We can’t decide on a reception!

knottie8b7bdeddd279b9e7

We picked a day and then picked a venue. FH refused to talk budget until this weekend. He thought it would cost half what it realistically will cost MINIMUM. What are other options we can do. 

1) keep the traditional wedding with ceremony and reception with 200 guests
2) Elope with just family and then have a party 
3) destination wedding 
I’m not sure how I feel about eloping. I’ve waited 10 years for this day. A few years ago we talked about how we’d want our day to happen and I can’t get that day out of my head but I don’t know what else we can do that we both will agree to make it a special day! He wants what will make me happy but he also wants to save money and put towards a new house. But if we do the way I want it also not far for him. Any other ideas?

MyNameIsNot

knottie8b7bdeddd279b9e7 said:

We picked a day and then picked a venue. FH refused to talk budget until this weekend. He thought it would cost half what it realistically will cost MINIMUM. What are other options we can do. 

1) keep the traditional wedding with ceremony and reception with 200 guests
2) Elope with just family and then have a party 
3) destination wedding 
I’m not sure how I feel about eloping. I’ve waited 10 years for this day. A few years ago we talked about how we’d want our day to happen and I can’t get that day out of my head but I don’t know what else we can do that we both will agree to make it a special day! He wants what will make me happy but he also wants to save money and put towards a new house. But if we do the way I want it also not far for him. Any other ideas?

What do you mean by picked a day? You just decided on the day you want to get married, or you booked a ceremony? What do you mean you picked a venue? Did you sign a contract and pay a deposit? Or just decide on something you think you'd want? 

Why would your FI refuse to talk budget? Why would you make assumptions about what you can spend without figuring out what you can comfortably afford? 

It honestly sounds like you two have some trouble communicating. The first thing you should do is sit down together, go over finances, and decide on a budget that you're both happy with. If he thinks budget is only his decision, don't marry him. You both need to make financial decisions together. Part of that conversation should be deciding whether you'd rather wait a while to save up for something larger.

Once you've decided the budget, you decide on what type of wedding you want. It doesn't matter what you talked about years ago before you were engaged; that was just daydreaming. Now that it's real, it's a different conversation. A traditional wedding doesn't have to be 200 guests and it doesn't have to be super-expensive, but you do need to get on the same page about what you both want. Part of the type of the wedding is how many people. And no, it doesn't matter what I want or what anyone else on this forum wants. This is a decision that you need to make with your FI. 

Only then, once you have a budget, rough guest list, and "vision" do you start shopping for venues and looking for dates that fit. 

short+sassy

I also find it concerning he was so reticent to talk about the budget.  There are going to be many, many, many financial decisions to make together after you all are married.  He NEEDS to be more open to talking about money.  At any rate, that's another discussion I recommend you have with him.

I'm surprised that your choices seem to be almost "all or none".  What about something more in the middle?  Like, instead of 200 guests, you all invite 100 guests.  I might be wrong, but I'm going to take a stab at why there is a 200-person guest list.  You both have large families and everyone is going to be "hurt" if their not invited?  Nope!  No one "deserves" an invitation to your all's wedding and if they are upset by that, that's on them.  One way to more equitably do this is "invite in circles".  For example, invite all the aunts and uncles, but none of the first cousins.

There are a lot of ways to cut down on expenses for a wedding.  But the choice that has the largest impact is limiting the guest list.

Something else to keep in mind is that while, yes, your all's wedding day is important.  It's important and special because that is the day you all are getting married.  Not because you all threw a big, blow-out reception.  I know it's sometimes hard to take the emotion out of an exciting time and milestone event.  But think logically about how to best spend a big chunk of money.

Think about the budget you all need for the wedding you want.  That is money you are spending for a one-day party.  Questions for you and your FI to ask yourselves:  How long does it take us to save that kind of money?  Do we want to allocate X number of months/years of savings to our reception?  What does our longer-term financial future look like if we reduce that budget by X and use the rest for a house down payment/retirement savings/debt pay down/etc.?

Now the hard part!  You all are probably going to have a different amount for what you all think its worth to spend on a reception.  At least it's a good exercise in compromise and hopefully coming to an answer that you are both happy with.  Good luck!

banana468

I'm going to echo the others.

-Did you clear the date with your officiant and the VIPs?  How did you arrive at this?  Is it booked? 
-Is the venue booked?  Does it have a minimum?  What do you get for it? 

I think at this point you both need to figure out what your guest list is, what you want to do to host and figure out how much you can spend.   There are even some wedding planning guides out there to help you determine things.   But the first is determining exactly how much money you have to spend on the thing so you can figure out what that gets you.   Getting a venue before the budget unless its free is like putting the cart before the horse.