Wedding Woes

DTMFA

Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend is a heterosexual man, and I’m a cisgender woman. We’re both in our 20s. Because of quarantine, we’re in each other’s space all the time, and I noticed he had wigs and women’s clothing. I didn’t want to snoop, so I asked him what was going on. We got into a huge fight where he said I had snooped and was invading his privacy. I said I hadn’t and that he wasn’t being as sneaky as he thought he was. He said that I had betrayed his trust and called me names. I was so shocked, because I wasn’t even upset that he cross-dresses. It’s not a big deal. I just wish he didn’t have to hide it. I’m sure he was caught off-guard from being discovered, and I’m guessing that because of the stigma he hoped no one would find out (something that seems impossible to me, considering we live in a one-bedroom apartment).

Since then, we have been able to talk a bit more, and he even showed me some pictures. It turns out he had been wearing my lingerie and taking pictures in it. This is the part that upset me. He yelled at me about an invasion of privacy, but he found it perfectly acceptable to go through my drawers and help himself. The whole thing has been pretty shocking overall. I want to support him and for him to be comfortable sharing if he wants to. But he now thinks that I think he is gay (I don’t) and that I’m disgusted by him (I’m not). How do I approach something like this? I want him to feel loved and safe, but I also know we need to draw boundaries together and find out what we are both comfortable with.

—Too Close for Comfort

Re: DTMFA

  • Boyfriend needs to deal with some personal stuff not because he’s wearing women’s clothes, but because he shouldn’t be yelling and calling you names for asking about what you found. He also shouldn’t be taking your underwear (especially given how he reacted to you being in his) without you knowing or giving permission. That’s a boundary he’s crossed as well. 
    ei34
  • The fact that he took your lingerie without asking if you were okay with it is enough for me to say it's time to break up.
    image
  • If anyone touched my lingerie, I'd be pissed too. Theft is theft
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Boyfriend was comfortable taking your private things without consent for his sexual pleasure but outraged when you noticed. Boy bye. 
    Yup.   This isn't about finding anything.  It's that he got caught using things without permission and is now shifting the blame.

    I don't care what his sexuality is.   Do not stay in a relationship with someone who is not able to take responsibility for his actions and makes you feel bad when he's betrayed your trust.   This is someone who is going to be a problem all the time. 
    short+sassy
  • So, verbal abuse.  And a man-child who directs anger at innocent parties when he does something wrong.  Get out, LW.  Get out!

    It would even be a favor to him, lol.  He can give himself the excuse that you left him because he is a cross-dresser so, yet again, he doesn't have to look at his own behavior as being the real cause.

    I'm curious about what their living situation was before the pandemic.  It sounds like the LW wasn't living there previously.  If so, I wonder if they can go back to where they were living.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I was sympathetic to the boyfriend up until the taking HER lingerie part and the name calling.  People get hung up about cross dressing (which is one of the most harmless kinks on the planet) so I get his fear.

    BUT

    The cross dressing is not the issue here.  His inability to communicate like an adult and own his shit is the problem.   I agree.  DTMFA.

    banana468mrsconn23OliveOilsMom
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