Guest list dispute

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34

Hi everyone,


So my fiance and I are (hopefully) planning on getting married this fall. We initially had a set budget for our wedding and we had an equal amount of people we could invite. My fiance and I come from big families, so we got some push back from our parents on not inviting our extended families. 
My fiance and I told both our parents that if they wanted the extended family at our wedding, they would have to pay for it. My fiance's parents don't have much, so they are not able to invite any extended family. However, my parents were able to afford the extra cost, thus we sent out save the date cards to all my extended family that my parents are paying for. 
Initially, I thought my fiance was okay with this as we mutually agreed to have our parents pay for any additional guests, but he recently told me he feels upset that I will have my extended family there and not his. I have been trying to figure out a way to solve this. On one hand I want my fiance to be happy and on the other hand I don't think it's fair for my parents to uninvite the guests. I also really don't want to dip into our savings.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I would really appreciate some advice on this. 

Thanks!

Jen4948

He will have to get over being upset. You both started with a 100 guest list divided 50% between you, and you mutually agreed to appease your families. He and his family have no right to expect your family to foot the bill for a family reunion for his side.

You can say, "I sympathize, but at the same time, we cannot uninvite anyone from my side. If you want to invite more people from your side, you will have to come up with the funds. It is not reasonable to expect my parents to foot the entire bill. So your options now are to come to terms with the fact that there will be more people on my side than yours or to find some way to foot the bill for more people from your side without going into debt."

charlotte989875

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34 said:

Hi everyone,


So my fiance and I are (hopefully) planning on getting married this fall. We initially had a set budget for our wedding and we had an equal amount of people we could invite. My fiance and I come from big families, so we got some push back from our parents on not inviting our extended families. 
My fiance and I told both our parents that if they wanted the extended family at our wedding, they would have to pay for it. My fiance's parents don't have much, so they are not able to invite any extended family. However, my parents were able to afford the extra cost, thus we sent out save the date cards to all my extended family that my parents are paying for. 
Initially, I thought my fiance was okay with this as we mutually agreed to have our parents pay for any additional guests, but he recently told me he feels upset that I will have my extended family there and not his. I have been trying to figure out a way to solve this. On one hand I want my fiance to be happy and on the other hand I don't think it's fair for my parents to uninvite the guests. I also really don't want to dip into our savings.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I would really appreciate some advice on this. 

Thanks!

It’s a tough situation but I think you both need to maybe compromise here. You offered to open up your guest list possibly knowing that one side could afford it and not the other; that’s not a great way to start a marriage or the merging of two families. If having extended family present is important to your FI is there other ways to make room the in budget? Can you cut costs elsewhere to include the extended family? 

While it’s technically equal, the plan you came up with isn’t sitting well with your FI and I think you two need to find a way to move forward that you are both comfortable with. You clearly can’t go and uninvite guests (even if it would have been better to stick to the no extended family policy from the beginning) so the best path forward is to determine how you both can be happy with 1) the budget and 2) who is invited. 

Jen4948

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34 said:

I agree in someways with you both. The two big issues are that I don't want my fiance to be upset on our wedding day and I also don't want my parents to be unhappy.
We are paying for everything ourselves except for the extra guests my parents are paying for and my grandma also generously is paying for my hair and makeup (it is apart of our culture). Otherwise, a lot of it is DIY, including my dress (thrifted and altered), flowers, music, etc. 
Also, my parents don't make more money than his family. The difference is that in my culture weddings are extremely important, so my parents saved extra for months. At this point my parents have invited an extra 20 people. We definitely don't have the budget to invite another 20 people from my fiances side. 
Honestly we shouldn't have given our parents that option, and now the only thing I can think of is to just not send invitations to the extra people my parents invited, maybe send a sorry note? I feel like my fiance being happy is more important than how my parents feel. 

Unfortunately, not sending invitations to anyone who has received a save-the-date is rude, so that's not an option. A "sorry" note would only make things worse.

I agree that you shouldn't have caved to your parents, but having done so, your FI needs to do some compromising of his own. I think it would help if you agree to help defray the costs of an extra 20 people from his side using your savings, but otherwise, he either needs to help pay for them or stop being upset.

One other compromise: Please don't use your culture to justify all your decisions. It could upset him even more.

short+sassy

Unfortunately, it is considered extremely rude to invite people to an event and then disinvite them.  It could cause a lot of hard feelings and that would be understandable.  And a Save The Date (STD) is the same thing, etiquette-wise.  It is giving people a heads up for their own planning that they will be getting an invitation.

For lurkers, STDs aren't necessary at all.  If they are sent, they should only go to people you are 100% sure you want to invite.

I understand the dilemma and it's a shame you all can't go back in time!  But, to me, the bottom line is that this was your FI's mistake and he needs to get over it and live with it.  Or figure out how he can come up with enough money to invite the relatives he wants to invite.

If he changed his mind about the agreement that had been made, he should have said something BEFORE the STDs went out.  You shouldn't have to throw yourself under the bus with your parents and extended family because he didn't tell you soon enough that he changed his mind.  And he shouldn't expect you to do that either.

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34

I agree in someways with you both. The two big issues are that I don't want my fiance to be upset on our wedding day and I also don't want my parents to be unhappy.
We are paying for everything ourselves except for the extra guests my parents are paying for and my grandma also generously is paying for my hair and makeup (it is apart of our culture). Otherwise, a lot of it is DIY, including my dress (thrifted and altered), flowers, music, etc. 
Also, my parents don't make more money than his family. The difference is that in my culture weddings are extremely important, so my parents saved extra for months. At this point my parents have invited an extra 20 people. We definitely don't have the budget to invite another 20 people from my fiances side. 
Honestly we shouldn't have given our parents that option, and now the only thing I can think of is to just not send invitations to the extra people my parents invited, maybe send a sorry note? I feel like my fiance being happy is more important than how my parents feel. 

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually got the idea from lurking on the Knott and saw a  few people who told their parents to pay for extra guests. Guess it doesn't work for everyone lol
Ultimately I want my fiance to be happy, so I think the only reasonable thing to do is bite the bullet and dip into my savings.
Also @Jen4948 can I ask you why that is offensive? I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, its just that different cultures have different priorities and it's not necessarily a good or bad thing. Thanks!

Jen4948

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34 said:

Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually got the idea from lurking on the Knott and saw a  few people who told their parents to pay for extra guests. Guess it doesn't work for everyone lol
Ultimately I want my fiance to be happy, so I think the only reasonable thing to do is bite the bullet and dip into my savings.
Also @Jen4948 can I ask you why that is offensive? I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, its just that different cultures have different priorities and it's not necessarily a good or bad thing. Thanks!

It's not "offensive" per se, but he has as much right to have his cultural traditions honored at what is also his wedding as you do at yours.

If you dig your heels in too hard because of your culture, he might do the same and it could turn into a bone of contention which could make it hard to work out a mutually acceptable compromise. If it becomes necessary to not honor some of your cultural traditions in order to work out such a compromise, I would be prepared to do that.

knottie7228a9243a6c3e34

@Jen4948 thanks for explaining. You're totally right, I just never though of it that way.