Two potential weddings? Inviting everyone to both?

izzydalvarez

Sorry for the long explanation but I'm having a dilemma and would like any help/advice!

Context:
My FI and I will be having a civil ceremony in December in the U.S. My FI is from Spain and I'm American. He'll be here for the holidays (about 3 weeks) to spend time with my family and whatnot. He'll be going back to Spain after because we're both still in school and we're set to graduate in May 2021. Afterwards, I'll be moving to Spain as we've decided to live in Spain. We'll be having a religious wedding in Spain in September 2021. The main reasons we're deciding to have a civil ceremony in the states and then a religious wedding is:
a. Legal aspect/immigration issues -- to sum it up, the process is easier and more economic if we were to have a civil ceremony in the U.S. and then have our religious wedding in Spain
b. So that we can celebrate with my relatives and friends in the U.S.

The dilemma:
My dad is a pastor and I've grown up in the church. When I got older, I moved away for some years but now am back in my hometown. During this time, a lot of new people have joined the church. I only truly know 1/3 of the church well enough (i.e. they've watched me grow up and I've grown up with some of their kids) and the other half are strangers to me. My dad insists on extending an invite to the entire church for our religious wedding in September 2021 in Spain. He says that it would be polite and that it's highly unlikely that any of them would go. I don't want to invite any of them because:
a. If I invite them, I should be prepared to pay for the cost (oh! my FI and I are paying for everything ourselves) 
b. It's true that most of the church adults would not travel all the way to Spain for the religious wedding but I know that their adult kids (the kids I grew up with at church) would most definitely go. Frankly, I don't talk to any of them. I have nothing against them but I simply have no relation to them as an adult now.
c. We're already at limit with our guest list for the wedding in Spain

I'm thinking through several ways to approach this situation and these two are the ones that stand out:
1. The initial plan was to have a small celebration (almost like a bridal shower for both of us) with the church. We would then have our civil ceremony and do a small intimate celebration at my parents home afterwards. I wouldn't invite the church to the Spain wedding. But I feel I technically would still be obligated to invite the church to the Spain wedding. 
2. Another option would be to have an actual "American" wedding. We could send our invites along the lines of "We're eloping on *insert date* join us for the reception *insert date and place*". My FI and I would have our civil ceremony and then celebrate with the church. We would not have an extravagant reception maybe we'd have it at the church dining hall decorate it to look a little nicer but still keeping things simple. In this case, I don't see why I would be obligated to send invites to the Spain wedding.

Any input is much appreciated! 

Jen4948

izzydalvarez said:

1. The initial plan was to have a small celebration (almost like a bridal shower for both of us) with the church. We would then have our civil ceremony and do a small intimate celebration at my parents home afterwards. I wouldn't invite the church to the Spain wedding. But I feel I technically would still be obligated to invite the church to the Spain wedding. 

2. Another option would be to have an actual "American" wedding. We could send our invites along the lines of "We're eloping on *insert date* join us for the reception *insert date and place*". My FI and I would have our civil ceremony and then celebrate with the church. We would not have an extravagant reception maybe we'd have it at the church dining hall decorate it to look a little nicer but still keeping things simple. In this case, I don't see why I would be obligated to send invites to the Spain wedding.

You are NOT "eloping." An elopement is SECRET. 

I advise just having a ceremony and reception at the church and skipping both the civil ceremony and the "small intimate celebration" at your parents' home altogether, and then celebrating in Spain. You would not need to invite anyone from the church ceremony to Spain.

But, you would have to accept that what happens in Spain is NOT your "wedding." That boat sails when your first ceremony takes place, because that is the ceremony that legally and socially (if not religiously) unites you and your FI. Also, the "reception" is the occasion that would immediately follow your actual wedding ceremony.

My responses above in bolded type.

izzydalvarez

Thanks for your input! We thought of this idea but the main first reason why we're going and need to go with a civil ceremony is because of the legal aspect of things.

Jen4948

izzydalvarez said:

Thanks for your input! We thought of this idea but the main first reason why we're going and need to go with a civil ceremony is because of the legal aspect of things.

In the U.S., nothing in a church ceremony would require an additional civil ceremony for you to be "legally married." Christian clergy are allowed to officiate at "legal weddings." As long as the church ceremony also incorporates any legally required wording and has the requisite number of witnesses, you do not "need to go with a civil ceremony because of the legal aspect of things."

short+sassy

With all due respect to your dad, what he is suggesting sounds insane.  In fact, I would point out to him that it would actually be rude and unkind to invite people to your wedding that you do not want there.  In addition, if I was a member of a church and the pastor's adult child...who I've possibly never met or rarely interacted with...invited me to their wedding, I'd find it really odd and gift-grabby.  Especially if it wasn't even a local wedding.

If he wants his congregation to feel "included" with your wedding, the best option I can think of is to mail them a Marriage Announcement after your all's civil marriage, assuming that is the first/legal one.  And he should pay for the cards and postage.  You shouldn't even feel obligated to do that if you don't want to.  But it's a suggestion that might mollify him.

Also, don't have a "bridal shower"/small celebration with church people, unless they are also being invited to the ceremony and intimate celebration (which is the reception) at your parent's house.  The "church celebration" is a pre-wedding related event and it is rude to event people to those, if they are not invited to the wedding.  And I'm talking about the US one, because that is the legal wedding.  Same with don't invite people to a reception, even a casual one at church, if you are not inviting them to the ceremony.  The purpose of a reception is to thank people for attending your wedding.

Here's another thought also.  Why not have your dad officiate the wedding in the church, during a non-meal time.  Invite the congregation.  Then have a cake and punch reception afterward.  I suspect your dad would love that and forget all about the "inviting everyone to Spain" nonsense.  if you and your FI are open to the idea.  But, if you're not, nothing wrong with that either.

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Your all's situation is VERY similar to my cousin's when she married her Spanish H, so I am going to share .

She met him when she had a semester abroad.  They had a long distance relationship until she graduated from her master's program about 18 months later.

They got married in the US first, though she was moving to Spain after that and their honeymoon.  I think they had about 130 guests at their US wedding.  His immediate family/very close friends were invited and the rest of the guests were her friends and family.  I was invited to this wedding, though was unable to attend.

Shortly after she moved to Spain, they threw a "Celebration of Marriage" party, primarily for his friends and family.  I was not invited to this party, though her immediate family and (I think) closest friends were.  Totally fine with me!  Didn't hear a cross word from anyone else if they were invited to one and not the other.

I think it's normal and very understandable to have two celebrations in these kind of circumstances and it isn't necessary to invite both groups to both.

Casadena

I totally agree with everything @short+sassy said and was coming to suggest the same thing.  I think it would make the most sense to hold a ceremony and short cake&punch reception at your home church in the US and invite the congregation (and anyone else you wish) to attend.  Then have a celebration in Spain next year since in the US, your religious ceremony is also your legal one.