Get a grip - visions of imaginary lives are often better than the real thing

short+sassy

Dear Prudence,

I’m divorced and in my early 30s. I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for a year, but a few days ago came across my college sweetheart’s social media profile. We parted amicably and haven’t spoken in years, but when I saw her picture, I experienced a deep swell of regret and nostalgia. I wondered how my life would have been different if we’d stayed together: I wouldn’t have gotten married and divorced, perhaps avoiding a lot of heartache, plus I’d be living a pretty different life. My ex went straight to graduate school, whereas I was able to travel and work in a number of different cities, and now feel like I’m trying to “catch up” to my peers who stayed in one place and are more professionally settled.

To be honest, I feel a bit envious of my ex and her well-paying job and kind of kick myself for not doing what she did. I also find myself (quite unfairly) comparing my college girlfriend to my current one. I’m having strange urges to contact her, but I feel it would be inappropriate, or maybe just make it harder for me to move on. This is not the first time I’ve had a sudden twinge of regret and nostalgia for other women I’ve dated in the past. My intuition is that this is a random desire from the unconscious coming to the front and I don’t plan on acting on it. But what, if any, reasons would make it sensible to do so? And why do you think these thoughts pop up? I’m sure I’m not the only one.

—Flashback

VarunaTT

LW still has some growing up to do, IMHO. 

Therapy would be helpful, but this is just a case of "grass is always greener".  

downtondiva

LW doesn't sound too happy with where they are in life, but getting nostalgic over an old girlfriend and pondering "what if" isn't going to help anything. Nobody can say for sure what "could have been."

LW should refrain from contacting their ex and stop looking at her social media. There's much more to be gained by focusing on their current relationship and looking into what they could be doing differently career-wise, whether going to graduate school would get them where they want to go, and so forth. 

drunkenwitch

Manic pixie dream girls aren't real, your old college flame isn't going to magically fix your life just by her sheer presence and supernatural hoo-ha.  

climbingsingle

A friend of mine used to do this all time too. "If I had just stayed with so-and-so". It's really so unhealthy. 

short+sassy

I play the "what if" game sometimes.  But that's because it's fun for me to think of other scenarios of how my life might have gone.  But it's just a game.  And I usually end it with something like, "That would have been awesome for A, B, C!  But then X, Y, Z would never have happened."

LW, don't contact your ex.  That's ridiculous.  Stop obsessing over her.  Stop the comparisons.  Count your current blessings.

Try playing out a few scenarios of your alternate life where things don't turn out puppies and rainbows.  Worse-case scenarios.  Because those were just as likely to happen, if not more so, than your vision of this perfect life.

Here's the deal also.  You really don't even want to connect with her now.  You want to go back in time to a place where you were younger, more carefree, and opportunities abounded (or at least felt like it).

What you actually want is impossible, so don't screw up your present life.  Or you'll be writing a similar letter 20 years from now wondering "what if" you hadn't effed it up with the wonderful woman you are currently dating.  

Casadena

short+sassy said:

I play the "what if" game sometimes.  But that's because it's fun for me to think of other scenarios of how my life might have gone.  But it's just a game.  And I usually end it with something like, "That would have been awesome for A, B, C!  But then X, Y, Z would never have happened."

LW, don't contact your ex.  That's ridiculous.  Stop obsessing over her.  Stop the comparisons.  Count your current blessings.

Try playing out a few scenarios of your alternate life where things don't turn out puppies and rainbows.  Worse-case scenarios.  Because those were just as likely to happen, if not more so, than your vision of this perfect life.

Here's the deal also.  You really don't even want to connect with her now.  You want to go back in time to a place where you were younger, more carefree, and opportunities abounded (or at least felt like it).

What you actually want is impossible, so don't screw up your present life.  Or you'll be writing a similar letter 20 years from now wondering "what if" you hadn't effed it up with the wonderful woman you are currently dating.  

This exactly.  I have one ex that I wonder about frequently.  I don't wish that we would have ended up together (we obviously broke up for a reason) but he is an awesome person and it's interesting to imagine what my life would be like had we stayed together.  

charlotte989875

Sounds like LW is having a hard time accepting the impact of their choices, or hasn’t really dealt with their feelings around the divorce/traveling/work choices. This isn’t something college GF can help you with, LW you need to do the work yourself. 

mrsconn23

OMG, this guy. 

Detour story: My ex is a commercial pilot.  I went up with him once in a small plane when he was still in school and it was an awesome experience.  He used to post a lot when he had some pretty badass routes a few years ago.  It seems he tries to take his wife along whenever he can.  They spend almost every New Year's in Hawaii.  Have I done the mental exercise once or twice looking at his pics of how awesome it could have been to stay together and be able to jetset with my pilot husband?  Sure.  But I don't even know him as a person anymore.  We were literally kids when we were together.  He's on my short list of people I'm glad I didn't have sex with so I could still be friendly with them today.  (Another one of those people is my best guy friend from HS.  A drunk night almost ruined that. I'm glad we didn't and are still in contact.) 

I bet this can be common after a divorce.  So what he needs to do is figure out if he sees anything long-term with the current GF, because this isn't fair to her if his feelings are in 'limbo'.  He also needs to leave the ex alone on social media.  If they reconnect organically, that's one thing. But this pining for a life that doesn't exist is something else.