Etiquette around uninviting people who outed themselves as militant racists

aisfora86

I know that traditional etiquette is that once you have invited someone, you cannot uninvite. And I would never dream of doing so in normal circumstances. HOWEVER, a formerly good friend of mine recently got engaged to her fiance who happens to be a cop, and has been militant about posting brutal posts on social media that are extremely racist and pro-police brutality. Some friends of ours have posted in response to this, trying to point out that police brutality shouldn't ever be an answer, etc. and have been met with her deleting their comments and/or referring to them as unstable, etc. 

I am not interested in remaining friends with her and her fiance. My family is very diverse. My fiance is Jewish, my cousins are black, and Chinese, Caucasian, Mexican, Christian, non-Christian, etc. And even if I didn't come from such a diverse family, this would be just as important to me.

We were supposed to get married in May this year and had sent out save the dates in October and Invitations right before Covid started, so she and her fiance were already invited to the wedding. We've postponed to next May and will be sending out another small invitation and reminder next Spring for everyone to RSVP to the May 2021 wedding. We are keeping our guest list the same, and everything about the wedding the same, but I do not want them there. Racism and promoting violence against people of color is something that I just can't tolerate in my life.  Regardless of etiquette, I am uninviting them. But what is the best way to go about this? Thoughts?

thunder_bride

Sounds like all you need to do is not send them the second reminder/invite. If they ask, just say you had to downside and decided to have an intimate event instead.

MyNameIsNot

aisfora86 said:

I know that traditional etiquette is that once you have invited someone, you cannot uninvite. And I would never dream of doing so in normal circumstances. HOWEVER, a formerly good friend of mine recently got engaged to her fiance who happens to be a cop, and has been militant about posting brutal posts on social media that are extremely racist and pro-police brutality. Some friends of ours have posted in response to this, trying to point out that police brutality shouldn't ever be an answer, etc. and have been met with her deleting their comments and/or referring to them as unstable, etc. 

I am not interested in remaining friends with her and her fiance. My family is very diverse. My fiance is Jewish, my cousins are black, and Chinese, Caucasian, Mexican, Christian, non-Christian, etc. And even if I didn't come from such a diverse family, this would be just as important to me.

We were supposed to get married in May this year and had sent out save the dates in October and Invitations right before Covid started, so she and her fiance were already invited to the wedding. We've postponed to next May and will be sending out another small invitation and reminder next Spring for everyone to RSVP to the May 2021 wedding. We are keeping our guest list the same, and everything about the wedding the same, but I do not want them there. Racism and promoting violence against people of color is something that I just can't tolerate in my life.  Regardless of etiquette, I am uninviting them. But what is the best way to go about this? Thoughts?

So there really isn't etiquette for this. There doesn't really need to be. Sometimes things matter more than etiquette. These people don't deserve to be treated politely. 

I would either just not send an invitation, or if you think it's needed, send her an email telling her you're ending your relationship and requesting no further contact, but not refer specifically to the wedding. 

Also, I would think about taking some screen shots. As [some] police departments are trying to reform themselves and looking to clean up some of the cancer within their ranks, they are looking to weed people like this out. His employer may be interested to see that this is how he's representing both himself and the department online. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

aisfora86 said:

I know that traditional etiquette is that once you have invited someone, you cannot uninvite. And I would never dream of doing so in normal circumstances. HOWEVER, a formerly good friend of mine recently got engaged to her fiance who happens to be a cop, and has been militant about posting brutal posts on social media that are extremely racist and pro-police brutality. Some friends of ours have posted in response to this, trying to point out that police brutality shouldn't ever be an answer, etc. and have been met with her deleting their comments and/or referring to them as unstable, etc. 

I am not interested in remaining friends with her and her fiance. My family is very diverse. My fiance is Jewish, my cousins are black, and Chinese, Caucasian, Mexican, Christian, non-Christian, etc. And even if I didn't come from such a diverse family, this would be just as important to me.

We were supposed to get married in May this year and had sent out save the dates in October and Invitations right before Covid started, so she and her fiance were already invited to the wedding. We've postponed to next May and will be sending out another small invitation and reminder next Spring for everyone to RSVP to the May 2021 wedding. We are keeping our guest list the same, and everything about the wedding the same, but I do not want them there. Racism and promoting violence against people of color is something that I just can't tolerate in my life.  Regardless of etiquette, I am uninviting them. But what is the best way to go about this? Thoughts?

So there really isn't etiquette for this. There doesn't really need to be. Sometimes things matter more than etiquette. These people don't deserve to be treated politely. 

I would either just not send an invitation, or if you think it's needed, send her an email telling her you're ending your relationship and requesting no further contact, but not refer specifically to the wedding. 

Also, I would think about taking some screen shots. As [some] police departments are trying to reform themselves and looking to clean up some of the cancer within their ranks, they are looking to weed people like this out. His employer may be interested to see that this is how he's representing both himself and the department online. 

All of this.

1) It sounds like you don't want to continue the friendship.   If you don't want to give her an out (and I probably wouldn't either) I'd probably end the social media connection and write her an email.  "I have watched some of the recent posts on facebook and your responses.   I wish you and your FI well however based on them I think it's important that we end this friendship."

2) I'd consider the screenshots too.  I witnessed it over the weekend where a local fireman was removed from his position after racist social media posts.  You can support police and also not support police brutality.   And IMO any police force that keeps volatile employees on their force needs to be shamed. 

climbingsingle

You've gotten good advice. Ditto taking screenshots of their posts condoning police brutality. 

I'd have no hesitation personally in ending the friendship, AND sending her an email as to why the friendship is over, and to not expect an invitation to the rescheduled date. 

downtondiva

I cannot blame you for not wanting this couple at your wedding or in your life anymore. They sound absolutely terrible. 

You could just distance yourself over the next year and not send a second invitation in the spring, but this could lead to questioning and drama further down the road closer to your new wedding date. I don't usually advocate actively ending a friendship, but if you feel strongly enough about this, I don't see anything wrong with disconnecting from this couple on social media and telling your friend you don't wish to keep in touch any longer and why. It really all comes down to what you feel most comfortable doing and how direct/assertive you want to be.

Jen4948

I think that in this instance, I would put strict etiquette aside in favor of common sense and the safety of your guests and not invite these people to your wedding. I agree with your discontinuing your relationship with them. The screenshot idea PPs mention above also sounds like a prudent precaution.

aisfora86

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and advice. Unfortunately, this is one of those instances where the seemingly whole precinct is taking a stand in favor of police brutality and have commented on her and her fiance's posts with some offensive things. I have screen shots and am sending them, but I unfriended her on every platform and when things are a little less volatile plan to send her an email outlining that we won't be remaining friends with them at all. Last night, after a number of her friends apparently unfriended her, she went on a rant saying "I'm not racist, just because I support protesters getting what they deserve from the police", so I'm glad I unfriended her prior to that. The rest of our mutual friends seem to have followed suit. I feel a huge sense of relief.

banana468

aisfora86 said:

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and advice. Unfortunately, this is one of those instances where the seemingly whole precinct is taking a stand in favor of police brutality and have commented on her and her fiance's posts with some offensive things. I have screen shots and am sending them, but I unfriended her on every platform and when things are a little less volatile plan to send her an email outlining that we won't be remaining friends with them at all. Last night, after a number of her friends apparently unfriended her, she went on a rant saying "I'm not racist, just because I support protesters getting what they deserve from the police", so I'm glad I unfriended her prior to that. The rest of our mutual friends seem to have followed suit. I feel a huge sense of relief.

Perhaps if the precinct is getting support then the local media and government would be interested to see if this is the response.  

The precinct in Buffalo all quit because of the actions of 2 officers.   So now ALL of them are not viewed favorably.