They're definitely clueless

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I have been fat all of my adult life. I finally decided to stop dieting, as the cycle of losing and regaining weight over and over wreaks havoc on my body. I am working hard to lose the decades of deep shame about my body. Recently I have experienced so many incidences of straight-size/thin people talking to me about their fears of gaining weight during “lockdown.” Some friends, some neighbors out on a walk—it’s always a bit of a shock to me when this happens. Do they somehow not notice I am fat? Do they think that because I’m fat, I’m especially concerned about their weight? Are they just clueless?

I can never come up with a good response because I am always so surprised. What can I say the next time this happens? I don’t want to go nuclear on anyone, just gently encourage them to shift their perspective. I also hope that if any of your thin readers feel the need to talk about their fears around gaining weight, they don’t choose their fat friends and neighbors for that conversation.

—Unwelcome Weight Loss Talk

banana468

Maybe they are clueless or maybe they aren't?  Maybe those who fear gaining weight are also seeing someone who accepts their body for what it is? 

But there are so many ways that this conversation can go horribly wrong that I would not ever bring up size unless I knew that person intimately and we had a conversation about our own body images, size, struggles, etc before. 

VarunaTT

I feel for LW, b/c I know how this feels.  But unless it's something that is happening more than once with one person, I honestly would just let it slide.

K's mom is stick thin with very few curves, no boobs, maybe 115 pounds and 5'3.  She constantly complains about her weight.  I am 211 and 5'5 with lots of curves.  K is 150 and 5'7" with lots of muscle and curves.  K struggles with body issues b/c K is bigger than their mom...who struggles with their body issues.  I struggle with my own body issues, but you add K and my age difference and body difference in and there's some things we have to work through together about our bodies.  B/c of me supporting K and K supporting me as beautiful at any size, K finally had the courage to tell her mother to stop complaining about her weight and knocking herself and what those complaints had created in K's body image.  K's mom was really upset and really worked on improving those comments and her own body image...at almost 60.

All to say, it's a damn hard journey and I think that you really have to decide if it's worth it.  K's mom....yes.  Random friend you maybe see/talk to once every few months?  Not really.

Casadena

How in depth are these people getting?  I can't imagine neighbors are doing anything more than "oh, time for our walk, don't want to gain that quarantine 15".  If it's that sort of thing, I think LW is overreacting.  It's easy to say "good lukc with that!" and keep walking. If you'd prefer not to talk about this with friends, just tell them that.  

Also, LW is fat and struggling with gaining weight.  Friends might be thin, and struggling with gaining weight.  They're both allowed to feel uncomfortable and want to talk to their friends about it.  You dont' have to if you'd rather not, but just tell them that.  I think LW is reading way too much into these comments and conversations. 

cupcait927

VarunaTT said:

I feel for LW, b/c I know how this feels.  But unless it's something that is happening more than once with one person, I honestly would just let it slide.

K's mom is stick thin with very few curves, no boobs, maybe 115 pounds and 5'3.  She constantly complains about her weight.  I am 211 and 5'5 with lots of curves.  K is 150 and 5'7" with lots of muscle and curves.  K struggles with body issues b/c K is bigger than their mom...who struggles with their body issues.  I struggle with my own body issues, but you add K and my age difference and body difference in and there's some things we have to work through together about our bodies.  B/c of me supporting K and K supporting me as beautiful at any size, K finally had the courage to tell her mother to stop complaining about her weight and knocking herself and what those complaints had created in K's body image.  K's mom was really upset and really worked on improving those comments and her own body image...at almost 60.

All to say, it's a damn hard journey and I think that you really have to decide if it's worth it.  K's mom....yes.  Random friend you maybe see/talk to once every few months?  Not really.

Was K upset about her mom's complaints because K views her mom as thin and thinks that there's no reason to complain? Or was it because it was her mom and someone she looks up to, thus if K's mom was unhappy with her own body, it would mean she wasn't happy with K's body?

VarunaTT

@cupcait927 I think K looked at their mom as having such a "perfect" body b/c of the thiness and mom was complaining, so K looked at their body...which is bigger and curvier and felt even worse b/c if mom's wasn't perfect how could K's be.

ETA:  the best example I can think of is the butt conversation.  K's mom liked to say that she has a huge butt.  She doesn't.  She's just tiny (I mean frame wise, she's just a smaller lady) and she doesn't have much of a butt.  K...has an awesome butt...but comparatively to their mother, there's some junk in the trunk on K, not their mother.  So, in comparing, if K's mom thought their butt was fat and here's K with a much larger but, K is therefore "fatter'.

cupcait927

VarunaTT said:

@cupcait927 I think K looked at their mom as having such a "perfect" body b/c of the thiness and mom was complaining, so K looked at their body...which is bigger and curvier and felt even worse b/c if mom's wasn't perfect how could K's be.

ETA:  the best example I can think of is the butt conversation.  K's mom liked to say that she has a huge butt.  She doesn't.  She's just tiny (I mean frame wise, she's just a smaller lady) and she doesn't have much of a butt.  K...has an awesome butt...but comparatively to their mother, there's some junk in the trunk on K, not their mother.  So, in comparing, if K's mom thought their butt was fat and here's K with a much larger but, K is therefore "fatter'.

Gotcha. I do think as a parent, K's mom could reframe her language. Everyone is entitled to not like parts of themselves. I'm not much bigger than K's mom and I certainly have parts that I don't like - it's human nature and her mom's concerns shouldn't be dismissed because she's got what others think is a perfect body. To her mom it's not perfect. However, her daughter isn't the appropriate audience because of exactly how it made K feel. I complain about my body a lot and now that I have a kid, once she gets older and can hear what I'm saying, I'll need to be more careful of what I say in front her so I don't make her feel bad about her body. I'm glad that K was able to talk to her mom about it and her mom was receptive.

climbingsingle

I think this is just something a lot of people are discussing. People at work were talking about it before we were all were sent home. I've seen it on social media again and again. As someone that's suffered from an ED, I try to shut down talk of it as well, in the nicest way possible. 

short+sassy

Casadena said:

How in depth are these people getting?  I can't imagine neighbors are doing anything more than "oh, time for our walk, don't want to gain that quarantine 15".  If it's that sort of thing, I think LW is overreacting.  It's easy to say "good lukc with that!" and keep walking. If you'd prefer not to talk about this with friends, just tell them that.  

Also, LW is fat and struggling with gaining weight.  Friends might be thin, and struggling with gaining weight.  They're both allowed to feel uncomfortable and want to talk to their friends about it.  You dont' have to if you'd rather not, but just tell them that.  I think LW is reading way too much into these comments and conversations. 

Even as a really overweight person myself, I totally agree with this.  As a society, I appreciate the movement of people loving their bodies however they are.  But this is also a very new swing in a culture that has always been NOTORIOUS for their negative and FALSE views of people who are overweight and have idolized being thin.

People, especially women, worry about their weight...no matter what size they are...because that is what society has taught us to do.  I doubt any of these comments are pointedly directed at the LW.  It's people solely talking about themselves and what they are worried about. 

Pardon me for having to share my journey, but I feel the need, lol.

I was a bit overweight (by about 30 lbs.) and chubby as a teenager.  It was frustrating to eat much healthier and more low calorie foods than all my friends, but still not have a perfect figure like they did.  Oh, but we ALL complained about how fat we were.  All the time.  What I didn't know and wouldn't find out for years is my thyroid barely functioned.

Then, when I was 19, I went on a hard-core 900-calorie diet and worked out for one hour, 5 days/week.  When I got close to my goal weight, I went on a permanent maintenance diet of 1200-calories/day.  Still working out one hour, 5 days/week.  Everything I'd read said 1200 calories/day wasn't enough for me, at my age and height.  But I gained weight if I regularly ate more than that, so it must be fine.  And, quite frankly, I didn't give a s**t if it wasn't.  Because I was smokin' hot and could wear the cutest clothes.

I was finally thin!  (My younger self):  Weellll...I was almost "thin".  I mean, sure I'm a size 3 now, but my thighs are STILL too big.  If I could just lose another 10 lbs., I bet they'd finally be thin also.  Just another 10 lbs.  I could get down to a size 1.  And I'd be UNDER 100 lbs.!!!  How awesome would all of that be!!!

Oh, younger self.  You were eating healthy, working out regularly, and were a healthy weight.  I hate that you still felt it wasn't "good enough".

MyNameIsNot

VarunaTT said:

@cupcait927 I think K looked at their mom as having such a "perfect" body b/c of the thiness and mom was complaining, so K looked at their body...which is bigger and curvier and felt even worse b/c if mom's wasn't perfect how could K's be.

ETA:  the best example I can think of is the butt conversation.  K's mom liked to say that she has a huge butt.  She doesn't.  She's just tiny (I mean frame wise, she's just a smaller lady) and she doesn't have much of a butt.  K...has an awesome butt...but comparatively to their mother, there's some junk in the trunk on K, not their mother.  So, in comparing, if K's mom thought their butt was fat and here's K with a much larger but, K is therefore "fatter'.

This is so common and makes me so sad. Growing up, my mom was about a size 6 and constantly complained about how fat she was. (She's 5'10, 6 is slender). Her body issues are real; she constantly thinks about her size, diet, exercise and ties it to her worth as a human. As a child and teen, I didn't understand that her obsession was psychological, but I did understand that if she was so fat as a size 6, that I must be disgusting at the same size but shorter. And of course I internalized all of that and continue to have body issues as does my sister. Now my mom and sister sit around and talk about how fat they are (they're not) and obsess over dieting while my 3 year old niece watches on. How long until she picks that up? (Not that men and boys are immune, but I don't see my dad talking about how fat his ass is with anyone.) 

STARMOON44

MyNameIsNot said:

VarunaTT said:

@cupcait927 I think K looked at their mom as having such a "perfect" body b/c of the thiness and mom was complaining, so K looked at their body...which is bigger and curvier and felt even worse b/c if mom's wasn't perfect how could K's be.

ETA:  the best example I can think of is the butt conversation.  K's mom liked to say that she has a huge butt.  She doesn't.  She's just tiny (I mean frame wise, she's just a smaller lady) and she doesn't have much of a butt.  K...has an awesome butt...but comparatively to their mother, there's some junk in the trunk on K, not their mother.  So, in comparing, if K's mom thought their butt was fat and here's K with a much larger but, K is therefore "fatter'.

This is so common and makes me so sad. Growing up, my mom was about a size 6 and constantly complained about how fat she was. (She's 5'10, 6 is slender). Her body issues are real; she constantly thinks about her size, diet, exercise and ties it to her worth as a human. As a child and teen, I didn't understand that her obsession was psychological, but I did understand that if she was so fat as a size 6, that I must be disgusting at the same size but shorter. And of course I internalized all of that and continue to have body issues as does my sister. Now my mom and sister sit around and talk about how fat they are (they're not) and obsess over dieting while my 3 year old niece watches on. How long until she picks that up? (Not that men and boys are immune, but I don't see my dad talking about how fat his ass is with anyone.) 

She’s already picking it up. It starts so young. I truly think parents should never complain about their bodies in front if their kids. Just never ever do it. You manage to not talk about the kind of sex you like having in front of them, you can manage to not talk about hating your thighs. 

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

VarunaTT said:

@cupcait927 I think K looked at their mom as having such a "perfect" body b/c of the thiness and mom was complaining, so K looked at their body...which is bigger and curvier and felt even worse b/c if mom's wasn't perfect how could K's be.

ETA:  the best example I can think of is the butt conversation.  K's mom liked to say that she has a huge butt.  She doesn't.  She's just tiny (I mean frame wise, she's just a smaller lady) and she doesn't have much of a butt.  K...has an awesome butt...but comparatively to their mother, there's some junk in the trunk on K, not their mother.  So, in comparing, if K's mom thought their butt was fat and here's K with a much larger but, K is therefore "fatter'.

This is so common and makes me so sad. Growing up, my mom was about a size 6 and constantly complained about how fat she was. (She's 5'10, 6 is slender). Her body issues are real; she constantly thinks about her size, diet, exercise and ties it to her worth as a human. As a child and teen, I didn't understand that her obsession was psychological, but I did understand that if she was so fat as a size 6, that I must be disgusting at the same size but shorter. And of course I internalized all of that and continue to have body issues as does my sister. Now my mom and sister sit around and talk about how fat they are (they're not) and obsess over dieting while my 3 year old niece watches on. How long until she picks that up? (Not that men and boys are immune, but I don't see my dad talking about how fat his ass is with anyone.) 

She’s already picking it up. It starts so young. I truly think parents should never complain about their bodies in front if their kids. Just never ever do it. You manage to not talk about the kind of sex you like having in front of them, you can manage to not talk about hating your thighs. 

Preach! 

charlotte989875

Honestly; I think people may be doing this to LW because she’s fat. People who are fat become the place where thin people can often dump their frustrations about size and body issues because it’s assumed they’ll understand.*

LW doesn’t have to be that for anyone and should just start shutting these conversations down. 


*Obviously I’m over-generalizing here but there is so much fatphobia in the world it’s ridiculously sad. I’m straight sized but have heard so many awful things that plus-size and self-identifier fat friends have heard from thin/straight sized folks it’s horrible. 

CharmedPam

I agree with @climbingwife.  I think this is something on everyones minds.  My thin coworker told me she had to eat better and get out more since staying home and I thought nothing of it.  One of my friends said she is eating all her kids’ candy and needs to stop drinking/strict diet (but she also struggles with her weight) and again, didnt feel she told me because I was in the fat group either.  A bunch of meme’s online with this and its just something we’re more aware of since some of us now have more freedom to make fridge trips. 

banana468

That's what I'm trying to get at.   More people are commenting that they have changed sizes or are concerned that they are either finding no time to exercise, that they are stress eating or drinking or that they see changes in appearance while they are in quarantine.   On my 40th birthday I found a VERY LONG gray hair and I don't color it.   We're all our own worst critics!

To that point - I think we sometimes don't get out of own bubbles.  And we need to be aware that our words matter to more than just ourselves.   But my concern that my size 4 pants may stop fitting is still a *real* concern even if I'm not at an unhealthy BMI at size 6.   Sometimes we need to walk a better line at showing our own internal concerns and inner monologues while also ensuring that size isn't a primary value in others.