Dear Prudence,
My husband has an extremely obnoxious habit that I have spoken to him about several times over the past five years. He will pick at his toenails while watching TV and then leave the remnants on the couch where he’s been sitting. I will periodically find large chunks of toenail clippings randomly on our couch, coffee table, and floor. It’s not often, but every few months I will find these lovely gifts. I have explained to him that it is disturbing and gross (and embarrassing if someone were to come over). I have politely requested that he do this in the bathroom. My requests have gone unnoticed and been ignored. I feel disrespected and grossed out. I have begun to passive-aggressively handle this by picking up the clippings whenever I find them and putting them in his coffee cup in the mornings. I know this is wrong, but I find some relief in making him discover his own toenail clippings in his coffee. What else can I do? How can I help him understand that this is neither acceptable nor fair to me?
—End of My Rope
This question showed up in my inbox well over a month ago, and I haven’t been able to answer it. I just keep turning this scenario over and over. The fact that the odds are now fairly good that you two are quarantined or sheltering in place together—well, let’s just say that you, dear letter writer, have been on my mind a lot. There’s part of me that thinks, “Look, almost every human being has at least one private habit that’s sort of disgusting and sort of comforting all in one, and shame isn’t a very useful tactic when it comes to changing behavior.” And then there’s part of me that thinks, “My God, how hard is it to clip your toenails over a trash can, after being reminded every couple of months for the past five years? What kind of careless Howard Hughes nonsense is this?”
The tools of the advice columnist are, generally, time, distance, and perspective. But I don’t have any surefire techniques for getting someone to pay attention after you’ve tried reminding them, explaining your feelings, reasoning with them, and pleading with them for half a decade. In your position, I might very well find myself tempted to do the exact same thing and feel simultaneously defeated and a certain thrill of vindictive pleasure. Is your husband an ordinarily reasonable, well-meaning person? If so, I’d try to see if I could use this escalation as an attempt to snatch up some sort of victory: “I need to admit defeat here. This has been so frustrating, and so unmanageable, that I’ve found myself putting your old toenail clippings in your coffee cup in an attempt to get your attention, because everything else I’ve done to that effect has failed miserably for the past five years. You know that it grosses me out; you know that I end up cleaning up after you, which I resent; and you know enough not to do it at work or in public—only in places where I’ll take care of it for you. I don’t feel proud or happy about my actions, but I don’t have any better ideas, so I’m asking for your help. I’m clearly missing something. What are you getting out of this? What’s going on inside of your head when you pull off your toenails and leave them on the table? Do you find yourself spacing out and forgetting what you’re doing? What do you think would be necessary to get this to change? I’m absolutely out of ideas. What do you suggest?”
That’s not to say he’s likely to immediately chirp: “I never thought of it like that. What a great idea! If I start doing [thing], I know this will never happen again.” Expect a few uncomfortable silences and some initial defensiveness, but hold out until he’s willing to offer up a solution or two of his own. You’ve done the heavy lifting for the past five years. I think it’s fair to ask him to take the lead now. Good luck. I’m rooting for you.