He's backpedaling on our plans

knottie2164daea063887cc

Hello everyone.  My Fiancé (M 49) and myself (F 40) have both been married before and we both have children (ages 14 - 21) from our previous marriage.  We've been engaged for almost five years (together for almost 7 years) and are now in the process of remodeling his home.  I currently live in my own apartment (due to alimony reasons as well as not enough space in his home currently).  We are also planning on getting married finally next year in April.  I've managed to score a fantastic deal with a local vendor in which officiant, cake, food, open bar (wine and beer), and music are all included for under $8k and it's on a boat!  He wanted a wedding as he didn't have that when he first got married so I did my research and we've made a deposit.  The deposit is 100% refundable up to 90 days prior to the event (COVID special) and so it's a win/win situation for us.  

Recently he's been saying on how he doesn't want to spend all of that money on just one day and would rather have something more affordable.  To me, more affordable means more planning on my part as he's not done any planning for the wedding  (or the house remodel) and I'm exhausted.   I'd rather have our wedding be worry/stress-free so we CAN focus on house business.  He then went to say on how we can't afford it as we need to purchase "wants" for the house i.e new couch, bed, etc.  We have those things already and they can be replaced over time.  Our wedding day is something that I feel we will both regret not doing something a little extra for us considering all that we've been through together in our lives.  

He's also worried that people won't show up once invited.  I've reassured him that weddings aren't something that people just "don't show up for".  it's not a backyard BBQ or a birthday party.  

I've given him ideas on how we can save money which is more him cutting his cable bill (currently paying over $200 a month) and he won't do that, or rather didn't comment on the idea, but more shrugged it off as if he doesn't "doesn't want to deal with it right now". 

How can I get him to open back up to the idea of staying with our original plan?  

Jen4948

Tell him that you made these plans because he told you he wanted a wedding, and backpedaling now is going to cost you the deposits you made, so you're out money anyway.

But that said, I do think that you should put your plans on hold for two reasons:
1)  Covid and
2)  You're no longer on the same page.

I think you need some couples counseling to reconcile your respective ideas, and if you aren't able to do that, you shouldn't be getting married. But once you do decide on plans again (if you do), he has to understand that he can't pull the rug out from under you. He has to commit to whatever plans you make together, and he has to be willing to compromise. If he wants you to make sacrifices, he must also do so. Nor can he make unilateral decisions about what is also yours.

MyNameIsNot

If he wants the wedding with everyone, he needs to plan it. If I were you, I would cancel the boat and get the refund, and then tell him to let you know when and where to show up, as he's now in charge of the wedding. I would not play into him trying to manipulate you into doing the work that he doesn't want to do. (Likewise, why are you managing his remodel? It's not your house, not your responsibility!)

Agree with PP that counselling is a good option. It sounds like you're not on the same page and he's using the expense as an excuse to continue postponing.