Bonus Prudie: Wut?

mrsconn23

Q. Fiancé’s Niece Is His Love Child: My mind is still reeling. My fiancé confessed to me last week that his younger niece is actually his child. He had a short affair with his brother’s wife, who conceived the month her husband was away. They ended things just before finding out she was pregnant, and she lied about the dates to cover it up. My fiancé knew all this and said nothing because he didn’t want to break up their family. My fiancé’s brother is a good guy and I genuinely like him. I’ve never seen a man so devoted to his wife and children. I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life being a part of this lie. My future in-laws are a close-knit family and everyone frequently gets together. They actually had a family dinner a few days ago which I’ve avoided because I don’t know how I can look at either my fiancé’s brother or his wife in the eye. I also have complex feelings about the “niece”—biologically speaking, she will be my stepchild! I love my fiancé so much but how can I marry into his family knowing what I know now?

CharmedPam

It’s not up to LW to leak this info.... but yeah.  Wut? 

banana468

Ugh. 

On one hand I can understand why the truth is being kept from the brother.   On the other hand, I hate cover ups and lies.  

I don't think there's an easy answer here but I do think that this could possibly be a deal breaker and/or would lead to serious trust issues for me.  I'm not sure that I would be able to deal. 

STARMOON44

He banged his brother’s wife? Nope. Bye. 

CharmedPam

STARMOON44 said:

He banged his brother’s wife? Nope. Bye. 

Yeah that’s true.  I wasn’t even thinking of LW’s fiance’s character  

mrsconn23

STARMOON44 said:

He banged his brother’s wife? Nope. Bye. 

Plus, he's kept it a secret FROM HIS BROTHER all these years, including the true paternity of his BROTHER'S CHILD.  God only knows how he could fuck up LW's life and she'd never know until it's too late.   That's too many levels of messy.  He put all this on LW and is pressuring her to keep his secret.  I can only imagine his reaction if LW expressed her doubts about living with all this information. 

climbingsingle

Um. Why is she not concerned that her FI had sex with his brother's wife?!!??!

Casadena

I definitely could not marry someone who felt ok 1) doing what he did and 2) keeping that secret.  

ei34

I'd be out too. I wouldn't share why with anyone but FI, but I'd end things.

MyNameIsNot

If he can lie to his brother like that, he will lie to you. DTMFA.

But also, I'd have a really hard time not sharing with bro on the way out. Not my place and all, but damn, watching someone live that lie would kill me. 

charlotte989875

I think she’s outraged at the wrong thing here; the lying about the child’s parents is bad, but also how about that he was sleeping with his sister in law?! 

Regardless none of this is your business to tell. Stay or not based on what you can live with, but you can’t (and shouldn’t) force them to disclose this to the child, or anyone else. 

short+sassy

All of this is way too much.  It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me for many reasons.

--I'd be too disgusted that my FI could have done something like that.
--If he could sink down to that level of lies, how could I ever trust him.
--I feel strongly this isn't my secret to tell. But I also couldn't stay in this "close-knit" family and keep that secret.  So I gotta go.

levioosa

How is LW ignoring the infidelity?!

MobKaz

I have to wonder if anyone else in the family has any suspicions.  These secrets almost ALWAYS have a way of surfacing.   YEARS ago (when being pregnant and not married was not exactly celebrated) one of my aunts became pregnant as a teen.  Her mother (the baby's grandmother) raised the baby as her son.  Now obviously everyone knew, and no one ever said anything, but we all had a feeling the boy "just knew" as he got older.  As cousins, we were similar in age.  Even I had been made aware of the "rumblings" but to my knowledge nothing was ever openly acknowledged.

I am also curious as to the time line with LW.  How long have she and FI been dating, and how long before they marry?  Is this an "eleventh hour" admission as they near the wedding?  Has he held on to this secret for a few years? 

I would like to think I would walk away, but if they have been involved for a long time it is easier said than done.  I also bet LW is concerned that her departure would open up secrets as well.  Poor thing is in a no-win situation.

MissKittyDanger

Idk what would bug me most, lying, cheating or both?

But yah .... nope.

MyNameIsNot

Not that it really makes it much better, but the way it's worded, I assumed that this happened before LW was in the picture. 

I could be totally wrong, but that's would explain why LW isn't upset about being cheated on. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

Not that it really makes it much better, but the way it's worded, I assumed that this happened before LW was in the picture. 

I could be totally wrong, but that's would explain why LW isn't upset about being cheated on. 

That's how I read it too.   That LW came into the picture and learned that the boy called her FI's "nephew" is actually his son and this is all a secret that's hidden from her FBIL and the "nephew".

And while I can understand why that secret is being kept for now (ending marriage, scars son, etc.) it still does not sit well with me that the FSIL clearly broke her marriage vows and the FI was a willing partner in an extramarital affair.   She's both a party to a lie and now questions his overall ethics even if he claims it's never going to happen again. 

CharmedPam

MyNameIsNot said:

Not that it really makes it much better, but the way it's worded, I assumed that this happened before LW was in the picture. 

I could be totally wrong, but that's would explain why LW isn't upset about being cheated on. 

I think that too.  But it says something about his character. 

MyNameIsNot

CharmedPam said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Not that it really makes it much better, but the way it's worded, I assumed that this happened before LW was in the picture. 

I could be totally wrong, but that's would explain why LW isn't upset about being cheated on. 

I think that too.  But it says something about his character. 

Oh for sure, he's a dirt bag. 

I was just responding that this may be the reason LW doesn't bring up being cheated on. 

mrsconn23

Yeah, I think it all went down before LW was around.  

Also, this thought came across my mind...he's asking LW to become family with someone he slept with and had a secret child.  Even if you're super progressive/sex positive/free love/open minded, that's still a super sticky situation.  Also does he not expect LW to let it slip to SIL she knows their past, ever?  How is LW ever going to have a real relationship with the SIL?  Or any of her IL's in general?  

maine7mob

The LW wasn't cheated on, but her fiance is still a cheater. If he betrayed his own brother, there isn't really a limit to what he will do. I feel bad for the LW, but she should not marry into this mess. He is asking her to go along with a lie that keeps on lying. And that poor child!