Dear Prudence,
My partner and I are not married, but we do live together. He has a 19-year-old daughter, “Kay,” whom I’m fairly close with, and two 12-year-old twins with a different ex. I don’t know the twins very well. Their mother lives in another city and doesn’t like me, so my boyfriend travels to see them by himself. I don’t understand why she dislikes me. They divorced long before we met, and he’d had other girlfriends before me, but I try to be supportive. My boyfriend’s ex lost her job in March, so he’s paying for child support and her mortgage, plus utilities and groceries. We both make a good living, so we can handle the extra costs.
Recently Kay’s car and laptop were stolen. Neither of her parents had any extra money to spare, but I did, so I bought her a new laptop and a used car. Kay told the twins, who told their mother, who got in touch with me (I didn’t even know she had my phone number) with a wish list for the twins. She wanted new iPads, private tutoring, and insisted I “step up as a stepmom to ALL the kids.” I didn’t respond, but I did show my partner and ask that he talk to his ex about boundaries. He thought she had been a little “out of line,” but that I could afford it, and that it wasn’t a big deal. I told him that we weren’t married, I wasn’t a stepmom to his twins, and that this totally went against his previous instructions to “be patient” and “give everyone [on that side of the family] space.” I feel like he’s trying to change the script halfway through the show. I have a relationship with Kay, and she needed the laptop for school and the car to get to work. I don’t have a relationship with the twins, mostly because their mother never wanted me to have one. The last time I tried to give them a birthday gift (an autographed book), she started sobbing and made them return it. I think my income and my relationship with Kay are irrelevant—I resent being informed it’s my responsibility to be a “stepmom” when I’ve only ever been told to back off before. What should I do?