People being dismissive/ ignoring our COVID-cancelled wedding

knottiee031996a08ad61cc

Anyone else's family and friends been really dismissive about COVID-cancelled weddings?

We've had so many people say that it "doesn't matter." 

I know that being healthy and safe is most important. 100%. We're together, and that's what matters. 

But we had to cancel our $15,000 wedding, and two major vendors (venue and caterer) won't offer refunds and can't line up schedules for over a year. We had wedding insurance but they aren't paying anything. 

We're going to the courthouse so I don't lose health insurance, and getting married IS what matters most, but we'll never be able to afford a wedding. Even if we did, everyone has pointed out that it wouldn't be "real" so it wouldn't "matter." 

I don't know. We didn't choose to elope willynilly. We didn't CHOOSE to cancel our wedding. It sucks, especially considering all these people had justifiably obsessed about their own weddings for a year or more, sometimes before they were even engaged. 

banana468

knottiee031996a08ad61cc said:

Anyone else's family and friends been really dismissive about COVID-cancelled weddings?

We've had so many people say that it "doesn't matter." 

I know that being healthy and safe is most important. 100%. We're together, and that's what matters. 

But we had to cancel our $15,000 wedding, and two major vendors (venue and caterer) won't offer refunds and can't line up schedules for over a year. We had wedding insurance but they aren't paying anything. 

We're going to the courthouse so I don't lose health insurance, and getting married IS what matters most, but we'll never be able to afford a wedding. Even if we did, everyone has pointed out that it wouldn't be "real" so it wouldn't "matter." 

I don't know. We didn't choose to elope willynilly. We didn't CHOOSE to cancel our wedding. It sucks, especially considering all these people had justifiably obsessed about their own weddings for a year or more, sometimes before they were even engaged. 

You have every right to feel sad about your decisions.

The issue right now is a big lesson and on a larger scale than most couple experience which is the reality that most people aren't going to care as much about your wedding as you do. 

I remember getting married and being upset when people would not mail their response cards or why they didn't take the favors or wondering why some people had such opinions.   

Now that we're in the middle of a global pandemic everything is exacerbated.   And right now it isn't just you and the wedding that are affected financially.   People are out of work and some don't know when they'll go back.   Others are retired but lost such significant portions of their retirement savings they fear they may need to go back to work to supplement living expenses or they'll be out of money before they die.  Others are fearing not just for their economic survival but for their actual survival based on their health, underlying co-morbidities or their jobs.   

This does not mean that your situation isn't real and isn't significant.   But right now you're probably one of many who are affected. 

Similarly, there are thousands of graduates who don't get to have a ceremony (i understand that cost is different here).   But they STILL get to graduate and have their HS/College/graduate degrees.  You're going to be able to get married.   It won't be how you envisioned but it's showing you what the real priority is here.   

Mourn this loss as it's truly significant both in financial and emotional in its toll.   But if you are not getting an outpouring of sympathy please know that right now you're in a very large club of people who are feeling the impacts of this pandemic. 

knottiee031996a08ad61cc

Thank you for your amazing reply! 

I do agree. We're in a hard financial place, though not as bad as many.  We don't expect everyone's lives to revolve around us or to have people checking in and asking if we're okay or anything, we just felt people have been pretty awful when we reached out to tell them or if they brought it up since. 

I think what's made me so angry is that people are offering this up on their own when we tell them. "Oh it doesn't matter, you'll be married."

Of course it matters, like you said, just like it matters that people don't get to walk at graduation or have their prom, or that new moms don't get to have family visiting. It matters for everyone who has lost a milestone (even something smaller like a big birthday). And I'm frustrated seeing people act like it isn't. 

charlotte989875

knottiee031996a08ad61cc said:

Thank you for your amazing reply! 

I do agree. We're in a hard financial place, though not as bad as many.  We don't expect everyone's lives to revolve around us or to have people checking in and asking if we're okay or anything, we just felt people have been pretty awful when we reached out to tell them or if they brought it up since. 

I think what's made me so angry is that people are offering this up on their own when we tell them. "Oh it doesn't matter, you'll be married."

Of course it matters, like you said, just like it matters that people don't get to walk at graduation or have their prom, or that new moms don't get to have family visiting. It matters for everyone who has lost a milestone (even something smaller like a big birthday). And I'm frustrated seeing people act like it isn't. 

It definitely matters and I think it sucks people are just offering that up unprompted. Of course it matters, and of course it sucks. And you deserve to grieve and feel that. I honestly think people don’t really know how to handle any of what we’re going through right now as a country. 

I’m pregnant (with my first/only child). We won’t have a shower, people won’t be able to see the baby, my prenatal care is different. There’s so much I can’t do now. And it sucks. It’s not at all how I thought this would go. And I get super frustrated when people are like “you’ll be fine, we all made it through”. Yes, except you have no idea what it’s like to go through this in a global pandemic with no end in sight. The “everything will be fine once the baby is here” drives me bananas because it’s just not helpful. 

I think sometimes the best thing people can say is “that sucks, I’m sorry you had to cancel or change plans”. 

So, OP. That sucks and I’m sorry. 

banana468

knottiee031996a08ad61cc said:

Thank you for your amazing reply! 

I do agree. We're in a hard financial place, though not as bad as many.  We don't expect everyone's lives to revolve around us or to have people checking in and asking if we're okay or anything, we just felt people have been pretty awful when we reached out to tell them or if they brought it up since. 

I think what's made me so angry is that people are offering this up on their own when we tell them. "Oh it doesn't matter, you'll be married."

Of course it matters, like you said, just like it matters that people don't get to walk at graduation or have their prom, or that new moms don't get to have family visiting. It matters for everyone who has lost a milestone (even something smaller like a big birthday). And I'm frustrated seeing people act like it isn't. 

People can be frustrating though.

I remember when I talked about our Catholic wedding my own Godmother commented that no one cares about the church part.   It infuriated me at the time.   Now I take her opinion w/ a grain of salt but understand that it was going to matter more to me than to her. 

So roll with it a bit.   Some people aren't great at empathy and others are wrapped up in a lot right now.  

knottiee031996a08ad61cc

Charlotte-- so sorry you don't get to have a baby shower, and that this special time has been altered for you as well. Everyone deserves to celebrate these milestones as they'd always imagined. 

I'm wishing you a happy, safe pregnancy and a wonderful healthy bundle of joy! 

Jen4948

I'm very sorry.

I have something like that of my own to deal with. Later this year I will be observing (not sure that "celebrating" is the right word) a milestone birthday, and I am dealing with the fact that it won't get to be the occasion I had hoped for because of the coronavirus. The best I can hope for is a Zoom party, and even then I tend to get sidelined a lot because of the way my relatives like to talk about and dwell on certain topics on which I have little or nothing to contribute. I'm trying to decide if it's even worth it.

While I agree that nobody else will feel as enthusiastic as you do about your own special occasions like your wedding, I also agree that other people's dismissiveness is hurtful.

short+sassy

I'm so sorry, OP!  You all did everything right, including having wedding insurance...don't get me started on the fine print that makes these and travel insurance policies apparently useless...but will still be taking a heavy financial toll even though you're not having the wedding/reception you'd been planning for.  I can understand it's bitterly disappointing.

The best light I can put on what some of your friends/family have said is they might be trying to make you feel better, by pointing out that you'll still be getting married, which is joyful and wonderful in its own right.  Not realizing that their attitude is coming off indifferent to your all's loss, which just makes you feel worse.

As for the people who said you shouldn't have a party later because it wouldn't be "real" and "wouldn't matter", they can just go take a long hike off a short pier.  Why would anyone even say that to someone who is sad about what's happened.  It's fine if they think that, they can just choose not to go to a later party if they don't want to, but it's unnecessarily hurtful to say it.  I do hugely side-eye people that lie to their guests and pretend they are getting married, when they actually did it on an earlier date.  But that's not what you all would be doing.  People would already know you're married and a party would be a later celebration of it.  It's totally different, especially for all the couples who had to postpone/cancel the original plans they had for their wedding.

At any rate, if having a celebration later is something you and your FI want to do, go for it.  Especially if you can roll your deposits over to whatever date your caterer/venue can do.  Even if it is over one year from now.  I'm sure most of your guests will love to celebrate with you all.  I know I would if I had a friend in a similar situation.