Keep hanging out on zoom with your real friends.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My two roommates and I have worked from home since before the lockdown. They’ve always been very big on cuddling and spending time together, and so am I—with my own friends. But I am not friends with my roommates. They have been casually racist and homophobic toward me many times, though I’ve never felt comfortable calling them out. We share chores and make rent on time, so I’ve been keeping to myself and figured I’d move out in the fall.

Since the pandemic started, my roommates have amped up their efforts to make us one big happy family. They want me to join them on the couch for movie nights, to gossip about our sex lives, etc. I don’t want to. At all. It’s becoming more and more obvious that I wouldn’t want to hang out with them if they were truly the last people on Earth. But the “make do and mend” spirit of the pandemic is making me wonder if I should suck it up just to make them feel happy and needed. Should I swallow my discomfort? Or am I allowed to stay in my personal space like a sullen teenager and have karaoke night with my non-homophobic friends over Zoom?

—New Roommate Rules

banana468

If you're not compatible then don't hang out with them.  Be civil for the sake of the living arrangement and be social with those you want to be social. 

kerbohl

If it was just them not being the type of people you hang out with, my advice would be to throw them a bone and have maybe one or two nights a week were you watch a movie.  But with them being homophobic and racist?  Nah - keep doing what you are doing, LW.  Just tell them truthfully that your friends want to hang out every night on Zoom and you have a busy social calendar, even in a pandemic.  That's not being a sullen teenager.  I had a roommate that I didn't click with, and I never felt like a sullen teenager when I retreated to my room.  

downtondiva

I think "make do and mend" is more about practicalities like food and household items, not forcing yourself to be friends with people who make you uncomfortable and insult you. 

Pandemic or no pandemic, you are not obligated to be friends with your roommates. There is nothing wrong with choosing to hang out over Zoom with your own friends if that's what you feel better doing. 

charlotte989875

You’re don’t owe anything to people who are racist and homophobic. And pandemic or not you don’t need to spend time with people that are not your friends. 

short+sassy

I couldn't help myself but laughed a little at the line "It’s becoming more and more obvious that I wouldn’t want to hang out with them if they were truly the last people on Earth."  Because, well, yeah!  At least from a household perspective, they are about the only people on Earth for the LW to hang out with.

Just goes to show that being alone is better than bad company!  I agree with @kerbohl.  If this was more an issue of "they're fine, we're just not that close", I'd make the effort to be more social and hang out occasionally since they are reaching out.  But since the LW doesn't even like their personalities/characters because of the racism and homophobia, then they should just keep bean dipping/making excuses and stay to themselves.  I wouldn't be surprised if the roommates just chalk that up to the LW being an introvert and not necessarily connect the dots that the LW doesn't like them.

Overall, it sounds like the LW has been doing a good job of being cordial and polite, without being "friendly".  Nothing wrong with that and they should keep it up to at least keep peace in the household, until they can move out in fall.