of what you're eating or eliminate what packs on the lbs.    If that doesn't work, you'll both need to come up with compromises that don't overwhelm both of you and your kitchen. 

Question about that - a doctor recommended that hubby go on this for health issues, but not for weight loss.  He could actually stand to gain a few pounds.  Was the purpose of the FODMAP diet to lose, or did it just happen?  Can you do a FODMAP diet and find ways to gain weight?  Anyone who has an experience with this, I would love to have more info.  We're thinking of doing this after the pandemic.

MyNameIsNot

Take turns cooking. You each make what you want on your night. If you have too much, save the leftovers. Dude can eat leftovers if she doesn't make a hearty enough meal for him on her night. 

I don't understand how this is hard. Just like bored musings when life is on hold?

banana468

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

Why.....can't you make meals of different portion sizes?  Or work on different ways to handle your eating? 

Last summer DH went on a low FODMAP diet and lost 40 lbs.   During that time I didn't eat the same diet as him.  He'd eat some veggies and a basic grilled protein and I'd add noodles - because I often ate something like a half a pb sandwich for lunch.

So talk to this guy and figure out options.   My first thought is reduce the portions of what you're eating or eliminate what packs on the lbs.    If that doesn't work, you'll both need to come up with compromises that don't overwhelm both of you and your kitchen. 

Question about that - a doctor recommended that hubby go on this for health issues, but not for weight loss.  He could actually stand to gain a few pounds.  Was the purpose of the FODMAP diet to lose, or did it just happen?  Can you do a FODMAP diet and find ways to gain weight?  Anyone who has an experience with this, I would love to have more info.  We're thinking of doing this after the pandemic.

DH did it for digestion.   He has had issues including IBS for decades, took a daily prilosec and overall just wants to avoid the daily medications that aren't good if you start them at 50 forget if you had them at 30.

I think a lot of the loss is because when he went on the diet, he didn't drink beer or wine, didn't eat a lot of bread or eat a lot of pasta and added a lot more salads.   So if beer comes out and you're sipping bourbon, spaghetti and meatballs and cheesesteak sandwiches come out and are replaced by salads with grilled chicken, grilled tuna and veggies and maybe the occasional pork rinds, the diet changes.  He was really disciplined to stay on diet, walked during lunches and then the weight came off.   He's one of those guys who CAN lose weight when he portions and sticks to a diet.   He's also one of those guys who can look at me with ice cream in the corner of his mouth as he eats a 3rd Klondike bar for dinner.   

You can add weight with the low fodmap diet - but he was overweight to start with and that was a nice benefit.   I don't say this as someone trying to be judgmental.   I've told DH that I will love him no matter his size.   But he was (and technically still is) overweight.   When the diet started he was technically in the obese BMI.   And that's just a risky state when you have those diagnosed issues, need the heartburn meds and you're at 40.   Because I'll love him at any size and want him around for as long as possible.  

charlotte989875

1. You can cook/order in and not eat it
2. HE can cook/order in to meet his needs. 

3. You both can plan & prep meals ahead of time so no one asks “what’s for dinner”?
4. You can each cook for yourselves independently and control what you each have. 

All of these suggestions require you to actually talk to one another about what’s going on. 

kerbohl

banana468 said:

kerbohl said:

banana468 said:

Why.....can't you make meals of different portion sizes?  Or work on different ways to handle your eating? 

Last summer DH went on a low FODMAP diet and lost 40 lbs.   During that time I didn't eat the same diet as him.  He'd eat some veggies and a basic grilled protein and I'd add noodles - because I often ate something like a half a pb sandwich for lunch.

So talk to this guy and figure out options.   My first thought is reduce the portions of what you're eating or eliminate what packs on the lbs.    If that doesn't work, you'll both need to come up with compromises that don't overwhelm both of you and your kitchen. 

Question about that - a doctor recommended that hubby go on this for health issues, but not for weight loss.  He could actually stand to gain a few pounds.  Was the purpose of the FODMAP diet to lose, or did it just happen?  Can you do a FODMAP diet and find ways to gain weight?  Anyone who has an experience with this, I would love to have more info.  We're thinking of doing this after the pandemic.

DH did it for digestion.   He has had issues including IBS for decades, took a daily prilosec and overall just wants to avoid the daily medications that aren't good if you start them at 50 forget if you had them at 30.

I think a lot of the loss is because when he went on the diet, he didn't drink beer or wine, didn't eat a lot of bread or eat a lot of pasta and added a lot more salads.   So if beer comes out and you're sipping bourbon, spaghetti and meatballs and cheesesteak sandwiches come out and are replaced by salads with grilled chicken, grilled tuna and veggies and maybe the occasional pork rinds, the diet changes.  He was really disciplined to stay on diet, walked during lunches and then the weight came off.   He's one of those guys who CAN lose weight when he portions and sticks to a diet.   He's also one of those guys who can look at me with ice cream in the corner of his mouth as he eats a 3rd Klondike bar for dinner.   

You can add weight with the low fodmap diet - but he was overweight to start with and that was a nice benefit.   I don't say this as someone trying to be judgmental.   I've told DH that I will love him no matter his size.   But he was (and technically still is) overweight.   When the diet started he was technically in the obese BMI.   And that's just a risky state when you have those diagnosed issues, need the heartburn meds and you're at 40.   Because I'll love him at any size and want him around for as long as possible.  

My hubby needs to do it for digestion as well - they haven't diagnosed him with IBS, but haven't figured out why he has pain and issues.  He already eats a lot of salads and doesn't drink a lot of drinks that put on weight (aside from the almond milk, which I try to get unsweetened, but still ...), so maybe he won't lose too much.  

And I see where you are coming from on loving no matter what size. You just want your partner to be as healthy as possible so they can live as long as possible.  I tell hubby I'd like to see him exercise and eat more, but it's not because I don't find him attractive but so that he feels good.

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

1. You can cook/order in and not eat it
2. HE can cook/order in to meet his needs. 

3. You both can plan & prep meals ahead of time so no one asks “what’s for dinner”?
4. You can each cook for yourselves independently and control what you each have. 

All of these suggestions require you to actually talk to one another about what’s going on. 

Just a casual observation, my research comes from just seeing posts on FB, is that I never realized how many people don't meal plan...ever.  Like, how do you live in such chaos?  

When we pandemic shopped at the beginning without a menu and just bought what we could find, I was more anxious sitting in a house full of food with no plan on what I was going to do with it.  I make a menu before I make a shopping list.  I will see what's on sale in the ads to get menu ideas.  

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

1. You can cook/order in and not eat it
2. HE can cook/order in to meet his needs. 

3. You both can plan & prep meals ahead of time so no one asks “what’s for dinner”?
4. You can each cook for yourselves independently and control what you each have. 

All of these suggestions require you to actually talk to one another about what’s going on. 

Just a casual observation, my research comes from just seeing posts on FB, is that I never realized how many people don't meal plan...ever.  Like, how do you live in such chaos?  

When we pandemic shopped at the beginning without a menu and just bought what we could find, I was more anxious sitting in a house full of food with no plan on what I was going to do with it.  I make a menu before I make a shopping list.  I will see what's on sale in the ads to get menu ideas.  

I have loose ideas in my head for a menu.   But DH does the shopping and I do a lot of the meal making.   So I try to throw ideas at him like, "get beans and chicken and stock and meat"

And he usually comes home with what works.   The issue is that some of the inventory is picked over so I'll try to meal plan later (and go w/ the fresh stuff first).  

This weekend I really need to dig in and evaluate what we have now that he did Costco run #2 and we have a lot of veggies.

short+sassy

I'm also perplexed as to why in the world the LW feels they need to cook big, full meals every day for dinner.  So, that's Problem #1 and 95% of the problem!

@mrsconn23, My H and I rarely meal plan.  While I realize that would in some ways make things easier, it feels like too much work to do that.  But then, we also don't have kids we need to worry about feeding either.  We typically buy standard things for our go-to recipes and then figure out each night what we feel like having for dinner.  We also almost always cook enough to have leftovers for another 2-3 meals.  I'm also not understanding why the LW and her b/f don't make enough for leftovers.  That saves SO much time!

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

I'm also perplexed as to why in the world the LW feels they need to cook big, full meals every day for dinner.  So, that's Problem #1 and 95% of the problem!

@mrsconn23, My H and I rarely meal plan.  While I realize that would in some ways make things easier, it feels like too much work to do that.  But then, we also don't have kids we need to worry about feeding either.  We typically buy standard things for our go-to recipes and then figure out each night what we feel like having for dinner.  We also almost always cook enough to have leftovers for another 2-3 meals.  I'm also not understanding why the LW and her b/f don't make enough for leftovers.  That saves SO much time!

I'm a 'cook once, eat twice' person.  Especially when it comes to 'batch' recipes (like spaghetti, chili, soups, stews, etc.).  We eat a lot of leftovers for lunches. 

Casadena

@short+sassy we're the same way.  I never meal plan further than "oh chicken salad sounds good this week".  I like to make stuff up as I go and I do the shopping as well, so I always know what we have and things rarely go to waste.  That said, there are definitely nights that H and I are feeling different things, so I might make chicken but he will have pasta and i'll have a salad. 

IDK why this LW thinks they need to eat the same thing or her H can never cook for himself.  

maine7mob

If I came home from work and his first question was 'What are we eating?" my reply would be "What did you cook?" LW makes it sound as if her SO thinks it is exclusively her job to plan and make their meals. 

charlotte989875

maine7mob said:

If I came home from work and his first question was 'What are we eating?" my reply would be "What did you cook?" LW makes it sound as if her SO thinks it is exclusively her job to plan and make their meals. 

Totally agree!

I do most of the cooking because I like it more than H does. He does most (all now given the world) of the shopping. He does more cleaning that me. 

But when I’m busy, or working late, he cooks. Or ya know if he’s hungry. He also would NEVER say what are we eating. Since he does most of the shopping we’ve talked about what we need for the week. 

drunkenwitch

This whole dynamic is really messed up.  I do most of the cooking in our house because 1)I'm a better cook 2) I love to cook.  On the nights I don't want to cook SO is perfectly capable of fending for himself because he's a grown ass man who fed himself before I came along.  And if you aren't hungry, don't fucking eat, it's that simple. 

STARMOON44

I don’t understand letting men treat you as the maid. When he asks what’s for dinner the answer should at least half the time be “idk what are you making”?  And if you want to make grilled chicken and veggies, do that! Offer to make extra chicken and veggies for him, and he can cook himself a carb on the side if he wants. 

ILoveBeachMusic

@mrsconn23 I have never meal planned (except for when we have a house full of people)! We always have the staples on hand and meat in the freezer so we can pull together whatever recipes we want. Yes, we do batch cooking - sauce, chili, soup. I love to get at least 2 meals out of one prep!