Neither of you are wrong, just not on the same timeline.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

A year ago I met a wonderful man online, and we started dating. When we’re together, he’s easily the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He and his ex have shared custody of their daughter, and while his devotion to parenting is one of the reasons I love him, I also feel like it’s keeping our relationship from progressive. I’m in my late 30s and have been clear about wanting to settle down for a long time. He says he wants the same thing, but I don’t know. He didn’t let me meet his daughter until we’d been dating for six months. I still don’t get invited to spend the night when she’s at his house. I wanted to start sharing a home together, but he just renewed his lease for another year.

I’ve told him I don’t think I can handle another year of leading separate lives, but he said he wanted stability for his daughter since the divorce. It’s a small apartment, so I know he has no intention of asking me to move in. Right now I feel like a girlfriend, not a partner. I am afraid to push because I love this man and don’t want to lose him, but I fear that he’s not ready to bring someone into his life full-time. Is one year unreasonable? Is it time to push, end things, or just keep proving that I am in this for the long haul and hope he comes around soon?

—Daddy’s Girlfriend

banana468

He may be super cautious because a lot of parents can be that way.

However if you feel that you're better off moving on with someone who is on different timing then tell him.   

Sometimes a relationship needs the bluff called.   You can decide if he needs to fish  or cut bait right now and he can decide if that's the right timing.   

STARMOON44

Sigh. He’s been very clear. He is not ready for this. He does not want you to move in. He does not want you involved in parenting. There’s nothing to be confused about- this just doesn’t work. 

downtondiva

I don't think it's that unusual for divorced parents to be cautious about introducing new partners into their kids' lives, especially when the kids are very young.

It sounds like while you are very eager to settle down, your boyfriend is more focused on parenting his daughter and isn't ready to build something more with you yet. Neither of you is wrong, but it's okay for you to decide that you don't want to wait around for him to be ready. I wouldn't push, exactly, but since you really like this guy, I do think a frank but respectful discussion is in order before you make any big decisions.

VarunaTT

I don't think either of them are wrong, but if LW can say, "He's the best boyfriend I've ever had" and not be willing to give him the appropriate time for his child...maybe she's not the best woman for him either.

Really, the ball is in LW's court.  He seems like he's being very open and honest and LW just wants more, so she either needs to find a way to deal with his timeline (which TBH sounds entirely reasonable) or break up with him.

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I don't think either of them are wrong, but if LW can say, "He's the best boyfriend I've ever had" and not be willing to give him the appropriate time for his child...maybe she's not the best woman for him either.

Really, the ball is in LW's court.  He seems like he's being very open and honest and LW just wants more, so she either needs to find a way to deal with his timeline (which TBH sounds entirely reasonable) or break up with him.

Right.   All of this.

We have a few divorced friends and some have been pretty clear that with new partners, they have ZERO intention of introducing the GF to the kids at any time in the new phase of the relationship.  It works when the friend has weekend custody and the GF needs to deal with it. 

The kid is going to be the priority and the LW is going to need to talk to the BF and ask if he sees this lasting or if he is always going to want to keep things separate.   Neither are wrong but if that's a deal breaker it's time to move on. 

levioosa

VarunaTT said:

I don't think either of them are wrong, but if LW can say, "He's the best boyfriend I've ever had" and not be willing to give him the appropriate time for his child...maybe she's not the best woman for him either.

Really, the ball is in LW's court.  He seems like he's being very open and honest and LW just wants more, so she either needs to find a way to deal with his timeline (which TBH sounds entirely reasonable) or break up with him.

This is where I’m at. I don’t even have kids but his request seems pretty reasonable to me. Does it suck for LW? Yeah, but he’s been open and honest about it and I don’t see in the letter where he’s lied at all or backpeddled in their relationship. 

charlotte989875

He is being clear with what he needs and wants, and if that doesn’t work for LW then they need to decide if they are really okay with how things are now. It’s not about proving anything to him, but rather whether the timing is right for his daughter. And only he (and maybe input from her mother) get to decide that. 

Although you don’t have to live together to be committed and a partner, and living together doesn’t mean you’ll have the type of relationship you are envisioning. 

mrsconn23

I agree with your assessment @VarunaTT.

Also, LW says she wants to 'settle down'.  Does this mean she wants to add more kids or just get married?  Because it seems those are wholly different conversations and while he may be open to marriage, who knows when he will want to add more children? Does LW need to thinking about freezing eggs or come to an understanding that the longer they wait, there is a risk in that not being the end result she wants? Especially if he's wanting stability for the child he already has. 

If LW is on a personal timeline, she may need to find a partner that will match that timeline.  If this guy is *the* guy for LW, then he just bought them a year to work toward the partnership she wants from him. I understand I am not a single, childless, late 30's woman and there is a lot that comes with that.  But LW needs to understand where her BF is coming from and decide if his very reasonable, careful timeline can work for her.

That all said, I understand LW's feelings. I know I had some of the same feelings when I started dating DH.  It's a lot to ask a single parent to prioritize you and it's a lot to understand taking a backseat to your SO's child when you're trying to build a relationship.  My advice to LW is to make the most of the time she spends with her BF alone, but also try to take an interest in building her own special relationship with his daughter.  It's the best way to show off her 'partner' material to him. 

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

I agree with your assessment @VarunaTT.

Also, LW says she wants to 'settle down'.  Does this mean she wants to add more kids or just get married?  Because it seems those are wholly different conversations and while he may be open to marriage, who knows when he will want to add more children? Does LW need to thinking about freezing eggs or come to an understanding that the longer they wait, there is a risk in that not being the end result she wants? Especially if he's wanting stability for the child he already has. 

If LW is on a personal timeline, she may need to find a partner that will match that timeline.  If this guy is *the* guy for LW, then he just bought them a year to work toward the partnership she wants from him. I understand I am not a single, childless, late 30's woman and there is a lot that comes with that.  But LW needs to understand where her BF is coming from and decide if his very reasonable, careful timeline can work for her.

That all said, I understand LW's feelings. I know I had some of the same feelings when I started dating DH.  It's a lot to ask a single parent to prioritize you and it's a lot to understand taking a backseat to your SO's child when you're trying to build a relationship.  My advice to LW is to make the most of the time she spends with her BF alone, but also try to take an interest in building her own special relationship with his daughter.  It's the best way to show off her 'partner' material to him. 

Bingo!  To me, these are the more important questions the LW needs to be asking herself, but she didn't mention anything about his/her thoughts on marriage and/or children together.

If she's strictly talking about wanting to move in with him and doesn't want to wait another year, that's her decision.  But we also don't know his values.  Maybe he thinks a g/f spending the night while his child is there is inappropriate, no matter how long he and the LW have been going out for.  Which is a major factor she would need to consider.

But, especially if she wants to have children...my suspicion because she mentions her age...then what are his thoughts?  His timeline?  If he doesn't know or isn't sure yet...which is what it sounds like and reasonable...then the LW needs to weigh that heavily.  Though I think she'd probably be better off to go her separate way.  I get it, it's hard to walk away from a great relationship.  However, just because a relationship is great, doesn't always mean it's the right one.

flantastic

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Have the conversation about whether your desires for life and your timelines line up. If they can't, move on.

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Are you on season 1?  

flantastic

mrsconn23 said:

flantastic said:

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Are you on season 1?  

Yeah. I'm like 3.5 episodes in because neither the kids nor the husband are going to watch it, so it's a slow mover.

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

mrsconn23 said:

flantastic said:

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Are you on season 1?  

Yeah. I'm like 3.5 episodes in because neither the kids nor the husband are going to watch it, so it's a slow mover.

I understand  I binged season 1 during a hangover when DefConn was on vacation with my parents.  Season 2 took me a couple days.  This show is so ridic, but I can't stop watching them in all their vapid glory. 

MyNameIsNot

flantastic said:

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Have the conversation about whether your desires for life and your timelines line up. If they can't, move on.

I need to watch this now. I need to see his face in 5 years when he brings up kids and she's like, "uh, I'm 43". 

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

flantastic said:

I just started watching Selling Sunset on Netflix and I'm just thinking of the couple where the woman is 38 with a 21 year old son and feels like she's done with kids, dating a 25 year old man who probably wants kids in "5-10 years," and they're getting engaged and kicking the conversation down the road.

Are you on season 1?  

I've never heard of the show but guessed from the title it was about selling real estate in CA.  Which sounded like my kinda show, so I Googled it.  Wow, I'm good, lol.  Sounds like it goes past reality tv into extra loaded drama, so that sounded even better.

Except, dang it!  I missed that part about it being on Netflix, which I don't have.

There was a show on HGTV a few years back about elite RE agencies in NYC.  I really enjoyed it.  I don't think it airs anymore but then, I also don't get HGTV anymore (meh).  It was a little bit into the agents' lives, but was much more so about the real estate.

Except now I want to live in a $15M spacious apartment on a high floor.  With floor to ceiling windows around the whole thing to enjoy the view.  And JUST the HOA fees are more than my current gross salary, lmao!

Jen4948

VarunaTT said:

I don't think either of them are wrong, but if LW can say, "He's the best boyfriend I've ever had" and not be willing to give him the appropriate time for his child...maybe she's not the best woman for him either.

Really, the ball is in LW's court.  He seems like he's being very open and honest and LW just wants more, so she either needs to find a way to deal with his timeline (which TBH sounds entirely reasonable) or break up with him.

I agree. It simply sounds like she wants more from him than he's able or willing to give her now, so she needs to either wait for him or find someone else who has his good qualities and can give her what she needs now.